Today I feel quite wound up. A ball of nerves. Emotional.
Today I go visit the oncologist, and I’m already feeling nervous. It will be little surprise, whatever the latest tests say. The ball in my abdomen is hard and growing. Clearly it’s more cancer, or inflammation from more cancer. I can feel it growing all over my body in little balls.
Last night I had a dream. In this dream, I was laying downstairs in my bed, as ever, thinking about getting up. And Zsolt was calling me from away to rise and shine. So I did – rose and put on my clothes, including the bathrobe I find myself in too often. And I drag myself up the stairs, and as I finally reach the kitchen, there is my whole family with a birthday cake just for me. Dad, as per his goofy self, starts trying to sing his own unique version of Happy Birthday, but I put both hands on the counter and insist upon the classic version. The cake is strawberry short cake. Now, all of a sudden, my golden retriever shows up in the kitchen too! She’s so happy to see me. I bend down to give her a good petting behind her lovely ears, and she’s still just giddy with excitement that I’m there – as if I had been away for a long time. Then I wake up and remember she died many years ago, and it is way too early for my birthday.
To see her and stroke her was wonderful. I wish I could see her again. Maybe I will one day? Depends on what happens after it happens. Could be anything.
Anyhow, now I’m here in bed writing this post. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a good cry. Feels like I’m due for one soon. Then again, as Zsolt says, today isn’t the end of the world. But still, crying is allowed.