I don’t have too much to say today. The news is as expected – the breast cancer has come back, and it is in my lungs. Dr. Canada was very kind and caring as always, but his message was a difficult one to hear. Essentially, he told me to get on it if I have any ‘big wishes’.
The cells appear to be weakly estrogen positive, which isn’t great news (it would be much better if they were strongly estrogen positive like the first time, but I guess it changed). But nevertheless, we will try turning off my ovaries for a couple months and see what effect that has. If the cancer is held at bay – then great! If not, then chemotherapy will happen.
But man, he paints a bleak picture. Basically saying how (which I already know) cancer can keep coming back approach after approach. He also said we’re going to have to depend upon future treatments that are being developed. So FUCK in a FUCK BUCKET because while that’s nice and all, “future” isn’t today, and today is when I could really use a cure to this disease. And then he was saying that when people have a ‘limited amount of time’ they don’t want to spend it being sick with chemotherapy. I hate to say this, but he doesn’t really sound hopeful, does he?
Don’t worry, I’ll get my positivity back. I have a disposition toward optimism.
I guess the good news is that today I’m not dying. Today I just have cancer. Right now I can breathe, and walk, and function – which means I can try every damn thing available (and affordable) to beat the fucker back. I’m going to see what happens with alternative approaches alongside the medical ones. Dr. Canada gave me two months before checking in on the cancer again, so I’m going to be doing my very, very best in that time. It’s literally the least I can do.
And today I guess we’ll lay in bed and cry a little bit. Then tomorrow we’ll get up, get going and keep pushing back. That’s about all I can promise for now.
I wish this could have been a post for miracles, but maybe they’re still working their way over? Who knows? Each day is a freaking miracle, that much I know for sure.