Rethink being alone

Posted in After treatment, Bumpboobs, Fun, Life, Treatment, Writing by

I’m writing to you from the Royal York in Toronto, seventh floor and on a queen sized bed, sitting on top of the white duvet (as I sip on my dark tea and hope not to spill). This is all thanks to FacingCancer.ca and the Mirror Ball (Twitter Ball it here) that’s happening this weekend – tonight, actually, and I’m really excited to attend this fantastic gala and report back with all the details. But since I had a covered trip to Toronto, I decided to couple this fantastic event with another, and that’s Rethink’s Breast Quest Film Festival.  This past mornng and last night (I was up way past bedtime) I’ve been attending Rethink events,  and let me say this: it was refreshing.

So, last night I attended a screening of a film that features ladies from the SCAR project, a powerful photography exhibit that shows young women and their scars after having had mastectomy, bilateral, reconstruction, etc. This film goes behind the photographs and actually taps into the story of several of those women. It’s freaking touching. There were four of us sitting there in the theater (plus Zsolt) who had had breast cancer, and we were all tearing up as again and again issues were discussed that had impacted us all.

And after the film, there was schmoozing. Zsolt put on his new ‘brave guy who networks’ hat and dragged me over to meet the photographer and a couple from the film, all of whom were attending the festival. That was quite something to hear their visions and listen to where they think the SCAR project might go next. (Maybe Ottawa? Though when I asked the photographer, “so will you bring the exhibit to Canada?” he turned it on me and said, “The question is, will you bring the exhibit to Canada?” Oh my goodness. I have never even considered the possibility. But this is an extremely powerful show . . . it might actually be an amazing experience to organize its debut in Ottawa. But anyhow, that’s an aside.)

Oh, this tea is really strong. I made it in the coffee machine, and it tastes like English Breakfast with heavy traces of coffee.

So there was the networking part of the evening, which was cool. But you know what was even better? The meeting of women. All these women, in one place, and all having been diagnosed with breast cancer. This early afternoon I attended a Lunchen (which involved an amazing quinoe & kale salad) and met girls like Joanne, and Ashley and Rebecca, and Terri and Katie, and Cat and this other woman who was really cool and chill, but had a name I cannot remember. All these women have been where I’ve been – we’ve all been the youngest in the treatment room, and we’ve all been sideswiped so unexpectedly while trying to forge a life – normally I can’t connect with these people unless I’m online. It was so, so, so nice – so very nice to meet them in person and share a laugh and a cry.

Next year Rethink will have another Breast Quest Film Festival – and will I attend? Absolutly. How could I not? This young and fresh not-for-profit has such a innovative and targeted approach (true it isn’t for everyone, particularly those who dislike the use of ‘boobie’ with ‘breast cancer’), I can’t help but feel excited every time I hear about their organization. And after this weekend, I’m 100% sold on the power of coming together  to live, laugh and learn.

SO that was today and yesterday. Whether or not I actually post this depends on internet access and whether I can motivate myself down over to Starbucks where the wifi is free, but the green tea isn’t. Last night Zsolt and I stayed in a hostel and had free wifi. Tonight we’re in the Royal York and it costs about 15 bucks a night. WTF.

However, this duvet is incredibly cosy, and I love the wall paper. Really, it is luxurious and gets me quite excited for tonight’s gala. But come people, 21st century. FREE WIFI, already!

PS. Everyone in Toronto seems to be around my age – at least in this Starbucks. . . yes, I’ve now gotten out of the hotel room and am having a green tea at Starbucks. Funny how time flies when you’re reading a blog post, you probably didn’t even notice that I got up, got dressed (more dressed) and walked outside and into the coffeeshop. But I did, all while writing this post.

Tamoxifen and Recending Hair

Posted in After treatment, Bumpboobs, Treatment by

So yesterday I stepped out of the shower and my hair was slicked back (I like to imagine I’m that girl in the waterfall and lush greenery and my hair is down to my butt) and catch a glimpse of my face in the steamy mirror.

I just about gagged.

My hairline has a startling V-shaped quality.  It’s not actually noticeable when dry and styled (though I did think to myself the other day that there were some rather empty patches). But when wet and slicked back – it’s startling. Geez Louise!! What, am I going bald?

“You’re not going bald.” My mom tells me, “but your hair is thin there.”

Thinning in my opinion, because I think it wasn’t always like this.

“Your horomoes are going a little crazy,” she continues, “and it’s normal for women’s hair to thin when that happens.”

As part of my post-treatment life I’m taking a drug called Tamoxifen. It’s blocks estrogen receptors, so all my lady hormones are in a mess – which may explain why my hair is fading on the edges like a man’s. Augh! But at least (and I’m very thankful) I don’t have any other side effects of Tamoxifen, cause it can be way worse than just a little hair loss.

Anyhow, you can’t notice when it’s dry. And I’m still growing it out, so maybe those places will eventually decide to stop messing about and grow in too. Who knows? All I think is that in 2 to 5 years, I’ll be off this Tamoxifen and remembering what it’s like to be estrogen receptive (and totally cancer free).

For now I need to place fighting cancer above thick hair. But nevertheless it was a surprise.

Anyhow – despite my slow-to-grow hair great things are happening. Tonight I’m going to a LookGoodFeelBetter, this weekend is the Mirror Ball, and I’ve also got a pass to the Breast Quest Film Festival.

Awesome, or awesome? Totally awesome.