Trying to relax

I’ve made it to the weekend. Next Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I have a bone scan, CT scan and consultation (I may be given a surgery date). I’m trying for a dentist appointment next Thursday, and the Friday following is another acupuncture appointment.

So thank goodness for the for the weekend.  No hospital, no work, no tests. Nothing. Just my husband and I goofing around on a lazy Saturday morning.

This week has been overwhelming. Even Postie Chris noticed that I’m off. This morning he asked me, “Are you well, Catherine?” as I opened the door in my bathrobe. But in England they often ask are you all right? , and I never know whether they are serious or just saying hello. Am I all right? Do I look ill?

Anyhow, I told him I was mostly fine because talking about breast cancer at 8 am was not the start I wanted. Mind you, he was delivering a packet of breast cancer information from the BCC and an order from Amazon for Chicken Soup for the Breast Cancer Survivor’s Soul, so I guess the topic was unavoidable.

It feels as though many hands are reaching out and wanting to pat my back. Which is fantastic and supportive, but also a little tiring. Never in my life have I been good with receiving attention. And though a part of me craves that spotlight (to be a focus in something exciting and great), I generally run as soon as the stage becomes too warm. One way or another I find myself back and safe in my quiet life.

But the support is good, very good. I don’t feel so alone and that encouragement is strengthening. Though when it comes to advice it does get a little difficult.

Obviously trying all possible therapies is my best shot at beating cancer. But I can’t do everything to please everyone – and when it comes to that, it’s quite crushing to let people down. Crushing and frustrating and even angering. That look of disappointment is a difficult thing with which to cope.  And to know what people like my husband and parents are feeling inside is even worse – I can literally see the look on my mother’s face when I think of her worried. Which, by the by, is probably why it took me so long to tell them. Zsolt I couldn’t help telling, but at least I was able to stop that worry a little longer for my parents. However, they should have known earlier – and I do realize that.

I have these feelings swirling around inside, so thank goodness for the weekend. I need it.

Quick addition: Zsolt bought me an ‘easy pen’ for the computer. What a man! Now I can draw with more than just my fingers in Paint.