Having enough of it

This is so massively frustrating.

Today I went in for my blood and consultation, and AGAIN I threw up. Obviously the problem rests in my head, I’ve psyched myself out.

It was the young blond consultant who met me today, I think she’s not from England based on her accent (not that it’s relevant). Anyhow, Zsolt brought up the question of my 12th treatment despite my stepping on his foot, which is a universal signal for ‘stop talking’, and it was her opinion that I receive my full treatment schedule and not miss the last one.

FRACKING FUCKING Fuck. What contrasting information. I then informed her of my plans to go home for a month over Christmas, the flight leaving on the 14th of December. She conceded that some people do stop early for different reasons, but they recommend 12 courses of the chemotherapy. However, she’ll talk to the head consultant and see what he says.

Here is what I say: it’s too freaking late. I want to go home – I want to go home – I want to go home. Don’t bother telling me I can’t.

I will, therefore I can.

I don’t want to be angry with anyone, but feel so fucking angry inside. My emotions are a yo-yo, and when they go crazy . . . and frankly, it’s my fault that they’ve become volitle . . . well, what answers are there? Drugs, more drugs, and missing Christmas? Agh!

Honeslty, I’m angry with myself.

This is something to work on. Screaming, punching, writing, NOT vomiting. I’m working on it and don’t need any more pressure. I don’t want to give anyone an excuse to worry more.

Whew! Time to go punch something.

8 thoughts on “Having enough of it

  1. You have every right to be well and truly pissed off.

    You made plans, you want to go home, you want to go home for Christmas, you miss your family = we’d all be pretty peeved about being messed around with that.

    So, by all means, scream and punch and kick and sob and whatever else makes you feel better. (Preferably indoors? No sense adding insult to injury and scaring the neighbours or innocent bystanders.)

    Then make some plans and make what you need to happen, happen.

    It’s Christmas and family and home. All really important things.

    Go get ’em!


  2. Hang in there girl! Thinking of you and sending you lots of healing energy. You are an inspriation,thank you for sharing your thoughts,feelings and struggles.

  3. Hi Catherine,

    It’s that pesky, vasovagal response (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasovagal_response).

    Pretty uncomfortable… ok, I tend to pass out when they take blood from me, which is cool, but the feeling of nausea I get before passing out is not so cool.

    I like what they say on wikipedia – “Because vasovagal syncope causes a decrease in blood pressure, relaxing the entire body as a mode of avoidance isn’t favorable. A patient can cross his/her legs and tighten leg muscles to keep blood pressure from dropping so drastically before an injection.” Hum, I didn’t know that! I wonder if it works for nausea and vomiting.

    What I do instinctively to avoid passing out is to squeeze on the nurse’s hand as hard as I can, and the good nurses will squeeze my hand just as hard. Hey Zsolt, are you up for a wrist wrestle?

    Let’s wait and hear what the head consultant says… there WILL be a way to get you home for Christmas cancer-free. So you go and punch while I go and visualize 🙂

  4. Hi,
    you don’t know me but I wanted to tell you what a gifted writer you are and what a good and healing idea you have had to write a blog about your experiences. I am sorry you have to journey on this difficult path- you write about being trying to be brave and strong; it seems to me that you are extremely strong and brave. I think its hard for you to see right now, but you are.
    I read about your upset tummy experiences and am sure that you feel thats the last thing you need right now. Have you ever tried EMDR? It sounds odd, but is scientifically proven to help with adverse reactions to traumatic events-its basically a simple eye movement or body tapping while you think of the difficult event; thats it! Somehow it calms the brain and is used with people who have gone through traumatic events and are having stress related to that. A psychologist or therapist could easily teach you and there is lots of info online-it is quite commonly done now. I thought of it when I read your blog and thought you may be interested and it may help with the nausea response. Its free, drug free, and you control when and if you do it and best of all, you can do it in public and noone knows. I dunno-just a thought. I had someone suggest it to me after a traumatic event and I was skeptical -but I did go see a psychologist who taught me how to do it myself and it really helped. Just thought you may be interested….Sending good thoughts your way!

    • Hello Tomas, thanks for the suggestion! My mother had taught me some kind of tapping technique, I wonder if it is the same? Anyhow, I’ll look it up – ever bit helps, particularly when it means no more drugs!

      • Me too, I do like Tomas’s suggestion about body tapping. Marcelle and Tony taught me a great body tapping sequence which Marcelle calls “heart vibrancy” where you focus on your intent (i.e., what you are seeking) as you tap various parts of your body. At one point in the sequence, we swish out our intent to the universe.

        Combining the mental aspect of intent, with the physical aspect of tapping what I think are acupuncture points, gives me a great spiritual relief… it calms me down and makes me feel connected to my intent… that I am capable of doing it.

        Tony does the sequence slightly differently to Marcelle based on what works well for him. It turns out that Tony’s tapping sequence works well for me since I finish my tapping sequence by tapping my third eye, a very intuitive part of me, and it feels natural to me to finish at the third eye.

        I’m fortunate that when I see Tony for my one-on-one sessions, he’ll do some tapping which releases an emotional block. It always intrigues me when he does that! 🙂

  5. Pingback: Twenty five ticks till Christmas | Bumpyboobs

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