Medical marijuana and ear wax

Okay, I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna write this blog post. And I’m going to keep it short!

 

With my total lack of appetite, and nausea to boot, I’m exploring the world of medical marijuana. There is a clinic in Ottawa called the Canadian Cannabis Clinic, or something along those lines. My care coordinator recommended it to me, and my family doctor referred me over there after I kindly asked her to do so.

(by the way, I also had my ears cleaned out at my family doctor’s. After a lifetime of not flushing my ears, I got a satisfying plug of wax released from each ear. It was wonderfully gross. As my lovely audience in the room can attest to.)

Anyhow, eventually I ended up at the CCC for an appointment. It went very well! Apparently, there are different properties of week and different strengths that can be purchased. The CCC took my history, and then I spoke with a doctor via Skype. She helped to explain and explore the dosing and strains that might best suit me. And after that, I was passed to a care coordinator – who hooked me up with a legal supplier, and helped me find a product to try. Overall, very helpful! I look forward to trying the goods and see if it can help.

Best part was, the consultation was covered by OHIP, so I didn’t need to pay anything for the visit. That was a surprise.

When so many other things are going a little crazy, it was nice that this could be fairly easy. Many steps, but fairly easy.

Zsolt is SO busy at work. Every time I see the guy he has a lap top in his hands. I can barely get him to leave the house! It’s great that he is so fulfilled at his work. Next I hope they can find a balance so I get my man on the weekends.

And finally I’m painting a painting for my mother, and am VERY intimidated. I really don’t want to mess this up or make it look boring. But I keep telling myself, if you don’t have fun there is no point – so relax. My mom doesn’t mind if it is terrible, but I’m sure she would like it even more if it weren’t! We went to the shop together and picked out the colours she likes, and a massive canvas. Honestly it is the canvas that intimidates me. Plus all that pain I’ll needs. Oh well – on wards!

That is it. There is a mass in my chest pushing on my abdomen and stomach – so I had a CT for that, and will ultrasound it later. I hope something can be done. I hope.

 

Okay that is really it. I could write more, but I’m not inclined to do so.

Therefore, done.

P.S. I had a blood transfusion. The best thing about a blood transfusion (apart from the life giving fresh healthy cells and the amazing anonymous donor who helped me so much) is the four hours I get to sleep in a bed during the day, and not feel at all guilty about the time ‘wasted’. Guilt free blood transfusions, a great way to rest.

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MALL walking!

It’s eleven PM and I’m starting this blog post. Too late for spelling or grammar concerns. Too later, really, to be blogging. But what the heck? Let’s go for it.

Lately I’ve taken up an interesting sport. It is called “mall walking” and it’s quite the event. You see in Canada winter is cold. In Ottawa, where I live, it’s also snowy and icy and creates chaos for a person who lives downtown, doesn’t own a car, and needs to walk on the icy, uneven, potholed sidewalks of the city.

But the weather is beautiful on a crisp winter day, and the mall isn’t too far from my downtown location. So while downtown and not at my parents place, it’s a bit tempting to risk the short outdoor walk (even though my oncologist scared the heck outta me around breakages in bones, etc.) and go to the mall for a little bit of movement.

Yeah, I’m basically behaving like an elderly citizen. But I get it more, you know? Things like chemo and the change in body really make you get it. Mall walking – it just makes sense.

So the other day my brother took me walking in the mall.

First, it was absolutely adorable. He and I walked the precarious sidewalk towards the Rideau Center Mall arm in arm. I mean, come on – when do you walk arm in arm with your brother? NEVER, in my experience. But we did! I was quite excited about the whole trolling the mall thing, and he was happy to humour me.

So we take a walk outside. But by the time we actually reach the mall I’m wheezing like a … well… a person who cannot catch their breath. Unfortunately, my lungs have been giving me trouble. But that’s why it’s good to get outside and push them a little. Push, as my bro says, so that the body knows where to aim and grow towards.

Right, I’m wheezing on the street corner, catching my breath. But we made it – because the entrance is JUST RIGHT THERE. Screw the wheeze! Let’s keep going! I proclaim to him and a few random people passing by.

We continue up an incline. Screw the wheeze, screw the wheeze, screw the wheeze I say as we chug along. Because goodness knows I can’t just shut up and conserve my breath. No, I cope through chatter.

And finally we reach the entrance to the mall food court. Basically, we’re hitting up the most exciting part of the tour first, because there is plenty to see and do in a food court.

Including getting a massage!

We go in, take a seat on some comfy stools and my traditional-Chinese-medicine trained brother gives me an awesome chest and shoulder massage.

So we go from holding arms, to massaging.

Not weird at all.

Ha!

But screw it, I was in 7-heaven. Every walk should pause mid-way for a massage. Plus, it really helped to reinvigorate me for the remainder of the mall walk.

Then we take off (but not before deciding that as a reward for this very productive walking excursion, we’d buy some BUCHIPOP, sold in the food court and made by my brother’s girlfriend – it’s her drink company – on the way out!)

And off we walked into the mall.

I guess the key to a good mall walk is not to actually go into many shops. It’s more walk-by browsing. Otherwise things become rather stagnant. However, of course, if something catches the eye than by all means stop. Of course, I’m doing it wrong, technically. WAYYYYY back when I was 20 and worked for Old Navy,  I’d see proper mall walkers in the morning before anyone actually began shopping in the mall. They were a serious bunch. They didn’t stop to shop because the stores were not even open yet! They would just charge around the mall over and over – really proper and serious mall walkers.

I’m more like… a contemplative walker. I enjoy the sights and sounds. I enjoy the conversation.

JP, my brother, carried my coat. Very gentlemen like. So first there was arm-in-arm strolls, a massage, and then gentlemanly behaviour. WEIRD! But to tell you the truth, his carrying my coat is a great relief, and I can use that energy for explore and gab for a longer period of time.

Eventually the walking felt complete. I bought my rewards BUCHIPOP and we headed back to the apartment.

While I do spend most of my time at my parents, it has been very nice to be downtown too. If for no other reason than the chance to spend more time with my brothers – they both live downtown – and of course, for the occasional visit to the mall.

Arm in arm we walked home together. And it was it such a good time. I’ve decided that I will take the memory of that mall wall with me into my radiation appointment this week.

Targeted radiation – cyber knife. For all the spots in my brain. I have three days worth of sessions. First day 1 hour with the face mask on,locking me to the table. Second two sessions – 1.5 hours and 1 hour back-to-back with the face mask on, locked down. Third session, on the Monday – 1.5 hours and 1 hour back to back with the face mask on, locked down. (VERY good, but psychologically challenging)

The only way I figure I’ll cope with this, is to take in all the stories and moments I’ve been enjoying – from you – to think about as my brain receives laser radioactive surgery.

I will think about the mall walk with my brother. Think about going to the tea house with my oldest friend and the hot chocolate we used to order. Think about Pink Floyd and Christmas lights. Think about dancing with my husband. Think about PWC and eating a gooey pizza with my also-wants-to-be-a-writer-and-we-also-love-to-gossip co-worker. Think about shelving books at Chapters and escaping to the back room. Think about going out west with my Dad. Think about Pride and Prejudice with my mom. Think about car rides with my cousins. Think about kicking some ass in the gym class self-defense module and earning a reputation for being crazy. Think about BOLO. Think about riding bikes in Balaton. Think about brunch with friends. Think about my writing, how you react to it, and what I want to do with it going forward.

Think think think.

Thank you so much for all of your messages. I was nervous to put that post out. SO nervous. But it was good, and I’m glad to have done it.

I’ll take all of you in with me to those radiation sessions. And we’ll get these spots under control.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

PS NO SPELL CHECK TONIGHT> Maybe tomorrow. Maybe. I’m always embarrassed by the errors. But better out then never published. And things can be reviewed later.  Gooood night!

Merry Christmas!!! (But not a Christmas post)

2 AM post

Today was a very good day. Really it was lovely. Dr Canada prescribed me some pills, and after two days of being unable to eat – finally I have both appetite and some strength.

Plus my family visited today. Zsolt and I are staying at my parents house for Christmas, and stayed all of last week for not eating, etc, and my brother, his lady and my brother came over.

In addition, I had just enough energy to go to my friends’ annual Christmas Eve Eve party, which is in a bar and relaxed.

So compared to yesterday this was a Christmas miracle.

Another interesting thing about having mets to the brain, is (apart from being unable  to eat or feel my face) truly bizarre side effect of lucid visions. Not when I’m ‘awake’ but the minute I close my eyes and try to sleep I see things. Weird and beautiful and distracting things. Mostly I see what looks like cross stitch patterns you might see in a tapestry. Except it is a very clean tapestry and if the vision allows me, I can go in incredibly close to examine the details.

I tried to envision an apple – simple right? What I got instead was this pattern of colour-apple green-stitched in small bundles ultimately forming small squared  stitched upon a basic bed of cold grey wove together. And as I watched, more apple green stitches appeared, and I realized they were right up to my face, essentially touching everything I saw.

 

So, pretty fudge buckets weird or what. Because this wasn’t a dream. I was trying to entire an apple to form from the ether and never expect. By the by, when I open my eyes – I STILL see these objects.

Another vision was of Marie Antoinette with her courtesans in some French garden yard. Except I could see the incredibly fine details of her dress. And I stared more intently at this, the texture began to pour down the back of the dress like black sand emeralds, till all the courtesan and Antoinne morphed into sand and stepped into a wall.

Then I blinked and was back with my husband, the wall lost in the whiteness of his t-shirt.

In time I hope to either get ride of this or get used to it.

In the meanwhile….weird-oh-rama.

It’s reasons like this I’m not keen to try weed again. Life is already enough of a trip.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE!!! There are many ways to be kind to one another. And in the wake of yesterday, many of you have founds way to express that to me and Zsolt. Thank you.

PS as I wrote this at 2 AM, I am amazed any one ‘reading this’ was about to understand the incoherent blurb of text that it is! Well done you folks. I’ve tried to fix it a bit today.