And Counting! 32 Life Lessons on my 32nd Birthday

Today I turn thirty two. That sounds pretty darn tooting good, doesn’t it? I want to make this occasion with a short blog post. Here I am at thirty two. Just past evening last night (or today, I guess), Zsolt asked me about my sixteenth birthday. What was it like? he asked. For the life of me, I can’t exactly distinguish it from my seventeenth birthday. All I know for sure was that I had watched The Sound of Music too many times and had this picture of sweet sixteen involving dancing around a gazebo on a moonlit night singing “I am sixteen going on seventeen.”

32 years old birthday

One thing for sure, I feel more sure of my self sixteen years later after having turned sixteen. My self-confidence isn’t perfect, but somehow, through some miracle of life, I’ve managed to connect myself with the very best of people who are fantastic and supportive and such good friends (which includes my family). When I walk down the street in my bright red trousers, thick pink glasses, rainbow hat and polka dot jacket, I feel beautiful. (Sixteen year old Catherine would have never left the bedroom, let alone the house, in that outfit.) And I have a more secure sense of myself.  Okay, I’m still a bit of a drifter, but at least I know what I like and don’t like in a very clear way.

Okay, it’s 6 AM when I am writing this, but here goes nothing. For my 32nd birthday, here’s a list of 32 things I’ve learned over the years. Damn, this is going to be a long list!

1. Good people are worth investing in, and they’ll invest in you too.

2. Walking down the street in red trousers with pink glasses, a rainbow hat and a polka jacket is the best way to dress.

3. When it comes to Love, don’t settle. Love is far too important to settle.

4. The best way to become anything is to start by admitting it aloud. For example: I am a writer. I am also an entrepreneur.

5. Birthday are always better with cake and a loud round of Happy Birthday.

6. The outside often reflects the inside. To feel better, clean something.

7. If you expect to work with amazing people, you will end up working with amazing people. Like love, this is an area where it’s not worth settling.

8. 6 AM is not a good time to wake up and make a list.

9. School is great, but travel and adventures are better.

10. Hollandaise sauce is really easy to make – use a double boiler, but don’t leave the top pot directly on the steam. I hold with a mitt and lift to control the temperature.

11. Everyone is normal in their unique way.

12. Successful people are great people. There’s no use in being intimidated or thinking they see themselves as better. They are hard working and have tapped their talent. Better to learn from them than be insecure.

13. Assholes aren’t worth more time than it takes to read this sentence.

14. Holy hotdog, am I seriously only on number 14? Okay, I have learned not to make a list at 6:15 Am.

15. The best way to travel is by boat – big, luxury boats. It’s beyond first class.

16. Everything is easier the fifth time you do it. Keep going.

17. Say hello and smile.

18. Even hot guys can be nice guys. I’m thinking of my husband here, who was a jock and who I would have never gone near when I was sixteen because he is far too good looking.

19. Being invisible can have its advantages, but damn, it feels good to be seen.

20. Life won’t unfold as expected, but fuck that – chase after your dreams. Even if the road to realization doesn’t go as planned, you can make it there nevertheless.

21. Sometimes it is useful to know that we are a tiny spec of life in this infinite expanse of space, and when you zoom away from Earth we literally disappear into the nothing because there is so much out there. I’m not saying we are not important, I’m just saying that when life feels unfair, it is good to remember the vastness of what is out there – and how “unfair” probably isn’t a concept in space.

22. Everything you experience will leave an impression.

23. I should really be in bed right now.

24. Things can and will get hard. But not always. And often times they get better. It’s a bit of a cycle.

25. Once that really big thing happens to you in life, you can never go back to the way you were before. It’s like #22, but a thousands times that. It’s okay to cry for the loss.

26. Some people will find you intimidating.That is both reasonable and bizzare, but maybe it means you are doing something right? I don’t know. Check back with me when I am forty and making another damn long list.

27. Hope is important.

28. Paprika – it’s an under appreciated spice, but so totally worth your while.

29. If a guy ever wants to “save you,” run in the other direction. (Unless you are hanging on the ledge of a cliff or something similar. I am more talking about that desire to fix what is not broken)

30. Feminism is good. There are many things that are good – Feminism is one of them. (I realized I was a feminist around the age 16 or 17, and it surprised me.)

31. When you wear glasses, people assume you are smart. If you stand straight, people will assume you are confident. If you smile, people will assume that you are kind. There is a trend here.

32. Every birthday matters.

Bonus Lesson:

You can always go back to bed. 🙂 I will see you later.

 

 

 

A Nice Little Life

Life has been nice these past 2 weeks. When I think back to this time last year . . . well, let’s not do that right now. Instead, let me tell you just a little about how awesome it is to take a holiday for real.

First some friends got married. Oh my goodness, that was lovely. Funny, I can remember going to a wedding last year and feeling a strange moment of . . . something. But this time it was far more about laughing with friends, and hearing touching speeches, and seeing a very happy couple united. So that was the start of the good times. Right after the wedding, we took off for a cottage.

"Photo booth"

“Wedding Photo booth”

My parents rented a beautiful cottage not long ago up at Lac Blue Sea for about 6 days. They invited all of us to go up and stay with them at the cottage for some R&R. There’s zero internet at the place, and that’s really good since the only time I seem to stop working is when I literally cannot access my work. So, we went to the cottage and unplugged.

It was fantastic. From kayaking to beautiful food to swimming at dusk, to pretend cottage shopping, to multiple cups of tea, to laying on the sofa reading books, to playing board games, to laughing, to napping . . . it was heavenly. Last year we went to the very same place, and Zsolt and I spend some time at this place last autumn as well. It’s a good place – a very good place.

But it doesn’t stop there. As you may know, I pushed my scan back this year. It took some juggling, but we got there in the end. So, for Zsolt’s birthday – he turned 33! – we celebrated his birthday. He received many video games that I hope he one day plays. . .

(We are playing The Walking Dead together at the moment, a game produced by Telltale Games and based on the comics The Walking Dead. It is seriously intense and emotional stuff – but also fun since we’re really playing together. He kills the zombies while I hide in the other room, and I help him solve the not very difficult puzzles. Also I choose the responses in the dialogues, and Zsolt kills more zombies and shoots stuff in general. Good teamwork.)

Zsolt had some special birthday waffles, and then we just hung out the entire day. It was honestly a bit of a knackering day since we also left the cottage that afternoon, but it was a happy day nevertheless.

Then yesterday was Canada Day. It was so, so, so good. Last year had the weight of a hundred bricks on my chest. This year we were so busy going downtown and snapping silly photos, meeting friends, eating awesome food and watching fireworks, that I hardly had time for heavy emotions.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

And then on Saturday it will be my turn to have a birthday. Thirty two years old J I’m so freaking happy about it that I could just cry all over this keyboard.

The week following will be, very likely, a challenging week. I’ll have a CT scan, and then wait another week for results, and then . . .I don’t know. I could cry all over my keyboard thinking about that too – but would much rather not at the moment. For the time being, it is far better to enjoy the summer weather and summer mode of life.

It was a good decision to push back the scans. This has been a beautiful time.

The Moment I Knew For Sure

So I have this memory burned into my mind.

This memory is me at a train station in Amsterdam. My younger brother is standing behind me on the train platform and we’re waiting for this train to pull away. The train station is perfectly European as in the ceilings stretch up high and pigeons fly amoungst the raftors. The announcements in this far-off echo and bounce around the massive place as we stand there waiting.

And then I see him. I see Zsolt find his seat inside of the train. Only seconds ago he was with me in my arms, and now he’s there inside of this train about to pull out of the station. It’s funny how one second you can be wrapped up in this world of love and excitement, and then – almost inevitably – the next second you are sobbing on a train platform as your heart breaks and you wonder, “will I ever see him again?”

200

 

Zsolt is inside of this train waiting to pull out of the Amsterdam train station. He’s sitting by the window next to the platform. I slow down the tears as much as possible and go up to that window, and wait till he notices me.

He notices me.

He smiles.

I smile.

I put my hand against the window; it’s cold and it’s dirty, but he’s right there on the other side and only moments before he was next to me kissing me goodbye. Zsolt puts his hand upon the window against mine so that all there is between us is this cold pane of glass – that and a train that is now about to leave the station.

But just there in that ten second window before I need to step back, I make the decision that will change my life. I decide that no matter what happens, I will see him again. No matter what, we will be together again.

At that point, I’d known Zsolt for about three weeks, and had spent about nine of those days together with him. It was enough to know I wouldn’t give up on us. It was enough to change my life.

So, when I start to think about the things I’d rather not think about, I try and remember that moment on the platform – grimy glass and all – and focus on my hand against his hand. It is the moment that I carry with me through all of this, and keep safe with a sense of certainty. It’s the bright side when I go to the hard places. It is my power. It is our love.

 

P.S. It’s our five year wedding anniversary today, hence this sentimental post! 🙂