Okay, here we go. It’s June, baby. And I mean baby.
This morning I spoke with a young lady who works in the local imaging clinic. She was booking me in for a MRI this upcoming Tuesday morning. All I could think of as we talked over my ‘pre-screening’ on the phone was: “I hope I don’t cry again. Oh, and I hope I don’t pass out. Annnd I hope I don’t throw up. AND there better not be cancer.” Not crying would be a glorious first.
(The other stuff all happened the very first time I had an MRI. The situation was simply too overwhelming, but no wonder given the circumstances of diagnosis.)
But it’s a wonderful thing that I’m even having an MRI. The fact is, a woman in my situation – without any family history or any faulty BRCA genes – isn’t generally welcomed to MRI breast screening. But Dr Canada sent in a request, and apparently the requisition went through. It might be because I told them I was kaput with the tamoxifen.
As I said before, it’s June, baby.
What has been an emotional month for the past couple years now has an additional mark of importance. I’m not just getting screened this month, I’m stopping my tamoxifen. I’ve now been on Tamoxifen for 2 years and five months. So, basically 2.5 years. The oncologists recommend 5 years, and that might even be going up to 10 years with some new study recently released.
But I’m not waiting 10 years to try and have a baby. You can just forget that.
It’s so funny. I was saying to my husband, Zsolt, the other day that there are times in my life when I don’t want to be stopped. You know? Like when I want something so much, so badly, and feel that it is so right that it takes on a certain sort of power. I really only ever regret the moments where I didn’t follow my gut. For choices this big, this important – I need to go with what resonates through my being. And it’s saying TRY, DAMN IT, TRY.
I WANT to do this with every single part of my being, and therefore, we are going to do it. We are going to go for a baby.
My oncologist, as I’ve said before, is of two minds in the matter. In one aspect he thinks I should stay on the Tamoxifen. But on the other side of things, he reckons young women actually benefit from getting pregnant in terms of protection from cancer. He is in two minds. I am in one mind. My single mindedness helps this decision feel a little less scary.
The Tamoxifen stops as of June 15th. We then wait three months. And then, we try. That’s all I can do. Try. And I guess give up all dairy products and other food that encourages too much estrogen, since I will be without the Tamoxifen – it’s like the least I can do. And make sure I sweat every day since that also burns off extra estrogens.
So Monday is the MRI. June 27th is the mammogram. I’m stopping Tamoxifen on the 15th. And if the scans come back clean, then onward and upward. Today I also swallowed my nerves and called the fertility clinic for a check-up. More on that some other time.
June is a big month.
Everything will be okay.
I’ll try not to cry.