This is so massively frustrating.
Today I went in for my blood and consultation, and AGAIN I threw up. Obviously the problem rests in my head, I’ve psyched myself out.
It was the young blond consultant who met me today, I think she’s not from England based on her accent (not that it’s relevant). Anyhow, Zsolt brought up the question of my 12th treatment despite my stepping on his foot, which is a universal signal for ‘stop talking’, and it was her opinion that I receive my full treatment schedule and not miss the last one.
FRACKING FUCKING Fuck. What contrasting information. I then informed her of my plans to go home for a month over Christmas, the flight leaving on the 14th of December. She conceded that some people do stop early for different reasons, but they recommend 12 courses of the chemotherapy. However, she’ll talk to the head consultant and see what he says.
Here is what I say: it’s too freaking late. I want to go home – I want to go home – I want to go home. Don’t bother telling me I can’t.
I will, therefore I can.
I don’t want to be angry with anyone, but feel so fucking angry inside. My emotions are a yo-yo, and when they go crazy . . . and frankly, it’s my fault that they’ve become volitle . . . well, what answers are there? Drugs, more drugs, and missing Christmas? Agh!
Honeslty, I’m angry with myself.
This is something to work on. Screaming, punching, writing, NOT vomiting. I’m working on it and don’t need any more pressure. I don’t want to give anyone an excuse to worry more.
Whew! Time to go punch something.