Random midnight rant

It’s late and I have a wheeze in my left lung. I never know what to think about these things. Is it the humidity in the air? Maybe I’m just feeling anxious from a weekend of booking travel and staying up too late? Perhaps it’s because my team is out of the playoffs. . . I’ve had wheezes on and off for the past two years, often anxiety related, but who knows. Each time I hear/feel the wheeze, it plain scares me. Everything stops and I take a few deep breaths, asking myself: is it really there? Did that really happen?

Yeah, it did. It happened. It happens too often.

Sleepless Night

Is it the nerves, or it is – you know – that cancer thing the previous scans showed was growing?

Here’s a little dose of honesty. I’m really truly disappointed to not have made that study. There is this drug out there that’s not within my reach. Not for the time being, at least. It’s now on sale in the US while they finish up trials. I had some very high hopes for that drug, because this hormone therapy stuff just doesn’t seem to be cutting the mustard anymore. And frankly, I don’t want to have the chemo conversation like, ever. As in never.

My mom has been doing a lot of research. Thank goodness for that. I just can’t do it, not like she’s able to. So we will be working on my body and its ability to heal. Because of her, I don’t have to be passive as I wait for the next set of scans. I’m grateful for this. Also, there’s this yoga place with a first-time special of 35$/month for unlimited classes. We are going to go together. Another thing that inspired gratitude.

Topic jump:

Last week. I left my oncologist appointment with a new prescription, by the by. After some bizzaro conversation with the resident doctor who is learning to be an oncolgosts about an abnormal pituitary gland inside of my brain, followed by many reassurances by her and Dr Canada that is very likely not cancer – or at least, not breast cancer – anyhow, following that, I receive a prescription for another estrogen blocking drug given that the previous wasn’t working. Honestly, while I am going to take it this summer just to see what can happen, this new drug doesn’t give me high hopes. We are buying time. Not time as in ‘stopping the cancer from growing’ but more like ‘delaying any hard conversations about treatment options in hopes that something better pops up’.

So, I’m going to take this summer for what it is: an escape. Maybe I can write. Maybe we can rest. Maybe we can enjoy a beautiful few months together away from the word ‘cancer’.

Topic jump:

Here’s one other thing I just want to say. It’s really late at night, and I’m writing this in the dark. I’m certain Zsolt would love it if I stopped writing, but he’s a good sport too. Anyhow, here is what I wanted to say: treatment blows for young women with bc. Like, it sucks. I’m blocked from all the good studies because I’m not 1) over 65 and 2) without a uterus.

Where are the drug studies for young women with this damn disease? Why can I be eligible for the drug with great potential? Why do I need to wrestle with my oncologist and pharmacist to be covered for a certain prescription, and have to argue how I’m most certainly post-menopausal – not having had my period for over a year, enjoying the never-ending flux of hot flashes and anxiety, watching certain body parts shrink from lack of estrogen, definitely not ovulating with a diminished sex drive, and also not-so-much enjoying the constant pain when doing adult activities due to a crazy weird tightening of the lady parts. Seriously, it’s like being revirginized after every go!

So, don’t tell me I’m not postmenopausal! BAH! The nerve of some people. I could go on, but had better not.

Topic Jump:

Soon it’ll be the 10 year anniversary of when Zsolt and I got together. We met in Nice, France, and plan to go back there for a couple days during our trip. Pretty damn romantic, eh? I expect it to be too-quick, very emotional, and deeply important to us both to return. The number of times we’ve recounted the story of ‘how we met’ to one other – well, it’s a lot – so to actually be returning to the scene of that miracle feels good. It’s important to us both.

Topic Jump:

It’s almost midnight. I’m getting tired. No wheeze for the time being. I guess it went away.

Topic Jump:


Good night.

Random rant over.


Maybe now I can sleep.

P.S. (Apparently my right leg is ahead of me. I’ve been sitting a weird way while writing this, and now it’s totally numb!)

Cruising to Hungary!

So, we just bought ourselves two tickets to Europe on the Queen Mary. Yep. That happened. June 3rd.

Yay for Hungary! Yay for Sailing! Yay for Balaton!

(boo not getting onto studies. I’m officially on some other hormone blocker instead. Hmm. But hopefully the drug I wanted will soon be commercially available, so it won’t need a study. Soon. Hopefully. In the meanwhile, I’ll try the healing water of my favourite lake & work with my mom!)

Queen Mary 2 Front Cover

House Hunters R Us

You know how I was packing that suitcase to travel, without even having a plane ticket? Well, Zsolt and I spent last Sunday doing something pretty similar to packing. We went and looked at houses.

Not that we have a mortgage. Nope. If you look at the standard list of what two entrepreneurs need to be approved for a loan, we barely squeak by. Chances are, if we were to wait one more year, we’d have more savings and a great chance of approval.

But logic has no place in the search for home. And while I’m feeling quite okay with renting, my husband has had his heart set on property for a very, very long time. Plus what the hell are we waiting for, except per-approval?

The other day, we had to call the bank for something to do with taxes and accessing accounts or whatever. BORING! From that conversation, the customer service fellow suggested Zsolt’s business might be interested in acquiring a ‘pre-approved’ credit card. Would we like to apply?

We do our banking by speaker phone, so that we can both listen in. Now we were miming our responses to one another, him doing the maybe face, me doing the no way head shake. I hate these slide-it-in promotions. My first and strongest instinct is always to say NO. But not my husband, and since we had considered a credit card for his business in the past . . . somehow, between his ‘why not’ hand raising, and my ‘ahhh, well’ eye brow raise . . . we ended up being transferred to the credit card department.

And spoke to another customer service guy. Long story short, we got the credit card. But the real point to that story, is the credit card guy was like ‘oh, maybe you’d be interest in talking to our mortgage people?’

And I was like NO WAY and Zsolt was like, why not? (All silently mimed, once again), then I was like, oh yeah, okay … and so a meeting was set up so we could chat with someone from the bank. We had that meeting, realized it was ‘maybe yes, maybe no’ in terms of possibilities… and decided to wait a little longer before applying.

BUT. I have to say. . . somehow, even while not being pre-approved, we ended up checking out open houses last weekend.

You know how shopping feels so good? Well house shopping feels fantastic. It’s a date, day trip and adrenaline rush rolled into one! We drove around Mississippi mills and the sticks looking for places. We found an area we rather like with water to canoe in and a forest to explore. Now I guess we need to find the money.

But every good thing needs a starting place. Whether we buy this year or next, it’s good to start.

That is all.