So I have this memory burned into my mind.
This memory is me at a train station in Amsterdam. My younger brother is standing behind me on the train platform and we’re waiting for this train to pull away. The train station is perfectly European as in the ceilings stretch up high and pigeons fly amoungst the raftors. The announcements in this far-off echo and bounce around the massive place as we stand there waiting.
And then I see him. I see Zsolt find his seat inside of the train. Only seconds ago he was with me in my arms, and now he’s there inside of this train about to pull out of the station. It’s funny how one second you can be wrapped up in this world of love and excitement, and then – almost inevitably – the next second you are sobbing on a train platform as your heart breaks and you wonder, “will I ever see him again?”
Zsolt is inside of this train waiting to pull out of the Amsterdam train station. He’s sitting by the window next to the platform. I slow down the tears as much as possible and go up to that window, and wait till he notices me.
He notices me.
I put my hand against the window; it’s cold and it’s dirty, but he’s right there on the other side and only moments before he was next to me kissing me goodbye. Zsolt puts his hand upon the window against mine so that all there is between us is this cold pane of glass – that and a train that is now about to leave the station.
But just there in that ten second window before I need to step back, I make the decision that will change my life. I decide that no matter what happens, I will see him again. No matter what, we will be together again.
At that point, I’d known Zsolt for about three weeks, and had spent about nine of those days together with him. It was enough to know I wouldn’t give up on us. It was enough to change my life.
So, when I start to think about the things I’d rather not think about, I try and remember that moment on the platform – grimy glass and all – and focus on my hand against his hand. It is the moment that I carry with me through all of this, and keep safe with a sense of certainty. It’s the bright side when I go to the hard places. It is my power. It is our love.
P.S. It’s our five year wedding anniversary today, hence this sentimental post! 🙂