Category Archives: After treatment

Living in a crazy mess

Posted in After treatment, Bumpboobs, Chemotherapy, Finding Home, Life, Treatment by

At the very end of Edible Woman there is a scene where she bakes a cake. Her entire apartment is catastrophic with mess, mould and disarray. Instead of cleaning the place, she buys new ingredients (flour, sugar, salt, etc), a new baking tray, new cake moulds, new measuring cups – new everything, and she bakes her lady cake. And somehow in that mess, once the cake is iced and ready, somehow she finds a little freedom from the madness.

This is how I feel in my apartment. For the past three days I’ve had one slipper missing, so have been walking around the flat with double layer socks on my right foot, and a moccasin slipper on my left. There is a constant pile of dishes across the counter, and the mite protection sheet of my bed (which last week I washed) has been sitting on the sofa waiting for me to strip the mattress – in the meanwhile it’s attracted my handbag, backpack, toque, apron, headphones, sweater, jeans, trackpants, running shoes, jacket, blanket, scarf and shall. The floor needs a good vacuum. The bedroom needs to be tidied . . .  the bathroom is okay, so at least there is that.

Anyhow, it’s a little crazy here. Zsolt in the meanwhile is at his computer totally absorbed into this thesis (because if he wasn’t, I’d never get away with leaving my things everywhere). I’m counting down the hours to his submission because: 1) It’s an incredible achievement and I’m bursting with pride over my brilliant man and 2) I miss having the dishes washed every morning.

Honestly, between Zsolt and I – he is the better housekeeper. Lately we’ve been taking turns. During chemo he did the tidying. During thesis I’d do the tidying . . . but now we’re both managing projects (radiotherapy recover and thesis polishing) at the same time.

Here is a good question: how do people with children manage? I really, really admire all the mothers and fathers who somehow produce a liveable household for their family. I cannot understand how you do it, which makes your results all the more impressive.

So – waiting for that moment of clarity now. Maybe it’ll come in the form of moving boxes, charity shop donations, and the inevitable vacating of this property. Who knows? Hopefully, eventually, I’ll at least find my other slipper.

Menopause vs. ovulation

Posted in After treatment, Bumpboobs, Chemotherapy, Fertility, Treatment by

You may or may not know (though I do chat about it often) that I had taken Zoladex (goserelin) during my chemotherapy. What does Zoladex do? It shuts down your ovaries. Why was I taking it? In hopes that it might protect my ovaries and eggs while they were pumping in stuff to kill fast growing cells. What was the result? Bye bye period.

A potential risk of chemotherapy is the loss of fertility. Yes, ok, fair enough. So I asked the doctor: how will I know if I’m fertile? To which the doctor replied: You will get your period.

I’m not in the mood to freak out, but about two and a half months have passed since the Zoladex should have ‘worn off’. But for some women menstration doesn’t kick-in for months, so this delay is still in the range of normal.

Either it will come back eventually, or if chemotherapy killed my fertility, it will never come back at all.

Anyhow, so this has left me clinging to any and all signs of possible ovulation/PMS/period. Signs of ovulation/PMS/period:

Mood swings – I’m awesome one second and weeping the next. . . Similar to chemotherapy, actually.

I get randy –  like a week or two before my period a whole new kinda woman emerges (studies have shown that when women are ovulating they wear more revealing clothing. Interesting – we are programmed to project ourselves (and to notice others) when most fertile. Isn’t that fascinating? Next time you’re in a public place, look at the women around you guess who is ovulating.)

Cramps and bloating – the less fun side-effect of fertility and menstruation. Thank goodness for hot water bottles.

Food cravings!  And just this past moment I was nearly ACHING for dark chocolate. As this craving surged through me, I thought – hey, hold on, does this mean I’m ovulating? But then I was hit by a hot flash, so it’s quite possible I am not ovulating. Can a person ovulate and hot flash at the same time? Maybe . . .  isn’t that part of menopause? Not everyone turns off their ovaries with the pop of a pill.

Anyhow, why am I sharing this? Because it’s interesting and I’m in the mood to chat. But now it’s time to stop, because Zsolt’s abstract is waiting and I’m yet to look it over.

Final word: CHOCOLATE!!!

Thesis mayhem

Posted in After treatment, Bumpboobs, Life, Radiotherapy Treatment by

This is a working weekend. What does that mean? It means proofing my husband’s 160 page thesis, helping with the abstract (if that’s possible), going to the library (it’s my turn to cover the weekend) and writing for my blogs. Blogs. But, it’s a good weekend too.

OH MY GOODNESS! [breaking news] Again I’ve woken up early. Rolling out of bed today, Zsolt reported the time as  9.30 am, a respectable Sunday start. HOWEVER, it’s actually now 8.30 am, which means it was probably even earlier when we first got up.

What is happening?

I’ll tell you what’s happening. Life is busy, and so is my brain. Here is the Sunday Things To Do list:

1. Write : In process.

2. Eat : Also in process. We just bought two containers of yogurt for £2, which isn’t a bad deal considering it’s organic and absolutely delish. Two flavours were purchased, apricot and mango &vanilla. I’m really looking forward to trying the mango & vanilla, YET this morning I opened the apricot instead. As a BA psychologist, I find this behaviour interesting.

3. Take shower : still not using deodorant on my radiotherapy arm, therefore a daily scrub is important.

4. Clean: Questionable/unlikely.

5. Tea break: Absolutely.

6. Work: one to five at the Avenue Library. Can you believe students actually come in on Sundays? Diligent young workers.

7. Thesis: this is going to be peppered throughout my day. Yesterday it was GO GO GO for thesis revision, but thankfully most of that is done. At least, for me it’s done. Zsolt is still in the midst of madness and revision.

8. Practice reading aloud:  This upcoming Monday I’ll go give a public reading (eep) at the Portsmouth Write Invite. Essentially you get up, read for no less than 6 minutes, and then in the end everyone votes for their favourite. So, if reading in public wasn’t enough pressure, add on some judgement for another level of nerves. Yowsers. But it’s good practise. Really I’m just doing this to add content to my writing website, but hey – it’s also an opportunity to meet other writers, listen to new work, and have a good night out. (I foresee another day of exhaustion come Tuesday)

Here is Zsolt’s Sunday Work List:

1. THESIS.

And that’s all. This guy is correcting, nit picking, aligning, editing, rewriting and stressing his butt off. All thesis, all the time. There was this beautiful hope that he’d be able to submit come Monday, but that was dashed last week when plans had to be changed. But submission will happen, and it’s gonna be this upcoming week. Any bets for the day and time?

Anyhow, life is busy and it’s seems to be getting busier. Thankfully radiotherapy exhaustion hasn’t struck me yet. Maybe I’m just holding on with will power, not sure what might happen once Zsolt finally submits. My radiotherapy burn is managing well. I’m slathering it with Traumeel and the redness is reducing. Mind you, they say it can keep reddening for about two or three weeks following treatment, so I keep waiting for the blisters to erupt. However, so far so good. The area is significantly darker than my light skin – something like a deep tan (mind you, a deep tan for me is like no tan for others), and the area is speckled with some very un-sexy freckles.

It’s now just past nine, and that’s us on this cloudy Sunday morning here in England. Status check updated, now time for more yogurt. Happy weekend to you!