Last Post – 144 months and 1 week

Happy

I am writing this to thank all of you. Thank you so much for following along this journey. I’ve been lucky, not many diagnosed with breast cancer and reoccurrence live as long as I did. Some only get months. For me, it was years.

It was trips to Europe. It was a writing career. It was becoming a podcaster. It was buying a car. It was watching my husband thrive in his work. It was paddling the waters early morning in Balaton. It was cottaging with my family, and playing games like Telestration. It was meeting all your babies! It was working at the library and seeing how they support so many. It was landing a dream job with Amnesty International, which justified how following your joys can actually lead to concrete ‘grown up’ good things. It was family reunions and cousins and aunts and uncles. It was buying a couch! It was facing fears. It was Claire Never Ending.

It was time with my Dad (wow we are so alike). It was time with my Mom (and shows we watched, the comfort we shared, the support you gave). It was time with Daniel (the car rides!). It was time with JP (the kindness and love). It was time with Catherine (the tea we drank!). It was my fellow writers, Ulrike, James and Kate (and how we believe in each other). It was meeting Kevin. It was time with my long-time friends, seeing how they’ve grown, and Christmas’ Eve Eve.

It was Zsolt. It has always been Zsolt. Everything, every second, instant, thought, laugh, cry, comfort. The way he smiles when he walks into the room. How his face changes when he thinks. His wonderful height, and how I can cuddle up into his arms. How much we have in common. How much we love each other. How you are my very very very best friend.

And it was all of you too, who wrote to me in the comment sections or read along quietly. You made the hard days easier, and my random thought experiments acceptable. It was fun to write with you. I’m grateful to know you were all out there, and in some ways my words left an impact. That was your gift to me.

Thank you.

I’ve been lucky. I got to have so much. I got to have you.

This life has truly been a win.

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Truth of it

Well today I slept till noon. In the middle of the night I allowed myself a tylenol, which helps alleviate the pain that I can sometimes feel in my chest and back and ribs. I know my doctors would say to take morpheme…but I know pain, and this is just a shadow pain…muted, mostly, and tylenol can do the trick.

So I sleep in and savor it like a warm bath. But there is life out there! In my mind I have made myself low sugar peanut butter cookies, and I am have made myself goulash and more kaposta. And in my mind I have finished my manuscript and posted it on this website for access.

in my mind I’m already wearing the incontinence diapers we bought for the cottage, which means I can finally chill out about mistakes.

In my mind I have found the energy to go buy that acrylic painting paper I need so not every painting is on thick canvas.

And in my mind, I can basically tap dance – and walk up the stairs on my own.

But the only parts of that that are true rests with the incontinence and the weakness when it comes to the stairs. And then there is my husband who I worry about all the time. Worry about his work, but also his emotional state of being, and how it is such a struggle to do this for us both…..though downstairs in bed or upstairs in zero energy but pushing any how land he is always fun to be with.

No energy for proofing. i am sure it is getting worse and worse. Oh well, at least words hit the page.

Done

PS I am getting new glasses and that is exciting.

Thank you!

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the b-day wishes. It was lovely. Perfect basically.

Okay, I really don’t know what to say except not much at all. I have been making an effort these days. An effort to stay out of bed. It’s a lot easier for me to do this in the afternoon. I sleep in till about 10:30 lately, and then mentally put my shoes on very slowly, and then I’m up – visiting with folks (who come over), writing, painting… OH

I just painted THE largest canvas ever. Once it is on the wall Maybe a picture will be possible. It took the stuffing out of me to paint. The stuffing. It may be the last thing I paint for sometime simply because I’m knackered.

Things to look forward to:

That cottage part two. We don’t own in my family, we rent. It is easier. Less responsibility. But we have rented the same place, so it feels homey. I sleep not so well, but the view of the water is lovely. Last time we were there I borrowed a game from my best friend. It is called “marrying MR Darcey”  and is a role playing game. Good fun! Each year a couple at the cottage will take an evening meal to make. It is soooo good. I must be quite hungry now because I’m in the mood for that food.

My 12th year anniversary with Zsolt. 🙂

A warm sunny day. While BC is suffocating with flame and smoke, Ottawa has gotten so much rain. Every day it rains. It is a gloomy thing and I keep thinking there may be sunshine. I am thinking of the folks out west and the terror of what is happening. We are lucky over here in Ottawa – if only we could blow our storms your way.

Another visit from my bestie. She has made time for me in a big way. It has been very meaningful. her birthday gift was a summary of happy emails we’ve exchanged over the years. Crazy hilarious and sweet.

My writing group 🙂

Everyone I’ve seen lately and who has allowed me to spill my guts to them, and endured me saying some very direct things on how I have loved them in my life.

The steroids I’m on have had a useful impact. Sure, my skin is tissue, my nails want to fall off, I have mood swings and there are dots spreading…none of it matters compared to the fact that the drugs are keeping me upright. Sometimes it feels like upright in a very puppeted fashion – but I’m pushing to stay and do what I can do.

Apparently my right eye as an astigmatism (or whatever) that has slightly changed it shaped. This means new glasses – an outdoor sort of thing. Also my phone is experiencing spasms and is to be replaced as soon as I get the energy to do so.

This isn’t a health update but rather one in the list of things to look forward to. I finished the first draft of my book!! It is called Space Opera in Space. The wizard of Oz meets zany cross universe adventurers who work the night shift at a Wurgers fast food restaurant. YeAAAAAAHHHH! It’s fun and very light and rather quick. Once I clean this up slightly, and format, I will be sticking the draft (keep in mind that word) on Bumpyboobs for anyone to download and print for themselves.

 

And that is all I have to say about allllll of that.

 

P.S. Totally knackered having written this!