This and That

Chances are that if i spend much time editing or worrying over this post it will never get written. We went to see the doc last week. Turns out the hard mass is the result of the cancer, but is fluid, not a mass. At least now I imagine the stuff being drained, drained away.

The more challenging news is he doesn’t want to put me back on treatment until I am stronger. Right now I am desperately weak. So, it could mean I will try again, and it could mean there is no more trying. I feel conflict between these realities. I want to be strong, treatment could do that, but also treatment makes me weak. I really want to feel good and healed, but i am really tired of swallowing pills on which I choke

However, very good things happened this weekend. It was my wedding anniversary! 8 years married. 12 years together. I like those numbers. 🙂

To celebrate, we stayed at a resort called The Opinicon. It was wonderful! The cabins are all so beautifully redone. It has a classic vibe mixed into modern taste and highly clean rooms. There is a fresh feeling in staying there – fresh air, fresh paint, fresh sheets, fresh mind. Our cabin, Juniper, faced the lake. And even though it was close to the golf cart maintenance road the cabin was perfect in all ways. Because it is close, the cabin  is accessible via wheelchair. The grounds held an ice cream parlour, there was a beautiful main lodge, a kitchen garden and in time there will be a pool, hot tub, and very long dock.It is located somewhere between Kingston and Ottawa, next to Chavey’s Locke.

Unfortunately, I find myself knocked out and unable to write more.

nap NAP nap nap nap.

That is all.

PS. I’m test driving a wheelchair – weird



Ball of nerves

Today I feel quite wound up. A ball of nerves. Emotional.

Today I go visit the oncologist, and I’m already feeling nervous. It will be little surprise, whatever the latest tests say. The ball in my abdomen is hard and growing. Clearly it’s more cancer, or inflammation from more cancer. I can feel it growing all over my body in little balls.

Last night I had a dream. In this  dream, I was laying downstairs in my bed, as ever, thinking about getting up. And Zsolt was calling me from away to rise and shine. So I did – rose and put on my clothes, including the bathrobe I find myself in too often. And I drag myself up the  stairs, and as I finally reach the kitchen, there is my whole family with a birthday cake just for me. Dad, as per his goofy self, starts trying to sing his own unique version of Happy Birthday, but I put both hands on the counter and insist upon the classic version. The cake is strawberry short cake. Now, all of a sudden, my golden retriever shows up in the kitchen too! She’s so happy to see me. I bend down to give her a good petting behind her lovely ears, and she’s still just giddy with excitement that I’m there – as if I had been away for a long time. Then I wake up and remember she died many years ago, and it is way too early for my birthday.

To see her and stroke her was wonderful. I wish I could see her again. Maybe I will one day? Depends on what happens after it happens. Could be anything.

Anyhow, now I’m here in bed writing this post. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a good cry. Feels like I’m due for one soon. Then again, as Zsolt says, today isn’t the end of the world. But still, crying is allowed.

Medical marijuana and ear wax

Okay, I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna write this blog post. And I’m going to keep it short!


With my total lack of appetite, and nausea to boot, I’m exploring the world of medical marijuana. There is a clinic in Ottawa called the Canadian Cannabis Clinic, or something along those lines. My care coordinator recommended it to me, and my family doctor referred me over there after I kindly asked her to do so.

(by the way, I also had my ears cleaned out at my family doctor’s. After a lifetime of not flushing my ears, I got a satisfying plug of wax released from each ear. It was wonderfully gross. As my lovely audience in the room can attest to.)

Anyhow, eventually I ended up at the CCC for an appointment. It went very well! Apparently, there are different properties of week and different strengths that can be purchased. The CCC took my history, and then I spoke with a doctor via Skype. She helped to explain and explore the dosing and strains that might best suit me. And after that, I was passed to a care coordinator – who hooked me up with a legal supplier, and helped me find a product to try. Overall, very helpful! I look forward to trying the goods and see if it can help.

Best part was, the consultation was covered by OHIP, so I didn’t need to pay anything for the visit. That was a surprise.

When so many other things are going a little crazy, it was nice that this could be fairly easy. Many steps, but fairly easy.

Zsolt is SO busy at work. Every time I see the guy he has a lap top in his hands. I can barely get him to leave the house! It’s great that he is so fulfilled at his work. Next I hope they can find a balance so I get my man on the weekends.

And finally I’m painting a painting for my mother, and am VERY intimidated. I really don’t want to mess this up or make it look boring. But I keep telling myself, if you don’t have fun there is no point – so relax. My mom doesn’t mind if it is terrible, but I’m sure she would like it even more if it weren’t! We went to the shop together and picked out the colours she likes, and a massive canvas. Honestly it is the canvas that intimidates me. Plus all that pain I’ll needs. Oh well – on wards!

That is it. There is a mass in my chest pushing on my abdomen and stomach – so I had a CT for that, and will ultrasound it later. I hope something can be done. I hope.


Okay that is really it. I could write more, but I’m not inclined to do so.

Therefore, done.

P.S. I had a blood transfusion. The best thing about a blood transfusion (apart from the life giving fresh healthy cells and the amazing anonymous donor who helped me so much) is the four hours I get to sleep in a bed during the day, and not feel at all guilty about the time ‘wasted’. Guilt free blood transfusions, a great way to rest.