Category Archives: Treatment

May it be worthwhile

Posted in Blogging and Other Fun, Bumpboobs, Life, Life despite cancer, Radiotherapy Treatment, Treatment by

After a while of simply not writing things down, I guess it just becomes easier to stop altogether. That’s what I’ve been doing lately – stopping all together. It started just after that post I posted (oh man, ugly wording) about the blood and the hospital and the lung and yada yada yada.

Meatballs

I just stopped with the posts. This will happen sometimes. Often it’s because I’m out having an awesome time in the world. But sometimes it’s because I just don’t want to share.

All this being said, it’s been a trip.

Life has gone all pin ball machine lately, and I’m that metal ball pinging from paddle to paddle. Sometimes I shoot up in a happy moment, other times I roll down towards that game-over pit and not a paddle can save me . . .

That’s really dramatic language. When I started with that pinball metaphor, I actually thought it would be more fun.

Life has been like a plate of spaghetti. I’m the meat ball on top, sinking into the marinara sauce and wet, warm noodles . . . and the Parmesan cheese, with that pinch of salt and sprinkle of pepper . . . and the fork going in there with the spoon, wrapping all the goodness together . . .

Actually no. Life hasn’t been like a meatball on a plate of spaghetti. I’m just seriously hungry. Like SERIOUSLY hungry.

Life has been like this: it’s has been busy. After that trip to the hospital, a few different things happen:

  • My oncologist, Dr Canada, ordered a biopsy – meaning a tube-down-the-throat-into-the-lungs biopsy.
  • Then, following that, radiation was ordered – meaning shoot radiation at your lungs for two weeks every evening after work.
  • Then, following that the side effects kicked in – meaning don’t eat because you can’t and lose 10 pounds for swim suit season…except it’s winter and we all just want to indulge in cookies and chocolate. At least, I do. Stuffing too. And meat pie. And pretty much everything right about now. Just today I had my first solid food in a week. I chewed that olive about 40 times before swallowing.
  • I missed work, and worried.
  • Biopsy results came back. Interesting stuff. More another day.

Other things happened too!

  • Zsolt became CANADIAN.

I was going to throw him a party like this: Everyone would come over wearing red & white. We’d be decked out in Canadiana. He, being the guest of honour, would name the best Canadian outfit. We’d have a map of Canada and people would be blind folded, and would need to ‘pin the capital on the country’. There would be a table filled with Canadian themed food from Beaver tales to maple syrup to a veggie platter (because you need something healthy) to maple cake to Canadian beer, etc. And we’d all give Zsolt our best advice on how to be Canadian.

None of that happened, except in my head. Maybe it will, probably it won’t. Unfortunately the radiation side effects were stronger than anticipated, and we cancelled the party. Party or not, the man is still CANADIAN. And it’s still really surreal.

More things!

  • Refugees began to arrive in Canada! This makes me really happy to watch in the news. They’ve been going through a nightmare. Even though the memories will of course follow them, they are here. They are in a new home, and we want them to feel as safe as possible.
  • We decorated our apartment. Finally, after months of the pictures hanging around and the freezer being in the middle of the floor, we have put everything away and made this new place feel more like home.
  • Work! It went well.
  • I went and bought some clothes. Somehow, in between the physical phases of treatment, my mother and I went to the shop and I picked up some clothes for work. The sale rack was good to me. I no longer need to shop for another 1.5 years. ­
  • My family has been awesome-incredible-amazing-loving-supporting and more. Zsolt and I have been so touched.

 

This is what I need to remember going into 2016. It is probably not going to be a bed of roses, but if I’m lucky the lows will seriously be balanced, if not totally knocked aside by the highs. I need to remember what I’m fighting for. These good things need to be the center of me. It may not always been easy, but I pray it is always worthwhile.

That is all.

Goodnight.

 

What comes next? I don’t know.

Posted in advanced cancer, Bumpboobs, Treatment by

Yesterday was one I’d like to forget forever. At about 6 AM, I woke up Zsolt with a hard cough. I woke up myself too! The cough, unfortunately, was very, very unhealthy. Like, get to the ER unhealthy. It was followed up by a kind of gurgling in my lungs.

Pretty fucking scary, I have to say. After a day in the ER at the General in Ottawa, with a few tests and a lot of waiting, plus a visit from various doctors, the reality was confirmed – one of my lung lobes had collapsed. The treatment I’m on isn’t working. Hasn’t been working for a while, and so the problems have been growing – most recently blocking one of the airways into a lung area, hence the collapse. And it’s time to jump ship to different options. This a point in the road I really didn’t want to reach. I didn’t want to get here. I don’t know how it will go down.

But I do love my life, and I love my work, and I hope this new treatment option – the scary C word,but considerably more light in dosing, plus possible radiation to the trouble making lung lobe blocker – will have the effect of pushing back the damn progression, because then I can carry on as I’d like. Apparently a range of doctors will be meeting to discuss my situation, and come up with a plan on how best to tackle this. In the meanwhile, I am breathing fine. The lung doc says I’m compensating remarkably well for the loss of the lobe.

Anyhow, it was a scary day. Perhaps even scarier for my husband, who was left alone after I’d passed out from panic at 6 AM and managed to get me the needed help – he laid me out safely and called 911.

My parents and he stayed with me all day in that small, quiet, and thankfully uneventful ER room. They were with me when I received the news of the progression and its ramifications, and they are with me in what needs to be done moving forward. Together I am certain we will make the best of this. I’m lucky for all of this love and support.

One day at a time, one challenge at a time.

But holy shit, life is fragile.

Random midnight rant

Posted in Bumpboobs, Life, Life despite cancer, Love, Travel, Treatment by

It’s late and I have a wheeze in my left lung. I never know what to think about these things. Is it the humidity in the air? Maybe I’m just feeling anxious from a weekend of booking travel and staying up too late? Perhaps it’s because my team is out of the playoffs. . . I’ve had wheezes on and off for the past two years, often anxiety related, but who knows. Each time I hear/feel the wheeze, it plain scares me. Everything stops and I take a few deep breaths, asking myself: is it really there? Did that really happen?

Yeah, it did. It happened. It happens too often.

Sleepless Night

Is it the nerves, or it is – you know – that cancer thing the previous scans showed was growing?

Here’s a little dose of honesty. I’m really truly disappointed to not have made that study. There is this drug out there that’s not within my reach. Not for the time being, at least. It’s now on sale in the US while they finish up trials. I had some very high hopes for that drug, because this hormone therapy stuff just doesn’t seem to be cutting the mustard anymore. And frankly, I don’t want to have the chemo conversation like, ever. As in never.

My mom has been doing a lot of research. Thank goodness for that. I just can’t do it, not like she’s able to. So we will be working on my body and its ability to heal. Because of her, I don’t have to be passive as I wait for the next set of scans. I’m grateful for this. Also, there’s this yoga place with a first-time special of 35$/month for unlimited classes. We are going to go together. Another thing that inspired gratitude.

Topic jump:

Last week. I left my oncologist appointment with a new prescription, by the by. After some bizzaro conversation with the resident doctor who is learning to be an oncolgosts about an abnormal pituitary gland inside of my brain, followed by many reassurances by her and Dr Canada that is very likely not cancer – or at least, not breast cancer – anyhow, following that, I receive a prescription for another estrogen blocking drug given that the previous wasn’t working. Honestly, while I am going to take it this summer just to see what can happen, this new drug doesn’t give me high hopes. We are buying time. Not time as in ‘stopping the cancer from growing’ but more like ‘delaying any hard conversations about treatment options in hopes that something better pops up’.

So, I’m going to take this summer for what it is: an escape. Maybe I can write. Maybe we can rest. Maybe we can enjoy a beautiful few months together away from the word ‘cancer’.

Topic jump:

Here’s one other thing I just want to say. It’s really late at night, and I’m writing this in the dark. I’m certain Zsolt would love it if I stopped writing, but he’s a good sport too. Anyhow, here is what I wanted to say: treatment blows for young women with bc. Like, it sucks. I’m blocked from all the good studies because I’m not 1) over 65 and 2) without a uterus.

Where are the drug studies for young women with this damn disease? Why can I be eligible for the drug with great potential? Why do I need to wrestle with my oncologist and pharmacist to be covered for a certain prescription, and have to argue how I’m most certainly post-menopausal – not having had my period for over a year, enjoying the never-ending flux of hot flashes and anxiety, watching certain body parts shrink from lack of estrogen, definitely not ovulating with a diminished sex drive, and also not-so-much enjoying the constant pain when doing adult activities due to a crazy weird tightening of the lady parts. Seriously, it’s like being revirginized after every go!

So, don’t tell me I’m not postmenopausal! BAH! The nerve of some people. I could go on, but had better not.

Topic Jump:

Soon it’ll be the 10 year anniversary of when Zsolt and I got together. We met in Nice, France, and plan to go back there for a couple days during our trip. Pretty damn romantic, eh? I expect it to be too-quick, very emotional, and deeply important to us both to return. The number of times we’ve recounted the story of ‘how we met’ to one other – well, it’s a lot – so to actually be returning to the scene of that miracle feels good. It’s important to us both.

Topic Jump:

It’s almost midnight. I’m getting tired. No wheeze for the time being. I guess it went away.

Topic Jump:

Bedtime.

Good night.

Random rant over.

🙂

Maybe now I can sleep.

P.S. (Apparently my right leg is ahead of me. I’ve been sitting a weird way while writing this, and now it’s totally numb!)