Random midnight rant

It’s late and I have a wheeze in my left lung. I never know what to think about these things. Is it the humidity in the air? Maybe I’m just feeling anxious from a weekend of booking travel and staying up too late? Perhaps it’s because my team is out of the playoffs. . . I’ve had wheezes on and off for the past two years, often anxiety related, but who knows. Each time I hear/feel the wheeze, it plain scares me. Everything stops and I take a few deep breaths, asking myself: is it really there? Did that really happen?

Yeah, it did. It happened. It happens too often.

Sleepless Night

Is it the nerves, or it is – you know – that cancer thing the previous scans showed was growing?

Here’s a little dose of honesty. I’m really truly disappointed to not have made that study. There is this drug out there that’s not within my reach. Not for the time being, at least. It’s now on sale in the US while they finish up trials. I had some very high hopes for that drug, because this hormone therapy stuff just doesn’t seem to be cutting the mustard anymore. And frankly, I don’t want to have the chemo conversation like, ever. As in never.

My mom has been doing a lot of research. Thank goodness for that. I just can’t do it, not like she’s able to. So we will be working on my body and its ability to heal. Because of her, I don’t have to be passive as I wait for the next set of scans. I’m grateful for this. Also, there’s this yoga place with a first-time special of 35$/month for unlimited classes. We are going to go together. Another thing that inspired gratitude.

Topic jump:

Last week. I left my oncologist appointment with a new prescription, by the by. After some bizzaro conversation with the resident doctor who is learning to be an oncolgosts about an abnormal pituitary gland inside of my brain, followed by many reassurances by her and Dr Canada that is very likely not cancer – or at least, not breast cancer – anyhow, following that, I receive a prescription for another estrogen blocking drug given that the previous wasn’t working. Honestly, while I am going to take it this summer just to see what can happen, this new drug doesn’t give me high hopes. We are buying time. Not time as in ‘stopping the cancer from growing’ but more like ‘delaying any hard conversations about treatment options in hopes that something better pops up’.

So, I’m going to take this summer for what it is: an escape. Maybe I can write. Maybe we can rest. Maybe we can enjoy a beautiful few months together away from the word ‘cancer’.

Topic jump:

Here’s one other thing I just want to say. It’s really late at night, and I’m writing this in the dark. I’m certain Zsolt would love it if I stopped writing, but he’s a good sport too. Anyhow, here is what I wanted to say: treatment blows for young women with bc. Like, it sucks. I’m blocked from all the good studies because I’m not 1) over 65 and 2) without a uterus.

Where are the drug studies for young women with this damn disease? Why can I be eligible for the drug with great potential? Why do I need to wrestle with my oncologist and pharmacist to be covered for a certain prescription, and have to argue how I’m most certainly post-menopausal – not having had my period for over a year, enjoying the never-ending flux of hot flashes and anxiety, watching certain body parts shrink from lack of estrogen, definitely not ovulating with a diminished sex drive, and also not-so-much enjoying the constant pain when doing adult activities due to a crazy weird tightening of the lady parts. Seriously, it’s like being revirginized after every go!

So, don’t tell me I’m not postmenopausal! BAH! The nerve of some people. I could go on, but had better not.

Topic Jump:

Soon it’ll be the 10 year anniversary of when Zsolt and I got together. We met in Nice, France, and plan to go back there for a couple days during our trip. Pretty damn romantic, eh? I expect it to be too-quick, very emotional, and deeply important to us both to return. The number of times we’ve recounted the story of ‘how we met’ to one other – well, it’s a lot – so to actually be returning to the scene of that miracle feels good. It’s important to us both.

Topic Jump:

It’s almost midnight. I’m getting tired. No wheeze for the time being. I guess it went away.

Topic Jump:


Good night.

Random rant over.


Maybe now I can sleep.

P.S. (Apparently my right leg is ahead of me. I’ve been sitting a weird way while writing this, and now it’s totally numb!)

Cruising to Hungary!

So, we just bought ourselves two tickets to Europe on the Queen Mary. Yep. That happened. June 3rd.

Yay for Hungary! Yay for Sailing! Yay for Balaton!

(boo not getting onto studies. I’m officially on some other hormone blocker instead. Hmm. But hopefully the drug I wanted will soon be commercially available, so it won’t need a study. Soon. Hopefully. In the meanwhile, I’ll try the healing water of my favourite lake & work with my mom!)

Queen Mary 2 Front Cover

Limbo Land

I have that limbo song in my head just thinking about this post. Every limbo boy and girl, all around the limbo world, gonna do the limbo rock all around the limbo clock! You can thank Chubby Checkers for those awesome lyrics.

We have moved out of our Vanier apartment. Good bye massive kitchen, good bye clouds of smoke and screaming neighbours. Good bye Snack Shack, good bye walking to Bridgehead, Good bye lovely neighbourhood! While I will miss the neighbourhood – we really came to love it (with spring here, folks are beginning to venture outside again. It’s gossip on the street all spring & summer long!).

Dagmar Goodbye

We are out.

I did like it there to be honest. It was our home, and it was HUGE.

Anyhow, limbo land. I called DR Canada about whether I’m able to get onto this big important study, and have not heard back. Not really surprised. We have an appointment with him on April 20th to find out more. So, I’m okay not hearing back. I keep waiting to buy that ticket to Hungary, but may as well embrace the stillness for the brief moment that it lasts.

The move this past Sunday went very well. There were some moments of panic. Firstly, we couldn’t get the queen box spring mattress into the truck bed. So, my little brother strapped it on top of the truck and we drove at 20 km/hour to my friend’s house in the neighbourhood where we are storing our furniture for the summer. But then, the darn tootin’ box spring wouldn’t fit into their basement! My little bro gave me a jolt of panic when he said: Do you have any backup storage? Can you arrange that right now?

To which I replied: Augh!

That was pretty much his prediction over and over throughout the entire day: You will need more storage.

Actually, we did need more storage. But thankfully my friend’s lovely neighbour popped up outta nowhere (okay, from next door) and offered to house our mattresses IN HER BASEMENT! This is what I mean about Vanier having some truly lovely people. We don’t even know this lady, and she lent us space in her home. I guess the world in general is full of lovely people.

With my Dad’s truck not getting the job done fast enough, (and my entire family present, slowly losing their patience with job of moving boxes one vehicle at a time) little bro had another idea: he’d rent us a MOVING vehicle/truck! While we all thought he was away picking up some tools, he was actually out renting a moving truck. Smart guy. Once he arrived the boxes were loaded in, and off they went. It was a good idea, I’ll admit it. I’m also quite glad I didn’t  need to arrange it.

Days prior to the big move, we were dealing with the big PACK. Honestly it was driving Zsolt and I crazy sorting through so many things, packing boxes, sorting closets, cleaning spaces, sorting charity . . . packing just takes forever and it turns everything upside down. We were losing our minds in the mess, and our apartment turned into a strange maze where you navigated between stacks of cardboard boxes.

Now we are in my parents basement again, soaking up the calm spring rays of sunshine, and clean smoke-free air. I feel as if we’ve come full circle from the time we first arrive in Canada. Except, you know, it’s not at all the same, and we won’t be here for long. I’m still itching to buy that ticket to Hungary. I suppose I’ll just have to wait till April 20th to learn what type of schedule will be happening. Fingers crossed for the study. I like that option & I want that option.

And that is all. Excuse me while I go listen, again, to that limbo land song.