It’s my Birthday!

Guess what? Today I’m officially 31 – a word to my thirties: I’m here, I’m in you, and I’m not letting go!

make a wishYesterday was something. Zsolt and I had a follow up appointment with Dr Canada at the hospital, so that pretty much consumed my thoughts. We were going to learn about tumour markers and hear what could be seen on the lung x-ray.

So, we get to the hospital and are pretty much immediately taken into a consultation room. The nurse says she’ll pass me a slip after the talk with Dr Canada so I can book my follow up appointment. And I was like, “Follow up appointment?” in my head. Not aloud. Follow up appointments are never quite the words you want to hear in a consultation room, particularly after the life-shaking news I received last time.

Anyhow, she left and Zsolt and I waited. And waited. And waited. Part of me had been calm going in there, but as the waiting continued another part of me started kicking up and wanted to just leave.

“Let’s leave,” I said to Zsolt, pretending to be joking.

He pretended to laugh.

For some reason I decided to dress nicely for this appointment. Yesterday I was in my high-waist blue skirt, stripped blue t-shirt, and blue canvas shoes. Zsolt was in his red t-shirt, blue jeans and white shoes. Together we looked like the American flag, which I guess was appropriate considering it was July 4th.

Anyhow, just as I’m sliding down in my chair onto the consultation room floor with all the nerves, in walks Dr Canada.

He’s smiling, he says hello, he gives me a hug. (After I sit back up.)

And all along in the back of my mind, as we exchange words and he tells me a little bit about the anxiety he realizes I must be feeling, I just want to know about the tumour markers. Finally he lets us know that the markers looked ‘normal’, and the markers specific to my situation looks rather ‘normal’. And that was great to hear.

The X-ray didn’t show the spots, which probably means they are too small. This, he said, was a bit of a disappointment because now I’ll need to be bounced around in my referrals before we can find someone to actually biopsy the little things. Therefore, that means I need to keep waiting.

Fucking torturous.

And then we talked about possibilities and options and treatments and scary stuff. They may be benign spots that resulted from a lung infection some people in this area can get, so there’s that as a bit of hope. The biopsy will really reveal all.

Some scary things were also said yesterday. Things I already knew, but I guess you never want to hear coming out of a doctor’s mouth. Stuff like breast metastatic cancer isn’t curable (garbage!). Stuff like woman do die from this. Stuff like some women live one or two years while others live many more.

Stuff I don’t want to battle, take on, challenge, fight, deal with, or acknowledge. Stuff I’d rather not have to consider.  (And I think it’s total crap that we are slapped in the face with this ‘no cure’ crap! Science – GET ON THIS ALREADY. Oh, yes, you are. Okay – GO FASTER.)

He also said that if it is metastatic I can basically forget about carrying a child. And if it’s estrogen receptive, I should consider removing my ovaries.

However, we have a bit more hope after that appointment, and small in good no matter what. Small is good. Not being cancer is the best. Let’s shoot for the best!!!

On another note, a happier note, last night I attended a bachelorette party. This is my first every bachelorette party – I didn’t even have a bachelorette party when marrying the Zsoltster.

Dress code said black dresses. Hmm. I paired a black skirt with a black tank top, and said, “good enough!” Can you believe I own no little black ‘going to a club’ dress? I guess I can believe it – black isn’t my best shade.

The party was for an old friend I’ve known since almost always. (She was an excitable, imaginative and trouble-making kid, who I got to see grow up into a beautiful, hilarious, and compassionate woman. You would like her very much.) She and I grew up on the same street, and while we weren’t tied at the hip or anything, it’s been good to have her there to talk to when it’s needed, and I’m sure its visa versa. I’m so entirely happy for her to be marrying such a lovely guy, and think there’s a lifetime of laughter and fun ahead for that couple.

Now, I’m not a natural party girl – I’m kinda the anti-party girl, particularly as of late – so I showed up with my bottle off fizzy water and was quiet in my corner as stories were passed around about the bride-to-be, and quizzes were taken, beads won, salads and Mexican food eaten. I met new people and caught up with friends from high school. 🙂

It was one of those nights when I could forget about the hard stuff for just a little while, just long enough to laugh and think of how wonderful the world can be for us. So I’m very glad to have gone, very glad to have been there for that moment, and kinda sorry I wasn’t in the mood to dance on any tables – though that really rarely (if ever?) happens anyhow.

Now here is a small miracle I’d love to see happen:  Dr Canada wants to look at my previous post-original-diagnosis CT scan from three years ago. If he sees spots on that scan, then I’m okay because this is probably just a result of that stupid infection people can get. If he doesn’t, then I need to have a biopsy to see what is going on – and that has a long wait time attached to it, plus scary possible implications. I wasn’t sure whether or not to talk about this, but I’ve decided to do so since your good vibes worked last time, so I’m hoping they work again. Please do send some my way, if that’s okay. And in the meanwhile I’m hoping, praying and writing for good results in all areas.

Next week I drop off that CT scan.

Week after I have a bone scan.

We want spots on the original CT scan, and a clear bone scan. That two things would be good. Good would be GOOD.

And, it’d be an awesome birthday present too.

23 thoughts on “It’s my Birthday!

  1. Happy Birthday, Catherine! I’m wishing for spots on the original CT scan AND a clear bone scan. I’m with you all the way – having a CT scan next week, had a bone scan last week, and waiting for results. And like yours, it’s all going to be GOOD. x

  2. Best wishes for a very Happy Birthday. I hope you can do something fun (and maybe a little outrageous) for yourself. I’ll be sending lots of glittery good your way.

  3. Hey Catherine – if you read my most recent post, I had a bit of a scare myself with the lungs. It is very torturous, worrying about that crap. But I am wondering, did your doctor not compare your new scan to your initial CT scan before bringing up the results with you? Because if the same spots are on that first one, it seems like you could have avoided a ton of anxiety! Do you have the report from your initial scan, or did they not give that to you? I really hope they get answers for you soon because waiting is always the worst.
    I will think LOTS of good thoughts for you, and I am rooting for you 100%!!!

    • P.S. Happy birthday! Birthdays are pretty special for us cancer folks, more than most people probably realize. I hope you can put this stuff out of your mind for the day and enjoy yourself.

    • Ah well, my inital CT mentions nothing in the report – but he wants to see the scan for himself. My original CT was done in England, so I guess when I came to Canada it wasn’t transfered to his files. So, I’ll pass along an image to him this week. It’s nerve wracking. I’m so glad your spots turned out to be nothing. Talk about relief!

  4. Sending you good vibes for your CT scan comparison and your bone scan. Dr. Canada sounds like a great guy … offering you big hugs. 🙂

    As for your official party dress, the purple one looks great on you. On top of that, purple is supposed to ward off negative energy.

    Have a great birthday!

  5. dear Catherine,

    happy birthday! i’m all over it – honing in and WILLING those spots to be on the original CT scan, and a pristine bone scan. waiting is an absolute bitch – I wish I could take it for you. and I know it’s hard for zsolt as well. allow yourselves to be happily diverted in any way you can. and know I am sending waves and waves of BIG HOPE, and the light of love.

    xoxo, karen

  6. Happy Birthday Catherine. I am sending all of the positive thoughts that I can. The waiting is so difficult but I’m with you about hoping for the best. Hugs and xoxoxo – Susan

  7. Wishing you a very happy (if belated – sorry ) birthday, and spots on the CT baseline scan and clear bone scans. I said SPOTS AND CLEAR SCANS. Big hugs to you, thinking of you as you wait, wait, wait… xxx

    PS. SPOTS and clear scans!!! Right? Good!

  8. We will most definitely shoot for the best! Good would be GOOD and more! I do hope the first CT shows those darn spots and that your upcoming bone scan is clear. I am sending you all the good vibes I can muster up and toss your way. Thanks for talking about this with us. We’re all rooting for you and Zsolt. And happy birthday to you too! And by the way, I’m not much of a party girl either… but I’m so glad you went and enjoyed yourself. Big hugs to you, Catherine.

  9. Goood gooood goooood healthy thoughts coming your way! And hippo birdie’s two ewes! Ps: can you bank your eggs?

    • Thanks for the good thoughts 🙂 I reckon I could in theory bank my eggs, but I’m certain we won’t do it. The amount of estrogen they need to fill me with is a bit ridiculous, and then if it is MFing cancer, then I don’t want to pour gas onto flames, you know?

  10. Pingback: Weekly Round Up | Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer

  11. Catherine – I’ve been thinking about you so much while I’ve been on the road and sending you all of the good vibes I can muster. I hate doctors who talk about all of the downsides and what ifs. F HIM! I agree. Let’s focus on the fact that those little things in your lungs have always been there. And, he’s just being overly cautious. But, I can only imagine how torturous all of this waiting and wondering is. Thinking of you. T xo

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