Today is Sunday, and it’s a really beautiful day outside. We have lovely Sunday plans: farmer’s market in the morning, brunch with the family and then a friend is getting married – I’m entirely honoured to be invited to attend her incredible event. (While also thinking of another friend out west who was recently married, and wishing I could have been there.)
The past week has been hectic, with appointments flying out of the unicorn’s butt in magical rainbow bursts. Sorry, that’s weird, I saw a picture the other day and it made me laugh. But really, that’s just weird.
It’s been busy. I’m trying to implement some kind of push-back routine into my life, that involves things like mistletoe injections, coffee colonics, juicing, fresh garlic, Vitamin C IV treatments (more on that later), visiting naturopaths, going to acupuncture clinics, trying to connect with a social worker, and maybe even moving from my most loved apartment since the neighbour downstairs is a chain-smoker who won’t be stopping anytime soon.
So, we’re pushing.
One thing is different in me, so I’m going to talk about it now. I have been getting very angry. First I was(still kinda am) a little angry with Dr. Canada for his bleak perspective of this situation. Then I became very angry with my downstairs neighbour who won’t take his smoking outside. And then, I became angry with my upstairs neighbour who kept us up all night with moving and other loud activities. And then, I became angry on a friend’s behalf over something someone said, which I think no one else even noticed or would have cared about.
It’s not like I’m taking my anger out on these people. But Zsolt gets an earful.
And it’s not like I’m walking around angry every second, because there are awesome things happening too . It’s just that I get ANGRY quickly. My fuse has been cut very short. I suppose my ability to recover still remains, but it’s hard to shake off this deep bubbling anger – it’s like a lava that wants to explode and keeps looking for avenues of eruption. I’m not really sure where to direct the energy. Can I tell-off an innocent stranger, neighbour or doctor just because I’m a walking time-bomb of emotion? No.
So where does it go? I literally have no idea. Ideas are welcome.
But in the meanwhile some good things are happening too. The other day I wore an awesome outfit that included a green shirt, black skirt and a bright orange belt. I felt so very pretty, and that was a good help because it was also the day I went for the diagnosis. But even amongst that crap, I am pleased with that lovely outfit. (So you can see now how often I dress up:. not enough!)
Last night was a lantern festival here. It’s amazing to walk through the darkness and let your eyes settle onto these randomly glowing lanterns and light sculptures. I felt outside of myself and lost in that night-feeling. It’s a wonderful thing.
Blogging will be taking another step forward in this beloved neighbourhood, Vanier, where I live, and I’m so excited to be involved! More on that later.
And then just this morning my friend Ian Kirkpatrick said he’ll work on my book cover! I’m absolutely thrilled. We met Ian and his gorgeous/brilliant wife back when we first moved to England. Since then his art has seemed to explode in all kinds of cool directions. It’s wonderful to see your friends succeed.
Oh, and tomorrow I’ll be meeting with a very well established erotic romance author and friend to talk ebooks. Exciting!!!
I’ve started an email list for anyone who wants to be notified when my crowd funding goes live in September. Seeing the names pile up on that list makes me realize that this is real, and that is awesome. I want this to be REAL. If you want to read about the book, you can do so here (I’ll soon be posting excerpts). If you want to sign up for an email once we get rolling with the campaign, you can do that here too!
And now: Time for a farmer’s market!!
12 thoughts on “Happy Bunny vs. Angry Bunny”
I feel angry for you Catherine and angry that life can be so cruel and provide no answers. I am struggling to make sense of it all. I admire your honesty and positive attitude. I think of you both everyday and pray for you.
I understand the anger, Catherine. Completely. It’s so completely normal. Dressing up is a great way to feel good about yourself. I bought a dress for my son’s wedding next month and just want to wear it all the time, along with the pretty pumps that cost more than the dress. We are all sending comforting and loving thoughts your way. Best wishes with your book. It will be a success. Period. xo
oh, Catherine, you are such a totally awesome human being! being able to feel such feelings of excitement, gratitude, and whimsy – and keeping yourself occupied with what you CAN do is a comforting and liberating way of doing and thinking. but I also think being able to say how angry you are is so honest, and it really resonates with me, as I am sure it does with others. I know something is way out of whack when I can’t find a way to express my anger. my heart sometimes feels like it will just burst out of my chest with all the angry energy stored there. I wish I had some insight to share, but I need to find my way so can’t offer any advice. but some little nugget of thought flashes through my head – sort of along the lines of “I have so much to be grateful for” – and I wonder if I am afraid I will negate gratitude by having a huge bomb of an angry hissy fit? or is it just too scary to bring all the various reasons for the anger up to the forefront, being terrified of falling into an abyss that is such a dark and terrible place? I am asking these questions aloud in this space – maybe they will help – you, me, someone? meanwhile, darling girl, savor all the joy and happiness you can, and know that you are not alone. and I can just picture you in that lovely outfit – bet you had a bit of a sashay in your step!
much love, XOXO,
glad to hear you are doing Mistletoe Injections and IVC. I have been doing them for over 2.5 years. Are you going to a Naturopathic Oncologist? I hope so. I’m seriously looking into that study I sent you. Keeping busy is a great! You’re goign to prove your bleak Dr wrong!!!
I hear you on the anger. I work pretty hard at balancing the anger (which I think, on the whole, is healthy) and knowing when it’s wearing me out. I think you have every right to be angry right now. And, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, you’re not stuck with Dr. Canada. If you decide that you want someone else, that’s totally OK – even if the hospital gives you a hard time about it. It’s also OK just to tell him that you’ve been happy with his care but how he handled your diagnosis was upsetting to you. Or to just let it go and decide you can deal with Dr. Eeyore Canada.
Also, it sounds from way, way outside that you are handling things really well. You are amazing.
Marcelle is a big advocate of punching out emotions (e.g., visualize what’s bothering you and punch it out to fast music). The first time I heard her talk about this, I said to myself, “You won’t catch me punching, I hardly get angry.” But in one of her workshops, she made me punch for 3 minutes while I was visualizing glass blocks shattering around me – it was great, and what I desired through my visualization came true!
During my personal training with J.P., he makes me do a series of punches, a knee to the groin area or a kick sweep with my leg. It’s tiring because I’m not very fit, but it’s also invigorating to learn how to do these moves fluidly. When you’re angry, these would be good and fun moves to do to get the anger out, and after, you get the satisfaction of tiring workout … provides a good deep sleep too.
J.P. has a busy work schedule, so I only get to workout with him on his day off. Why not join J.P. and me on Friday evenings at 6 p.m. near his house? There is a nice park there where we workout, and he is a persuasive motivator. Ask him and let him know I invited you to join us. Take care.
Catherine, Anger seems to me to be the most appropriate response. Please don’t be afraid of your anger or ashamed of it. Expressing it doesn’t wipe out or overshadow the other emotions you feel. This is your life. Of course you are angry. I am here to listen to anything you’ve got to say. Love, Jude
I am angry for you Catherine. It just sucks, no other way to say it. Hugs to you.
Feel what you feel, Catherine. No judging.
I remember having a short fuse after I was diagnosed. I flipped the bird for the first (and not last) time after my diagnosis and was particularly mouthy to opposing teams at my Thursday night soccer games. I think we just become intolerant of the mundane when faced with the shockingly serious (story of our lives!!). I’d love to hear more about your push back routines… Write more on that!!
… Flipped the bird in the car in an attack of road rage
If I get a push back routine, I promise to share it! I love hearing about yours too. It’s good to know we all get a bit POed. (And can vent)