Category Archives: Bumpboobs

Sex, Cancer, and the Things We Don’t Say

Posted in After treatment, Bumpboobs, Life despite cancer by

Okay, this is it. I’m talking about sex again. It was ages ago that I spilled the beans on contracting vaginas, so now I’m back to give you a refresher and talk about an important project. Essentially, AnneMarie over at Chemo Brain Fog is once again going into lightly treaded territory and has decided to take on sexuality. I know—you know—we know this is a hot topic with the lid on tight. Beneath that cover there is serious bubbling happening.

sex talk

I can see the discussion on the rise. There are articles in Huffpost once in a while, bloggers have pulled back the curtain occasionally, and Facing Cancer Together has got stuff in the mix too. So there is a bubbling. Geez, even Dr. Canada once mentioned the usefulness in cuddling. That is all good stuff. Let’s get that pot exploding with conversation.

I admire AnneMarie for tackling this conversation with a large-scale project. Her book idea isn’t just about sharing one experience, it’s about collecting many. So this post has two things: 1) A little bit from me, since that feels fair, and 2) A little bit from her too with more to come on her own blog, later. After reading this, hopefully you move on to 3) A little bit from yourself as you anonymously fill out the survey. There’s one for you and, if they are open, one for your partner too.

(Chances are if you’ve read this far but never had cancer, you’re thinking ‘time to click outta here’ but hey, we are talking sex and that’s engaging. Plus, stress around intimacy can impact you whether or not you have had cancer. Okay, I’m being cancer specific – but it would be so naive to imagine other women and men don’t struggle with their bodies as life happens and things change. So while the survey is for women who have had cancer and their partners, this post is also for you. Thanks for being with us.)

Now for a little bit from me (but only the really embarrassing stuff).

You might know my story of intimacy during and after chemotherapy. Sex drive evaporated, lady parts tightened to the point of impossibility. Or at least, so I thought. After a load of work, and with the return of my estrogen, things improved loads. However, my lower area was never 100% healed. (Mind you, I was the only one who noticed. Zsolt had no complaints!)

pie

A distraction for those who want to skip the ‘details’. Look here! Then go down a couple paragraphs.

BUT then I was diagnosed stage four. The depression itself was a buzz kill, and then I went on Zolodex. This is a drug that essentially stops ovulation. The lack of lady hormones has again broken my vagina. It takes a lot of work for me to feel anything except pain down there. Thankfully I’ve learned to power through the experience (This is S&M in action, people. 50 shades of ‘fuck off cancer’) so that it can also incorporate pleasure, but  sex will never be easy again. Thank God for whipped body butter!

Zsolt and I talk about this, I cry as required, and we then have very intimate experiences together. But it’s hard and I often have a sense of dread toward what was once so awesome.

That is my story and those are my issues. For others it is surgery, chemotherapy, lack of bodily control, cramps from sliced muscles, exhaustion, missing body parts, etc. The point is, this is just my story. Many of you have your own stories. Now, here is a little of AnneMarie’s. I put on my ‘blogger’ hat and interviewed her.  Before we go further, if you want, you can fill her survey right here.  The survey is anonymous.

Now here we go, AnneMarie and her project! WOOOHOO for you AnneMarie!

Catherine (i.e. me, asking her, AnneMarie): Why do you want to write a book about sex and cancer? And how do you know other women/men are struggling with this as well?

The Amazing AnneMarie.

AnneMarie: First, I wanted to see if there was any interest, would others be willing to share their stories.  I attended a support group about body image issues many months ago and the conversation immediately turned to sex.  It was all women and we ranged in age from early 20’s up to age 70.  The room was packed; the conversation was lively and eye-opening.  I realized others are struggling with so many aspects of their sexuality.

It seems the topic is barely discussed.  I don’t want to write a self-help book based solely upon my own experiences.   Compiling stories from many different women is what I believe will make the book helpful to the widest audience.  Women who are single and dating obviously have different concerns than women who married or in committed relationships.

Catherine: Who are you working with for the book (there’s a doctor, right?)

AnneMarie: I’m working with a medical oncologist whose practice includes addressing sexual issues.  The doctor has chosen to remain in the background for now since the collection of the stories and having a true picture of what patients are feeling is crucial.  Interestingly, when the first narratives where shared, I discussed some of what I was reading with the doctor.  Some of the issues being shared were things that were never brought up by patients during their visits with the doctor.  Knowing that made me more determined.  This book may provide insight to our doctors and help them to ask the questions we may be too embarrassed to mention.  The doctors aren’t mind readers.  If we aren’t telling them everything, how can they even attempt to offer us solutions.

 Catherine: Can you share what’s in this survey, and why it matters?

AnneMarie: The survey is short.  All questions are optional.  I ask for age, relationship status, type(s) of surgery, ongoing treatment with tamoxifen or any other “maintenance” medications, disease stage, geographical location.  Those responses help put the remainder of the information into perspective.  For example, if someone lives in a very rural area, I would expect they may not have access to a large number of doctors so they may not have an opportunity to speak to a doctor who is well versed in issues surrounding intimacy or sex.  The most important part of the survey is a personal narrative.  I didn’t want to ask specific questions about sex.  I hope people will share their fears, their feelings or even specific stories that may be helpful for others to hear.

Catherine: There’s a survey specifically for caregivers. What are you hoping to learn from them?

AnneMarie: I am seeking information from caregivers or partners of patients because I think some of our hang-ups are insignificant to our partners.  What I mean is that we may be overwhelmed at the thought of someone seeing our altered bodies and for our partners, they aren’t looking at the scars.  I hope hearing from some of them may help us past our insecurities.  Hearing from partners is a means of breaking down a communication barrier that may exist in many relationships.

Catherine: Is there any personal story you’d feel comfortable sharing around this area?

AnneMarie: I am very insecure about my appearance since my breasts were removed.  Clothed, I’m fine.  I still change with my back to my husband.  My surgery was never an issue to him.  He did everything to assure me I was more than my breasts.

Many months ago, we had serious marital issues that resulted in a separation.  Shortly after the separation, I had to undergo a complete hysterectomy.  The combination of losing all of the rest of my female parts and being separated was one of the lowest points of my life.  This is not something I’ve ever really discussed on my own blog.  We are trying to work things out but it’s been difficult.  The thought of dating and possibly becoming intimate with a man terrified me.  How would I tell a potential partner that I have missing body parts?  Would I expose my chest to anyone or would I insist on remaining partially clothed?  Is there appropriate lingerie?

Having been married for so many years and then, being thrust into the world of dating, it was easier to avoid all of it.  The fact that I was in that situation and instead, just spent time with my female friends, made me realize I sex was becoming an insurmountable problem.  I have an excellent therapist and we discussed this issue so many times.  Intellectually, I know it wouldn’t matter with the right person, but I never got past that fear.  My marriage is still very much in the earliest stages of repair so this is an issue that I may have to face one day and frankly, it terrifies me.

*

Interview over, Thanks AnneMarie!

Now it’s your turn: If you’ve read this far, I reckon you care. So, share your experiences and let’s help one another. Again, you can find the survey, “Share Those Moments” here,  and if you are a partner, you can go over here to fill out your version.

It’s emotional, but it’s also so good to let these things go. There are way more stories that I’ve heard from others that could be shared here, but wouldn’t it be better to tell your story for  yourself?

Good luck. And thank you.

Catherine

The most charming thing you’ll watch today

Posted in Bumpboobs, Fun, Life, Life despite cancer, Love, Novels and Stories, Travel, Writing by

(i.e. a random and wandering post)

Hello 🙂

Life back in Canada has been one hop to the next. I’ll be perfectly honest, coming home was not easy. It was H-A-R-D. Coming home doesn’t just mean seeing family, getting on with the book promotion and cups of tea with friends. It means hospital appointments, Zoladex shots, test results, CT scans, etc.

So while I got on the plane, it was not without great trepidation. To be honest, I’d sometimes prefer to run away from this mess. It’s such a challenge to face my health again. But unless I really do decide to run away, this is the time for one foot before the other. No joke, I cry and cry to let it all go. (Just before leaving we had lunch at Zsolt’s parent’s house. I couldn’t take it, my mind was flashing with hospitals and dread, so I went upstairs to cry myself satisfied in the bathroom. Little did I know they were crying downstairs as well about us leaving Hungary. So, everyone was crying. But I think that’s a good thing, because these are our emotions and they deserve to be honoured. Saying goodbye at the airport was easier because of this experience. )

Anyhow, I cry and then I stop crying. Instead I tidy the apartment, get rolling with my book and other writing (seriously, writing and creative projects are my JOY), and will eventually unpack the suitcase. Just now I wrote my newsletter, which was interesting. It was like a blog post, almost – except with more links. Hmm, I still need to finish a short story for that. . .

Oh my goodness, another good thing: I’ve made a schedule for myself. With the freelancing work, the book, a new part-time job,  cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, plus vitmain C treatments and hospital appointments … there is a lot to juggle. Strict scheduling is my tool for sanity. I’m sure this juggling act is much easier than many other people’s busy lives.

But I disgress from the purpose of this post!

A friend was kind enough to send me some beautiful music. I mean, this is beautiful. It’s candy for the ears, as she put it. And it is – except there’s no actual sugar and I’m certain it’ll fill your body up with happy hormones.

Listen, smile, and listen again.

Talk to you later,

Catherine

The FLASH

Posted in Bumpboobs, Life, Life despite cancer, Love, self growth by

I just thought to myself, “I should follow the Pollyanna Plan’s example and write one blog post every day for an entire year.” Then I had this flash where I imagined not being able to finish it because I’d died… So it scares me of course that this is the first reaction. The reaction of death. Man, it scares me.

But now, writing that first line of this post onto my wordpress document and thinking about it for a minute… now I’ve just thought to myself, “where did that original thought – that positive thought – come from in the first place? Where did that idea to live for a year spring up from?” And I’ve never really asked that question before. But, thinking about it now, it feels like there are two parts of me, except the only part I’ve been noticing and taking seriously is the one offering flashes of fear.

Weird confession: Whenever I see a knife in someone’s hand, I have a flash of them stabbing me. And whenever I have a knife in my hand, and someone passes by, I get this flash of myself stabbing them. That’s mostly why I’m a little scared of knives. It’s the same things for guns. I get these flashes of people shooting me. Weird.

My point is, these are the flashes that get my attention. The ones based on fear.

But there are other flashes, and I am realizing right now as I write this post that they need to be nurtured more. I have flashes where I can see myself teaching my own child a ‘life lesson’. I have flashes of living in a cottage in Balaton. I have flashes (dreams) that my book becomes a bestseller.

Just a moment ago, I had a flash to write 365 blog posts in a row, across one whole year. That suggests that some part of me – a strong part of me, since it comes to my mind FIRST – feels the capability of living at least 365 days more.

Each day I live with the fear flashes. They tell me I am going to die too soon. They make me afraid that I’ll be leaving my husband and family far too early. Part of me has been afraid to admit this in the blog, because what if this is me knowing what will actually happen? What if this is me knowing my fate, and not yet accepting it?

But then, if one part of me has that fear, another part of me does in fact have hope – otherwise I’d never be capable of dreaming.

So now I have this challenge, and it is to nurture the ideas that comes first, my ability to hope and to imagine. I want to feed that part of my mind, and help it learn to follow through. Fear will get me nowhere, hope can take me anywhere.

And I’ve literally just realized that that hopeful side of me exists. Like, right here as I wrote down the experience to simply get it out of my head… and it’s turned into this realization. There are many parts of me, not only the part who is afraid all of the time. I want to learn about Catherine Who Hopes. She has some good ideas. I reckon she should be introduced to Catherine Who Acts. And we don’t need to invite that other fearful Catherine along to the party.

Anyhow, this is what I’m thinking about, and I think it makes sense. Why haven’t I noticed my positive side before when it comes to life, and when it comes to cancer? Well, because I was scared of all this fear that has been running through me. But at least I am noticing it now. At least I realize it is there. That is power in itself. And it’s also a really good starting point for change.

P.S. I will not be writing 365 posts, because I think it’s better to just not. This isn’t about fear, this is about me not wanting to blog that much! Better to be focusing on that bestseller goal 😉