Sleep is peace and distance and rest. It is a vacation from worry. And when I wake up – no matter what stage in treatment – there are always a few moments where everything feels normal. I feel normal.
Last night I dreamt of a giant raspberry – it was about the size of a toque (or a beanie, for you non-Canadians). I peeled it from the stem; the smell was sharp, the feel fantastic, and it was wet with seams of juice. Have you ever looked inside a raspberry? The way the seeds and sacks all weave together? Well it was like that, only so large you could put it on your head. I thought – this would be the perfect hat.
Instead I made it into a pie.
Now that’s just a segment of my dream; it’s an example of the wonderful places a good night’s rest can take you. Sure, okay, there are bad dreams and they happen occasionally – but normally it’s a mixture of the fantastic and familiar (with a dash of action advenutre – though not the pie making, of course). The nausea and the anxiety get left behind.
I love the night time. It’s an excuse for me to relax. Last night I was asleep by 8.30pm. Gorgeous! It had been a long day filled with anxiety over eating and not eating, and drinking and not drinking, plus Zsolt’s crazy work place. But as soon as that clocked ticked over to 8.30 – click – lights out, hold my calls.
Time for a sleep vacation.