Trying to relax

I’ve made it to the weekend. Next Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I have a bone scan, CT scan and consultation (I may be given a surgery date). I’m trying for a dentist appointment next Thursday, and the Friday following is another acupuncture appointment.

So thank goodness for the for the weekend.  No hospital, no work, no tests. Nothing. Just my husband and I goofing around on a lazy Saturday morning.

This week has been overwhelming. Even Postie Chris noticed that I’m off. This morning he asked me, “Are you well, Catherine?” as I opened the door in my bathrobe. But in England they often ask are you all right? , and I never know whether they are serious or just saying hello. Am I all right? Do I look ill?

Anyhow, I told him I was mostly fine because talking about breast cancer at 8 am was not the start I wanted. Mind you, he was delivering a packet of breast cancer information from the BCC and an order from Amazon for Chicken Soup for the Breast Cancer Survivor’s Soul, so I guess the topic was unavoidable.

It feels as though many hands are reaching out and wanting to pat my back. Which is fantastic and supportive, but also a little tiring. Never in my life have I been good with receiving attention. And though a part of me craves that spotlight (to be a focus in something exciting and great), I generally run as soon as the stage becomes too warm. One way or another I find myself back and safe in my quiet life.

But the support is good, very good. I don’t feel so alone and that encouragement is strengthening. Though when it comes to advice it does get a little difficult.

Obviously trying all possible therapies is my best shot at beating cancer. But I can’t do everything to please everyone – and when it comes to that, it’s quite crushing to let people down. Crushing and frustrating and even angering. That look of disappointment is a difficult thing with which to cope.  And to know what people like my husband and parents are feeling inside is even worse – I can literally see the look on my mother’s face when I think of her worried. Which, by the by, is probably why it took me so long to tell them. Zsolt I couldn’t help telling, but at least I was able to stop that worry a little longer for my parents. However, they should have known earlier – and I do realize that.

I have these feelings swirling around inside, so thank goodness for the weekend. I need it.

Quick addition: Zsolt bought me an ‘easy pen’ for the computer. What a man! Now I can draw with more than just my fingers in Paint.

11 thoughts on “Trying to relax

      • Hi Catherine,

        I started learning Qi Gong from JP last September. He is a great teacher. What I liked about Qi Gong is that it was an easy way for me to start doing some physical exercise – I wasn’t doing any before.

        It’s made me more flexible – I can now touch my toes with ease; and it’s improved my balance – something I didn’t realise I was losing as I grow older.

        Although it looks deceptively ‘non-athletic’, it’s a good workout where you sweat, your muscles burn, you feel you muscles getting stronger, and you feel good about yourself.

        The meditative aspect of Qi Gong allows me to go to a peaceful place while I’m physically active, and I love to feel the flow of energy throughout my body.

        I have since progressed to personal training with JP twice a week, doing the cardio and weight thing. The cool thing is that when JP sees that I’m hyperventillating or I’m holding my breath because of physical strain, he reminds me to go back to Qi Gong breathing where my mind does overcome my physical stress. I now do my Qi Gong at home in between my personal training sessions with JP.

        You’ll be good at it since I believe you’ve got your black belt which is way beyond what I can do!

    • I would highly recommend Qi Gong. I took JP’s class and after the second class I could really feel my Qi flowing. Now that I think about it, I should get back at it.

  1. Hi Catherine,

    Are these your own drawings in the blog with your ‘easy pen’? The drawings and titles to the drawings are great!

    Yup, for those of us who like to ‘work quietly behind the scenes’, we’re not good at receiving attention. I’m not sure why that is; maybe it’s our sense of self-reliance and work ethic. I’ve learnt that it’s ok to ask for help and accept people’s good wishes, and to be ‘nice to myself’.

    Humm… I hope I’m not one of those people who gives ‘too much advice’. I try not to be.

    Much affection, Francoise.

    • Hi Francoise,

      No one gives too much advice – it’s all wonderful. I just can’t handle it sometimes, particularly when the reality of my situation sinks in (which comes and goes, according to my mood).

      But I wanted to point out the picture for this post – it’s a cartoonish version of my maple tree back in Canada. Aka, my happy place. 🙂

  2. I am not a psychologist but have studied people and the meaning of their drawings. The maple tree with the sun and blue sky and 5 birds are VERY POSITIVE. The 5 birds would be 5 major people in your life who are supporting you, sun shinning is very healing and blue skys are blue skys! Keep drawing, ok? It is good for you, it is good for me as well.
    Love Tony

  3. I laughed when you mentioned enjoying being in the spotlight, but leaving when the stage gets too warm.
    Thanks for the chuckle…..
    ; )

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