Category Archives: Life

Welcome to the new blog!

Posted in Bumpboobs, Life by

Maybe you feel this sometimes, that the internet is real and yet not totally real? The people are real, our issues and experiences are real  . . . but we set up hashtag tribes, have our circle of friends, build our website homes and play in environments like Facebook, Instagram, the news pages, twitter, and it all kinda reminds me of a RPG game. There is a sense of constructed control here online, even when life keeps throwing curve balls, and yet, there is a sense of helplessness as I read the highs and lows of others sharing on the internet. Like the real world, life changes here too.

All of this to say, it’s time for another redesign on the blog, as you might have noticed.

Untitled

For one thing, most of the links are related to my writing rather than cancer. That doesn’t mean Bumpyboobs is all about the business. If it was, it sure wouldn’t feel real, and wouldn’t still be called Bumpyboobs. This blog has been a dear friend of mine during rather hard times, and those of you who read the posts have become part of that friendship. The truth is, I still need Bumpyboobs. She is there for me to talk about the highs and lows, and all the bizarre in-betweens. I prayed never to be a blogger who writes about stage four cancer from experience, but here I am.

Here I am – and yet, Bumpyboobs is so much more than that. This blog has chronicled my longing for that allusive sense of home. It’s traveled with Zsolt and I country to country. It was there for my wedding anniversaries. Together this blog and I have grown to reflect all the changes – good, bad, hard, fun . . . It was here for Zsolt’s PhD, the arrival of his residence visa, for my random story writing, the loss of my grandmother, the moving into our own place, and for the launch of my novel along with the Kickstarter campaign.

This blog is an ever-changing reflection of life, and I can dress it up however I please, which feels really good when life is a constant limbo game.

If you read this blog, than you know I love to write. The truth is, writing saved me when I was diagnosed, and taking that writing even further has saved me again when I learned about stage four. Instead of retracting away from obligations – I was compelled to run head first into them. It is totally exhausting, sometimes overwhelming, highly emotional, and occasionally plain stupid. However, ,there is a strong part of me that wants to live hard by writing more stories, raising funds, publishing books, loving design, getting creative, thinking of promotion, cheering on others, honouring amazing women, meeting more people, and continually reaching for the golden ring on the never-ending merry-go-round of life.

I’ve grabbed it before; I want to grab it again, and again, and again.

Cancer is on my mind every day. But it doesn’t own my passions or ambitions. It throws me toward the edge of depression. And in response I retreat into this creative space – telling more stories, writing silly nothings, thinking up plans that are bigger than I can tackle all at once. Sometimes I panic that I’ve done nothing with my life. Other times I remember that the ability to create and to care are valuable things.

I want Bumpyboobs to be part of “Catherine the Writer/Novelist” because these are real and present identities. It has been healing for me to be ambitious, even if it’s also terrifying along with exhausting. But this is a magical place (as I’m sure you know if you have your own blog, diary, journal, etc.) When I want something, I bring it to the blog (like The Adventures of Claire Never-Ending) to help it become real.

So what if this space is virtual – a home I’ve programmed that cannot be shown-off in the real world? So what? (I ask to myself, challenging my own insecurities). This is a fertile ground for ideas to grow. It’s a special thing, at least to me.

(By the by, what do you think about our lives here online? Do you see any difference between this and the more tangible world? Is this more or less powerful, or just different?)

Therefore, all that emotional preamble to say this: Welcome to the redesign of Bumpyboobs! It’s an accompaniment page to my website www.CatherineBrunelle.com, which is currently in redevelopment as well, to pull together the different hats I wear in my work and online. I’ll let you know when that is done.

Also to come, a change in my twitter name. Eep!! That’s a really hard one, but it needs to be done. I love Bumpyboobs, but this lady is much more than Bumpyboobs. Mind you, it’s damn hard to find a handle involving @Catherine___ that hasn’t already been taken!

Anyhow, it’s Saturday night! Enjoy yourselves! See you online 🙂

A Love Between Two Aliens

Posted in Fun, Life, Love, Travel, Uncategorized by

Last night Zsolt and I were laying in bed and talking. This is what we do, and I reckon it’s what many couples do. I was asking him if he thought we’ve always known one another and could sense each other out across the world before we even met.

He figured that was unlikely. Though he did think it was a miracle we met at all, and quite a remarkable thing if you consider the infinite number of aspects that had to line up for us to meet in that hostel in Nice, and at that time in our lives. The odds are basically even higher than winning the lottery.

I said true enough. It was a miracle that we met, and that we’re together. And I also said that I reckon we did know each other in some sense, even if it wasn’t a past life. Right from the start our energies synced up and I knew he was for me.

He said that maybe we were synced somehow.

You and MeAnd then I came up with the idea that maybe we’re just aliens passing through, and we’re travelling together across the universe – since we enjoy travelling so much – and living a variety of lives and existences as we get to know a place.

He said if that was the case, then we better enjoy our time on earth since we’ll not be stopping here again.

I agreed. I love earth, but if the universe is on offer, how can a alien/person/soul not want to go out there and explore it?

I asked him where he wants to visit next.

He said he didn’t know, but it will be good.

It will be good, I agreed.

Then we talked about Earth, because we’re here now and enjoying ourselves. The people are nice and the scenery is beautiful. Except, of course, not everyone is nice and not everything is beautiful. Certainly not everything is easy. But we like it anyhow. It’s a miracle that it exists, just like it’s a miracle that we are together. And I kinda enjoyed thinking of myself as an alien who is living in a body and passing through.

So, even if he might not believe in past lives, and I might not believe in coincidences, we both certainly believe in miracles. And aliens.

Every day with my husband is a miracle. I couldn’t get more lucky than having him as a companion for travelling the universe, and for talking in bed late at night. So, that is that and I’m very glad for it.

To Zsolt on Valentine’s Day: I love you. : ) Obviously!

Lean In? Sometimes I’d rather Lean Away.

Posted in After treatment, Bumpboobs, Life, Life despite cancer, Writing by

So, I have an on-again, off-again book club, and one of the books we recently discussed was Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg. She is the woman in that popular TED talk, which exploded into a book/movement to ‘lean in’.

lean in

The book is for women in the workplace. Or rather, it’s for women who want to excel/climb the ranks in the workplace. She is essentially looking at why we don’t have more women leaders, and a LOT of that reason, according to Sandberg’s discussion, is about children/family.

That is to say, women anticipate having children, and so they back away from work. There are other aspects, but this point is one that interests me the most. Essentially, she suggests that even before meeting the loves of their lives, women are already planning their exit strategy for motherhood. And therefore, they are less ambitious in their jobs.

Okay, I can get that. In fact, I’ve seen that actually happen.

Now why am I talking about this today? Because I’m curious about leaning in from the perspective of cancer.

Sandberg argues women should lean in so that if they do have kids, when they return from their mat leave they will be in a good position. Focusing on advancing your career is worth it for the places it will take you, and because when you come back  to work you’ll be at a higher level.So, say instead of babies you have a possibly shorter life span on your mind. Are there similarities here? Should we ‘lean in’ and create a legacy of some kind? Does that kind of stuff even matter? Why bother leaning in if the clock is officially ticking? Is the assumption of illness, change, or even death reason enough to not go for a promotion or try to rise up in a company? Better yet, those diagnosed with stage four cancer – are we more likely to lean away?

Maybe it’s a matter of time. But that’s the one massive question that cannot be answered. It could be a year, it could be twenty years, it could be . . .  well, who the heck knows?

I’ve met one woman who choose to lean away. She was counting down the days till retirement and was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. Instead of retiring, she went on disability as she slid into depression. Somehow, to her, being on disability rather than being retired seems to equate to missing the golden ring. But then, I reckon the depression contributes to that perspective.  She is emotionally disconnected from joy, and that is really crap.

There are other women – younger ladies in the thick of motherhood, diagnosed with stage four and choosing to stay home. They’d rather spend time with their kids, and who is going to argue against that? That makes all kinds of sense to me. They are leaning into what matters most to them.

And then there is me. To lean in or lean away? This past autumn had me leaning in to get the book done and out. It was a very good decision, and what an experience. Also, I worked during that time too, even right after diagnosis when life was nothing but brick walls. Though to be honest, while we build Zsolt’s business I don’t have a choice whether or not to work. I must work. We need to eat and pay rent 🙂 Retirement isn’t an option. Heck, I’m only 31! There is nothing to retire.

But even if I’m working, should I be leaning in? Should I try to grow my career or be content as it is? Is it fair to my employers if I apply & get accepted for a higher position? What if I get sick again, and their investment comes to nothing? Is it selfish to lean in? Do I even want to lean in?

With my book it is different. I like to lean in because it’s just me. Either I sell or I don’t sell. Either I create or I don’t create. No one else is impacted. But even with writing . . . well, there are these scans every few months . . . there is that constant limbo. Life itself is an emotional stop and go.

There’s a point in here somewhere . Actually, no, there isn’t a point. There is a question: Do you lean in, and what does that even mean to you after being diagnosed (or someone you love being diagnosed) with cancer? And if someone told you time was limited, would your career even remain a focus?

What do you think? Leaning in post-cancer, leaning in at stage four . . .

I lean into what I love, that’s for sure. But as for the other stuff, I don’t know. I found myself not committing and using “I had cancer, so I don’t’ want to waste my time on crap that doesn’t matter” as an explanation for that – whether or not it is a good explanation. Honestly, I’d rather write short stories that make people smile. I’d rather capture someone’s story and help them feel special. I’d rather tweet and talk and doodle and create. I’d rather feel my heart get filled up with a job very well done. And most of all, I’d rather weave stories, even if it’s not catapulting me to the top of an organization, or even a bestseller list, it’s what I prefer to do. Now with the stage four, I feel that way even more.

Though as I said, I still need to pay my bills 🙂 And really, my dreams are much bigger than just paying bills. I want to buy property and travel and live well and realize some huge ideas that must involve success. So, despite stage four, and not knowing what the next scan will bring, I actually do want to lean in. I want to lean in on my terms and with what I love.

So that’s a little from me. Now it’s your turn:

Lean in . . . what does that mean after fighting for your life? I’d love to know.