Panic attacked in the loo

So there I was in the bathroom. Zsolt had suggested I take a hot bath to calm my cramping, and it had sounded like a good idea. Except suddenly they became really strong, and I thought, “oh shit, what if it’s ovarian cancer?” and next thing I know, I’m kneeling on the ground (hadn’t even managed to run my bath) of my parents lovely white tiled bathroom, trying not to pass out – not from the pain (though geeeeez it was painful), but from the fear.


Now, I’m not exactly familiar with the panic attack . . . but reckon that the whole “I’m going to pass out” thing is a symptom of the event.

Why did I panic?

Sigh . . .

Because as mentioned in other posts, I’m a wee bit haunted by last year. And now, when things go wrong (today’s situation revolved around strong cramps that wouldn’t let up . . . okay, so about forty minutes after they started everything had subsided . . . but that was one heck of a forty minutes.) my initial thought is: What if it’s cancer?

My second thought today was, “is this what labour feels like?”

Obviously I have issues to work out. I know that. My mom is going to help me. But there’s nothing like dipping back into fear and pain and memories to reiterate the fact that this journey isn’t over. I have a lot of healing to cover.  Which is why, and yes I guess I occasionally need reminding, we came back to Canada. Heal, baby, heal. Make it all feel better.

This is a work in process.

It may be my cramps were triggered (or rather, enhanced) by a few stressful events of late . . . which I guess is quite possible. Way back in grade seven I had my first round of exams – six in one week, or something stupid like that. I broke out in fever and rash. Stress rash. That’s just what happens. And today when my mother said to me, “Catherine, you’re panicking because you think this is worse than it is,” it clicked in my head that I really out to chill. Relax.

And not long after that the pain began to subside.

Anyhow, there you go. But I don’t want to leave you on a sour note. Instead I’d rather leave you on a sweet one.

Want to get hooked on an amazing snack food? Please, feel free to join me in the addiction called “Cha Cha Chipolte”. It’s nuts. NUTS that almonds can taste so fantastic. Okay, here is what you do: Go to your local Bulk Barn or wherever these things are sold, and BUY twenty packets (or just one).  Believe me, you won’t regret this. My family introduced this addictive, sweet, crumbly, soft, crunch, salty treat into my life, and now I’m Ha Ha Hooked.

So today I’ve written about panicking and sweet nuts. Not exactly consistent in theme, but whatever. It’s my blog, I’ll write what I like with it. 🙂

Sa sa see you later. Enjoy the nuts!!

2 thoughts on “Panic attacked in the loo

  1. Fear is a part of life after an experience like cancer. I am sorry to hear about your panic attack. Life has to be taken one day at a time sometimes even when we think we have moved on those moments can come back to haunt us.

  2. Pingback: Learning to shine beyond my doubts | Bumpyboobs

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