Under my tree

I had a particularly good day yesterday for a number of reasons, one big one being the boost of steroids and food. But this experience I feel is worth turning on the computer to capture at 2:40 AM.

Zsolt and I were relaxing on the front porch last evening, enjoying the massive sway of maple leaves mixing with a breeze and the gold evening light. Zsolt was mentioning how his friend enjoys recording short videos to remember the feeling of a place, rather than what it looked like alone with a photo.

This made me think a little.

I think, I replied, that I like to actually be in a place that has captured a piece of who I am, rather than a picture or a video…. being there, in that spot, whether it be an evening by the lake in Balaton or sitting under the tree I have literally grown along with all my life . . . that is what is really is to remember who, and what i am. That is when a piece of what makes me, me, shines. It reminds me that life is far more than a picture, or film, or a place to sit, a thing to let happen, a bed. These experiences are pieces of what I am. They make me, and they remind me of what I am.

So, I like them best. Far better than any form of art or screen.

Places that make me:

Under my tree

Balaton in the evening

The pond in Rockliff

The lake in Jasper called Horseshoe

The pool with family on a hot day

A drive with the window down and the music blaring

Eating into an orange that drips with sweet tangy juice

Sticking my face into a watermelon on a hot day

Warm cookies that are home made, not too sweet, and mine

A cup of tea and milk

Ice water

Little mountain villages with water down the middle

Home

Travel

Love

Zsolt

Dusk

I am all of these things

 

Stay Hydrated

I am typing here to you with some burnt fingers and a 3:00 AM knowledge that I should be sleeping. But When the doctor prescribed at big steroid boost, it is hard to stay asleep, unless that sleep gets read weird.

Therefore after attempting to follow one of the first commandments of palliative – get rest – I am attempting another: stay hydrated. Apparently i am not so good at it because I just dropped and cracked a glass tea travel mug. Burnt some fingers too. The even would have happened regardless of the time of day. I poured myself a second cup. The idea here is that I stay hydrated BUT don’t over water myself, as I has been done a lot tonight. Loads of ice chips and cold drinks. Mostly water, also some clever juice and fizz combos. Attempting to slow this down, i am trying to tea and type. So far the tea is working – i have not touched it – but the type is keeping me awake.

Yesterday, or rather Tuesday now, came two separate visits from a nurse and a chemo home doctor later. While I am gracious for both, they are way more harsh than Dr Canada ever was. Though maybe all this will change as we get to know one another. Anyhow, it was tooooo much and truly draining. Hopefully this set up bit goes steadily, and I don’t fully lose my mind.

There are good, smile moments too…floating in the pool, dancing again with Zsolt, and even eating eggs. Just here is a challenge. We will work through it all… even the broken tea travel glass mug current sitting in my sink.

Good morning.

P.S.

Good evening. Following this rough night where only a hot shower was the cure, we had a lovely day. Friends took us for ice cream, Z&I picked up medications, I bought a cane, we rolled in my rental chair around the grocery store, and went to get pizza. Tonight upcoming be what it may, today was actually fun. 🙂

Catherine

 

try to keep living until you feel alive again

Which is what I will try to do.

It’s official, I’m being moved to pallative care. Zsolt and I visited with Dr Canada who, and he officially bowed out. There is nothing more that he can offer in the form of treatment. Now I move into a different circle of suppourt that involves home visits, wheel chairs, IV for hydration and more. It is very hard to accept. But I will do as the saying goes – try to keep living until I feel alive again.

In the meanwhile, I’ve just today discovered that I enjoy filtered apple juice.

This is all I can manage to type. It’s a sad day for us.