Ever piss someone off so badly that they completely stop making eye contact with you and pull a passive aggressive routine when you attempt to interact with them? Yeah? Me too!
I’m not sure how many people in this world hold an official grudge against me, but I reckon it isn’t too many. For sure that security guy at that airport in Toronto definitely had a beef with me. That was a strange one. One second I’m going through the security check-in worrying mostly about whether my prosthesis would set off any alarms if I had to have a pat down – and debating whether it would be more worthwhile to tuck it into my carryon bag where a different security guard would see it via an x-ray and be like “she has a boob in her bag!” – when all of a sudden, I’m in front of this guard, and he says something that feels weird to me, and I say something feels rude to him, and suddenly it becomes extremely tense.
But in general, I prefer someone to feel respected and appreciate. And for sure I hate to feel like garbage in response (which means I hate getting into trouble of any kind). Okay, maybe there has been a couple times like the above, etc, when what I did was definitely not taken as I meant it to be taken – and then as a response to that, I reacted in a way that wasn’t so productive because some part of me automatically flips into ‘smart ass’ mode. (Smart-Ass Catherine has such a good time. Seriously, I kinda love that part of me, but hate the bad feelings that always follow.)
Anyhow, in today’s case, I’ve upset someone. The trouble here is that I am not exactly sure what I did that was so deep-grudge worthy. And upon my approaching this person to discuss the bizzaro tension between us today, I was quickly shut down by some hard-core denial on their side about our obvious situation.
While not being liked definitely makes me uncomfortable and is currently taking up some head space, particularly since I interact with this person quite often lately . . . it also makes me feel kind of . . . well . . . not terrible.
For instance, I don’t feel terrible for thinking they are acting like a passive-aggressive idiot.
And I don’t feel terrible for standing up for myself and not accepting their garbage.
And I definitely don’t feel terrible for what might have pissed them off originally, if that is indeed the thing that pissed them off.
AND I don’t feel terrible for now not trying to be nice, anymore.
Okay, I know that everyone has their own stories that result in the way they see and react to the world. And I know that the way a person acts toward me, or I toward them, often only minimally has to do with that actual interaction and has far more to do with deeper issues. I know all of that.
But sometimes it is really tempting to say: “fuck off and stay out of my way.” You know? I’m not saying this should be the answer to world peace. I’m just saying, it feels good – at least in my head.
I tried to open up a conversation to address the tension- but that crashed and burned. If they aren’t ready to not be angry, than I really can’t do anything about it. So here are the options: I’d rather 1) not have to be around this person as they stew in whatever they are stewing . . . however, it cannot be helped, so, therefore, I am looking forward to the day that I 2) get over their anger – so much so that it doesn’t faze me when they refuse to talk, look or work directly with me. That is called a ‘thick skin’ right? Right. It’s a skill to be learned, and I know this is really a “no big deal” situaiton so maybe it’s a good way to train my skin for thickness.
Anyhow, I am not used to being so openly disliked. This will need processing on my side, too. In some ways, I might as well be grateful for the weekly distraction of tension since tomorrow morning I get scan results, which is definitely one case where I have no trouble asserting my honest reaction to a situation:
Fuck off and die.
Sincerely, the body that doesn’t need you any more. i.e. Catherine