Well, yesterday a combination of premenstrual hormones and the stress of waiting combined into a quiet freak out session when I realized there may (may, because I can’t quite decide) be another bump in my other breast.
This one feels different. It’s allusive, and can only be felt occasionally with deeply probing fingers. Actually, it feels more like a hard ball of jelly that squishes this way and that whenever I try to get a grasp.
My first reaction was ‘oh shit, again?’ F*&%k.
My second reaction was embarrassment. Because compared to my right breast, this bump is nothing. So nothing, I can already assume it would be a waste of the GP’s time. Besides, I’ve already been with one complaint, so to rush back in feels silly. . . Like I’m a scared woman who’s spent too much time thinking about breast lumps. (this may actually be true)
My third reaction was to calm the heck down, realize it’s right before my period (a time when my breasts usually swell and get sore) and I’m going to my consultation on Monday anyhow, so I can bring the issue up then. And yes, I will bring it up – because previous bump or not, I’ve got to take it all seriously. Right? Right. I can only imagine how many women are not getting their bumps checked because of doubt, or insecurity or embarrassment.
But we need to be practical, and practical advice says get it all checked.
Anyhow, it was a stressful hour. I work in a library and can’t loudly express how I feel, so instead I stared at the screen and started thinking about this blog: writing in it, drawing for it, releasing these feelings that don’t have many places to go.
I also emailed my husband. He replied with a lovely article on a some research showing that women with allergies are less likely to have cancer. However to say I don’t have breast cancer because I have allergies (bad, bad allergies) feels like bargaining, and I don’t want to do that. Plain and simple, I just want to be healthy.
So that was my evening with the phantom bump. It might be there, it might not. It might be nothing, it might be something. Despite my assumptions and doubts, there’s no way to know till I have my consultation.
Yet another reason I look forward to Monday.