Ever piss someone off so badly that they completely stop making eye contact with you and pull a passive aggressive routine when you attempt to interact with them? Yeah? Me too!
I’m not sure how many people in this world hold an official grudge against me, but I reckon it isn’t too many. For sure that security guy at that airport in Toronto definitely had a beef with me. That was a strange one. One second I’m going through the security check-in worrying mostly about whether my prosthesis would set off any alarms if I had to have a pat down – and debating whether it would be more worthwhile to tuck it into my carryon bag where a different security guard would see it via an x-ray and be like “she has a boob in her bag!” – when all of a sudden, I’m in front of this guard, and he says something that feels weird to me, and I say something feels rude to him, and suddenly it becomes extremely tense.
But in general, I prefer someone to feel respected and appreciate. And for sure I hate to feel like garbage in response (which means I hate getting into trouble of any kind). Okay, maybe there has been a couple times like the above, etc, when what I did was definitely not taken as I meant it to be taken – and then as a response to that, I reacted in a way that wasn’t so productive because some part of me automatically flips into ‘smart ass’ mode. (Smart-Ass Catherine has such a good time. Seriously, I kinda love that part of me, but hate the bad feelings that always follow.)
Anyhow, in today’s case, I’ve upset someone. The trouble here is that I am not exactly sure what I did that was so deep-grudge worthy. And upon my approaching this person to discuss the bizzaro tension between us today, I was quickly shut down by some hard-core denial on their side about our obvious situation.
While not being liked definitely makes me uncomfortable and is currently taking up some head space, particularly since I interact with this person quite often lately . . . it also makes me feel kind of . . . well . . . not terrible.
For instance, I don’t feel terrible for thinking they are acting like a passive-aggressive idiot.
And I don’t feel terrible for standing up for myself and not accepting their garbage.
And I definitely don’t feel terrible for what might have pissed them off originally, if that is indeed the thing that pissed them off.
AND I don’t feel terrible for now not trying to be nice, anymore.
Okay, I know that everyone has their own stories that result in the way they see and react to the world. And I know that the way a person acts toward me, or I toward them, often only minimally has to do with that actual interaction and has far more to do with deeper issues. I know all of that.
But sometimes it is really tempting to say: “fuck off and stay out of my way.” You know? I’m not saying this should be the answer to world peace. I’m just saying, it feels good – at least in my head.
I tried to open up a conversation to address the tension- but that crashed and burned. If they aren’t ready to not be angry, than I really can’t do anything about it. So here are the options: I’d rather 1) not have to be around this person as they stew in whatever they are stewing . . . however, it cannot be helped, so, therefore, I am looking forward to the day that I 2) get over their anger – so much so that it doesn’t faze me when they refuse to talk, look or work directly with me. That is called a ‘thick skin’ right? Right. It’s a skill to be learned, and I know this is really a “no big deal” situaiton so maybe it’s a good way to train my skin for thickness.
Anyhow, I am not used to being so openly disliked. This will need processing on my side, too. In some ways, I might as well be grateful for the weekly distraction of tension since tomorrow morning I get scan results, which is definitely one case where I have no trouble asserting my honest reaction to a situation:
Fuck off and die.
Sincerely, the body that doesn’t need you any more. i.e. Catherine
5 thoughts on “The Bizzaroness of Not Being Liked”
Love you always.
oh, Catherine, I have been where you are and it totally SUCKS! but you can only do what you can do to try to have peace with someone who is in denial.
I am holding you close to my heart with the BIGGEST hope ever for your scan results to be excellent. and I echo the sentiment you’ve sent to cancer – fuck off and die – sounds good to me.
we’ll be thinking of you tomorrow as you get your scan results, hoping for good news for you, hoping cancer fucks off and dies.
I’m asking cancer to shrink, shrink, and fade into nothingness.
Sending out healing thoughts and good wishes for your scans….my heart is with you today.
As for cranky people who don’t want to make nice when you reach out to them…fuck ’em. You don’t need the negativity in your life. As the man said in THE QUIET MAN with John Wayne and Maureen O’Hara (which you have to see if you haven’t), “I’m going to put your name in me book and draw a line through it.” (Imagine it in a lovely Irish lilt.)
Hugs and love