Category Archives: Novels and Stories

Am I not paying enough attention to cancer?

Posted in advanced cancer, Bumpboobs, Canada, Finding Home, letting go, Life, Love, Novels and Stories, Writing by

Okay, so yesterday I spent my entire Friday in front of the computer webcam making a video. It was a heck of a lot of work for something that is totally basic – but there was the editing, the lack of a script (my dad taught me in elementary school to never public speak using a written script . . . so instead we’d write points and I’d talk around those ideas . . . and then in high school during my debating club days, it was the same situation. So yesterday, I figured I’d ‘go natural’ and just talk. Four hours later . . .), and then of course the editing of my rambles. But it was SO worth it. The final result is open and honest, even if not fancy. I reckon open and honest come first when asking people to fund your project.

Okay, so the reality is that in preparing for this kickstarter campaign, even though I’m a wee bit overwhelmed with its growing requirement of commitments and work, it’s freaking FUN.

I’m having fun.

And it was realizing that last week that scared the crap outta me.

During an interview with a fabulous local blog, Apt613, on the kickstarter book project, I was asked about how I could jump into such a big project with the news I’d just received? You know, where do I find the energy? And my only answer for that was that this is my energy because it’s my joy. I’m also kinda worried about what happens next once this goal is realized (with your help!). Where does that energy go?

And then the other day a neighbour said to my mom that she’d “heard your daughter isn’t doing well.” Which is fine, and so understandable. Except that I am doing well. For someone in my situation, I’m able to walk, there’s been no chemo as of yet, I have my hair, my energy is good, I can breathe . . . I am doing very well.

Screenshot!

Screenshot!

But having had these questions, they must have lingered in the back of my mind or something, because the other day I had a big pause moment where a feeling of panic suddenly overcame me:

  • Am I in denial?
  • Am I not thinking about the cancer often enough?
  • Is it going to blindside me again, because I’m not paying enough attention?
  • How often should this be on my mind, should I be scared? Like, right now and today, should I have fear?

Because when I work on my book publishing goal, those feelings . . . that fear . . . it kinda just turns off. Is it a good thing? Or am I being naive?

Last week I had a coaching session with this lovely lady named Camille Boivin. She’s from Ottawa and I work with her for her company Sister Leadership. Anyhow, Cam is full of generosity and a desire to help people connect with their emotions and ambitions. And when the cancer came back, we started working together not as client and writer, but as coach and person-who-needs-some-emotional-work-done. (That’s me.)

So last week in our session I was talking about this anger I’d been feeling. And somehow that discussion of anger turned toward a discussion of sadness. Because along with that anger, I was feeling deeply sad (and still do sometimes, like when I realized last week I wasn’t feeling shitty enough). So we honed in on that sadness. Cam asked me to look back over my life when I’ve felt similar feelings of sadness.

*In this case of metastatic cancer, I’d say the sadness isn’t just about the disease, but more so about potentially leaving my husband behind and hurting my family and friends. The idea is completely crushing.

So I began thinking back in time when I’d felt feelings of loss and sadness. School graduations. Ends of summers working abroad. Moving to a new country. Saying goodbye at airport. Leaving a beloved workplace. Losing my golden retriever . . .

And then Cam asked me this: “If you could go back with what you know now, what would you tell yourself in those moments of sadness?”

And I said to her, “that even though it hurt, good things were coming . . . and love doesn’t stop just because you are separated. The love keeps on going.”

Because from school graduations came new schools, clubs and friends (and I just attended the wedding of my first friend ever – we may not be together always, but the love stays); end of the summer working abroad brought me back home where I found a bookstore job and made more friends there (though I’ll always love the Jasper Kids from 2002);  In moving to a new country I left my family and best friend, but learned oh so much about being independent and made such incredible friendships with people who I still carry in my heart even after returning to Canada; saying goodbye at the airport always means I get to say hello to someone on the other end; leaving my work gave time and space for me to become a writer; and losing my dog – well, that still hurts but the love doesn’t fade. Not one bit.

So I guess if I could go back to those moments when I felt that sadness, I would just tell myself that I’m not leaving the love and by moving forward more good things are going to happen.

Since that conversation I’ve felt a lot less angry, a lot less sad. I’ve been to doctor appointments, blood draws, chemo wards, searching for clinical studies, urine samples, meds from the pharmacy, acupuncture . . . but I’m not grieving the Catherine of four months ago who was almost certain she was cancer-free.

Today I am here, and I’d rather run forward toward whatever good can be created. This kickstarter is part of that. Being proactive in my health is part of that. Not being sad has been a result of those reflections.

Is it normal? Will it stay forever? Is it denial? Is it really because I haven’t met with Dr. Canada? I just don’t know.

How often should I think of the cancer, and will it do me any good? Again, I just don’t know.

It’s so strange to wonder if I’m not fearful enough. I also realize I’m new to metastatic cancer, and therefore incredibly naive to its realities. Is there a right way to cope? I would actually really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences with this fear vs. life thing – is there any use in holding fear close? I’ve been happier this past week than I’ve been for a while, and that is quite precious in these times.

Anyhow. That’s all I have to say about that.  Now, back to work!

~Catherine

P.S.

To not overwhelm you with blog posts, I’m going to slip in the second excerpt from The Adventures of Claire Never-Ending. Meet Elizabeth (Amelia’s mother) and read her story here! If you want to sign up for an email notification when the project launches, you can do so here.

liz

Happy Bunny vs. Angry Bunny

Posted in Bumpboobs, Life, Novels and Stories, Writing by

Today is Sunday, and it’s a really beautiful day outside. We have lovely Sunday plans: farmer’s market in the morning, brunch with the family and then a friend is getting married – I’m entirely honoured to be invited to attend her incredible event. (While also thinking of another friend out west who was recently married, and wishing I could have been there.)

bunny

The past week has been hectic, with appointments flying out of the unicorn’s butt in magical rainbow bursts. Sorry, that’s weird, I saw a picture the other day and it made me laugh. But really, that’s just weird.

It’s been busy. I’m trying to implement some kind of push-back routine into my life, that involves things like mistletoe injections, coffee colonics, juicing, fresh garlic, Vitamin C IV treatments (more on that later), visiting naturopaths, going to acupuncture clinics, trying to connect with a social worker, and maybe even moving from my most loved apartment since the neighbour downstairs is a chain-smoker who won’t be stopping anytime soon.

So, we’re pushing.

One thing is different in me, so I’m going to talk about it now. I have been getting very angry. First I was(still kinda am) a little angry with Dr. Canada for his bleak perspective of this situation. Then I became very angry with my downstairs neighbour who won’t take his smoking outside. And then, I became angry with my upstairs neighbour who kept us up all night with moving and other loud activities. And then, I became angry on a friend’s behalf over something someone said, which I think no one else even noticed or would have cared about.

It’s not like I’m taking my anger out on these people. But Zsolt gets an earful.

And it’s not like I’m walking around angry every second, because there are awesome things happening too . It’s just that I get ANGRY quickly. My fuse has been cut very short. I suppose my ability to recover still remains, but it’s hard to shake off this deep bubbling anger – it’s like a lava that wants to explode and keeps looking for avenues of eruption. I’m not really sure where to direct the energy. Can I tell-off an innocent stranger, neighbour or doctor just because I’m a walking time-bomb of emotion? No.

So where does it go? I literally have no idea. Ideas are welcome.

But in the meanwhile some good things are happening too. The other day I wore an awesome outfit that included a green shirt, black skirt and a bright orange belt. I felt so very pretty, and that was a good help because it was also the day I went for the diagnosis. But even amongst that crap, I am pleased with that lovely outfit. (So you can see now how often I dress up:. not enough!)

Last night was a lantern festival here. It’s amazing to walk through the darkness and let your eyes settle onto these randomly glowing lanterns and light sculptures. I felt outside of myself and lost in that night-feeling. It’s a wonderful thing.

Blogging will be taking another step forward in this beloved neighbourhood, Vanier, where I live, and I’m so excited to be involved! More on that later.

And then just this morning my friend Ian Kirkpatrick said he’ll work on my book cover! I’m absolutely thrilled. We met Ian and his gorgeous/brilliant wife back when we first moved to England. Since then his art has seemed to explode in all kinds of cool directions. It’s wonderful to see your friends succeed.

Oh, and tomorrow I’ll be meeting with a very well established erotic romance author and friend to talk ebooks. Exciting!!!

I’ve started an email list for anyone who wants to be notified when my crowd funding goes live in September. Seeing the names pile up on that list makes me realize that this is real, and that is awesome. I want this to be REAL. If you want to read about the book, you can do so here (I’ll soon be posting excerpts). If you want to sign up for an email once we get rolling with the campaign, you can do that here too!

And now: Time for a farmer’s market!!

A Game of Association

Posted in Blogging and Other Fun, Fun, Life, Novels and Stories, Writing by

So what’s new? What’s what? What’s up?

Life has been comprised of little events over these past couple weeks. Little things and little events. The other night before falling asleep I was laying in bed with my husband, Zsolt, and I think we were right on the cusp of dreamland. Something happened, and I cannot remember what it was. Maybe we turned over at the same time, or sighed at the same time, or patted one another’s back or belly. All I can remember is thinking, ‘I have to write about this, it would make a lovely post.’

🙂

So lovely, and apparently, so forgettable. Taken away by sleep.

Little things have been happening. There was a wasp nest on the back porch; Zsolt an I constructed a plan to knock the thing down with an Ikea curtain rod. We were going to wait until dusk, when the bees were also sleepy, then he was going to poke the nest, drops the curtain rod, and run into the apartment (not a far run, it’s about 1 foot to the screen door). To be honest, I was looking forward to the adventure, but then the handyman who is working on the apartment came by and did it before we could tackle the situation. That’s probably for the best, but I feel just a little like the story has been stolen away.  So again, a lost opportunity for narrative fun.

But speaking of the back porch, since you’ve now read to the fifth paragraph in this blog post, I’ve got myself a little herb garden growing out there. Two basil plants, two mint plants, one lavender plant, one Thai basil plant, one Italian parsley and one clump of chives cut from the garden at my parent’s house. They are all planted in a box (which is very important for non-dying reasons you’ll read below) that I’ve arranged, and received daylight on and off as the sun arches across the sky.

So the other day, speaking of gardening, we received a letter in the mail from the city of Ottawa. This letter advised us not to grow carrots, or really anything edible in the ground. Why? Because the land on which we are now living used to be a garbage dump and the food could poison us! And down the street, on this very same road, there is a house that was put up for sale at an ambitious price tag of $400,000. Can you imagine anyone paying $400,000 to live on an old garbage dump where you can’t even grow carrots? But the house, much like my apartment, is beautiful.

In continuation of my publishing quest, I attended an event put on by the local Ottawa Romance Writers’ Association. These ladies know their stuff. The most interesting aspect of the talk revolved around self-publishing. It seems to me that with all the stuff I’ve already written, why the heck not find it some professionally designed covers and list them on Amazon as ebooks? They’ll be sitting there doing the exact same thing they are doing now on my hard drive . . . and I actually really like the stories. My mom always says I ought to write my stories like I write my blog, which is an opinion that makes sense – though nevertheless I do love my third person woman-in-flux narratives. : )

Last night I was at a good friend’s house for dinner. We ate BBQ beer-can chicken and spicy pork with grilled veggies (and wine, but I don’t really drink wine). It was entirely delicious. Anyhow, as the evening went on and no one left the table – which Zsolt calls, “preserving the harmony of the table” – the conversation somehow rolled around to water, or more specifically ponds and lakes.

Did you know that people (myself included) are entirely weird about water? Now you’d think that ducks, and fish, and otters, and turtles would be the ones who are freaked out by bodies of water – because statistically I think they have a wayyyyyy higher chance of being eaten while swimming than humans. But nevertheless, as we (the dinner party) chatted about water, it was soon revealed that we all have strange hydrophobic thought patterns.

I blame my father. That’s you, Tony. When I was a kid, he had me watch the movie JAWS because it was apparently the best movie of all time and everyone – even children – should check it out. : ) To this day, I have to fight back the image of a shark being in the pool with me every time I go swimming. And then extend that to lakes and oceans. It hasn’t stopped me from swimming in the Mediterranean, and canoeing in the lake, and doing laps in a pool . . . but it’s there in my mind nevertheless, and it makes me uncomfortable.

Another fellow said that he associates lady ghosts hanging above the water. And then another fellow said he always wonders how many dead bodies are in cement boots at the bottom. Eugh!

Zsolt, as usual, was not weird. He doesn’t have any qualms with water, lakes, oceans or ponds.

And since I’m now at the end of this post, several paragraphs later, I will ask you: does water freak you out? And if so, what exactly about water freaks you out? I’m guessing at least a few people have stories to share. It cannot be a coincidence that three out of four people at that dinner table have weird associations.

What’s your weird association?

P.S.

OH! Another bizarre association concept. One fellow asked the table, what do you think about when I say “best of both worlds?” Here are the answers:

The Star Trek Episode where Picard becomes Borg

Being a King and eating loads of cake

Having the best from a variety of options

Pulling from Europe and the United States

Fascinating or FASCINATING? What do you think of with the expression?