The other night Zsolt and I were laying in bed and wondering about space. You know, how it keeps going and going and going? You get to the end of one universe, and hey, there’s another. And then what? How far does it all go? What does it all mean? Where does that place us?
A long time ago I decided to stop wondering about the universe. It was simply too huge and unknowable, my brain would tick-tick-tick at the possibilities and vastness . . . I’d lay in bed not sleeping, simply being overawed. Until I decided to stop thinking about space.
And like I said to Zsolt last night – “no matter how big this thing is, whatever this thing is, I’m awfully glad to be lying here next to you.”
But then when it comes to funerals and death and life-after-death (we’re going to Lulu’s funeral this weekend, and it will be a lovely memorial) when I think about death, that’s like the only time I find it incredibly comforting to think about space.
Because space is so huge, and so unknowable (even if we explore, there will always be more that stays a mystery) . . . and death is so huge and so unknowable. And yet – space happens, and space exists. And death happens, and death exists. And somewhere in all this is something called God, or god, or however/whatever you want to call God. And God is huge and unknowable.
So while I cannot say what happens after a person passes away (thought I know what I’d like to have happen, to a degree, which is to be reunited with everyone you’ve ever loved and then go off together and explore the rest of the universe, kinda like Dr Who and his Tardis) – I know that while I cannot ever fully realize the unknowable, it nevertheless exists. And within that not knowing are so many possibilities. So many incredible, whatever-you-allow-yourself-to-imagine possibilities.
And so I hope whatever Lulu wished for most, she has right now. I hope she is surrounded by love. And I hope she’s really happy.
Space and God and Life and Death, it’s all so absolutely incredible. But thinking too much about these things tends to blow my mind. That’s why I’ve written it down and shared it with you. And that’s why I’m going to go to bed now, and snuggle up with my husband. Because no matter how big BIG is, or how far existence stretches, or tiny we are in the grand scheme of things (or hey, maybe we’re huge and this is all like some giant Trumen Show) – like I said to Zsolt, “I’m just happy to be here beside you.”
The author of Peter Pan said something about death once I found rather encouraging. He said something like, “death is the best adventure you’ll ever have.”
So Lulu, I hope you’re having the best adventure of your entire life. Be sure to give grandpa a kiss on the cheek for us, eh. 😉