Truth of it

Well today I slept till noon. In the middle of the night I allowed myself a tylenol, which helps alleviate the pain that I can sometimes feel in my chest and back and ribs. I know my doctors would say to take morpheme…but I know pain, and this is just a shadow pain…muted, mostly, and tylenol can do the trick.

So I sleep in and savor it like a warm bath. But there is life out there! In my mind I have made myself low sugar peanut butter cookies, and I am have made myself goulash and more kaposta. And in my mind I have finished my manuscript and posted it on this website for access.

in my mind I’m already wearing the incontinence diapers we bought for the cottage, which means I can finally chill out about mistakes.

In my mind I have found the energy to go buy that acrylic painting paper I need so not every painting is on thick canvas.

And in my mind, I can basically tap dance – and walk up the stairs on my own.

But the only parts of that that are true rests with the incontinence and the weakness when it comes to the stairs. And then there is my husband who I worry about all the time. Worry about his work, but also his emotional state of being, and how it is such a struggle to do this for us both…..though downstairs in bed or upstairs in zero energy but pushing any how land he is always fun to be with.

No energy for proofing. i am sure it is getting worse and worse. Oh well, at least words hit the page.

Done

PS I am getting new glasses and that is exciting.

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Thank you!

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the b-day wishes. It was lovely. Perfect basically.

Okay, I really don’t know what to say except not much at all. I have been making an effort these days. An effort to stay out of bed. It’s a lot easier for me to do this in the afternoon. I sleep in till about 10:30 lately, and then mentally put my shoes on very slowly, and then I’m up – visiting with folks (who come over), writing, painting… OH

I just painted THE largest canvas ever. Once it is on the wall Maybe a picture will be possible. It took the stuffing out of me to paint. The stuffing. It may be the last thing I paint for sometime simply because I’m knackered.

Things to look forward to:

That cottage part two. We don’t own in my family, we rent. It is easier. Less responsibility. But we have rented the same place, so it feels homey. I sleep not so well, but the view of the water is lovely. Last time we were there I borrowed a game from my best friend. It is called “marrying MR Darcey”  and is a role playing game. Good fun! Each year a couple at the cottage will take an evening meal to make. It is soooo good. I must be quite hungry now because I’m in the mood for that food.

My 12th year anniversary with Zsolt. 🙂

A warm sunny day. While BC is suffocating with flame and smoke, Ottawa has gotten so much rain. Every day it rains. It is a gloomy thing and I keep thinking there may be sunshine. I am thinking of the folks out west and the terror of what is happening. We are lucky over here in Ottawa – if only we could blow our storms your way.

Another visit from my bestie. She has made time for me in a big way. It has been very meaningful. her birthday gift was a summary of happy emails we’ve exchanged over the years. Crazy hilarious and sweet.

My writing group 🙂

Everyone I’ve seen lately and who has allowed me to spill my guts to them, and endured me saying some very direct things on how I have loved them in my life.

The steroids I’m on have had a useful impact. Sure, my skin is tissue, my nails want to fall off, I have mood swings and there are dots spreading…none of it matters compared to the fact that the drugs are keeping me upright. Sometimes it feels like upright in a very puppeted fashion – but I’m pushing to stay and do what I can do.

Apparently my right eye as an astigmatism (or whatever) that has slightly changed it shaped. This means new glasses – an outdoor sort of thing. Also my phone is experiencing spasms and is to be replaced as soon as I get the energy to do so.

This isn’t a health update but rather one in the list of things to look forward to. I finished the first draft of my book!! It is called Space Opera in Space. The wizard of Oz meets zany cross universe adventurers who work the night shift at a Wurgers fast food restaurant. YeAAAAAAHHHH! It’s fun and very light and rather quick. Once I clean this up slightly, and format, I will be sticking the draft (keep in mind that word) on Bumpyboobs for anyone to download and print for themselves.

 

And that is all I have to say about allllll of that.

 

P.S. Totally knackered having written this!

 

 

Under my tree

I had a particularly good day yesterday for a number of reasons, one big one being the boost of steroids and food. But this experience I feel is worth turning on the computer to capture at 2:40 AM.

Zsolt and I were relaxing on the front porch last evening, enjoying the massive sway of maple leaves mixing with a breeze and the gold evening light. Zsolt was mentioning how his friend enjoys recording short videos to remember the feeling of a place, rather than what it looked like alone with a photo.

This made me think a little.

I think, I replied, that I like to actually be in a place that has captured a piece of who I am, rather than a picture or a video…. being there, in that spot, whether it be an evening by the lake in Balaton or sitting under the tree I have literally grown along with all my life . . . that is what is really is to remember who, and what i am. That is when a piece of what makes me, me, shines. It reminds me that life is far more than a picture, or film, or a place to sit, a thing to let happen, a bed. These experiences are pieces of what I am. They make me, and they remind me of what I am.

So, I like them best. Far better than any form of art or screen.

Places that make me:

Under my tree

Balaton in the evening

The pond in Rockliff

The lake in Jasper called Horseshoe

The pool with family on a hot day

A drive with the window down and the music blaring

Eating into an orange that drips with sweet tangy juice

Sticking my face into a watermelon on a hot day

Warm cookies that are home made, not too sweet, and mine

A cup of tea and milk

Ice water

Little mountain villages with water down the middle

Home

Travel

Love

Zsolt

Dusk

I am all of these things