Category Archives: Life despite cancer

Dreaming of blog posts . . . and leg hair

Posted in Bumpboobs, Fun, Life, Life despite cancer by

Before falling into sleep I sometimes compose blog posts in my head. Last night I was thinking to myself about leg hair, and how I should write about it here. My post idea was basically this:

“This winter I shaved my legs once. Zsolt is the only man I’ve ever encountered (intimately) who is cool with hair on my legs – heck, I go out in the summer with week-long unshaven legs ever since finding this blessing of a man. I suspect it’s because he’s from Europe . . .or that he just a guy who doesn’t care.

He was also one of the first guys I’d met who would throw down the dance gauntlet before anyone else had hit the dance floor. This wasn’t even contingent on pre-drinking. It was only contingent on there being cheesy eighties pop music playing. The first time we ever went dancing was in Nice, France. That time he definitely wasn’t sober. Zsolt had this signature dance move he does that involves him pointing at you with both hands stretch out, then letting that “point” circle around the room. It was noticeable and hilarious. Now I pull that point-finger move far more often than he does, but it will always remind of me of when we first met.

I have this memory of being about 13 years old and attending a pool party. My legs had stubble. And being a typical teenage girl, I of course chased boys around the pool all night threatening to scratch them with my semi-hairy legs.

“Touch my leg!” I’d say.

And they’d run.

This is a case of being high on hormones. That’s also how I met my husband. Hormone high = mighty courage.

My next scan/x-ray/whatever is scheduled for May, and I’m thinking of pushing it two months back. Part of me fears everything, and is scared the cancer will gets frustrated with being ignored if I push it back. A larger part of me doesn’t want to allow cancer to once again ruin an important time of the year. From May till the second week of July we have important stuff happening.

Last year our birthdays were heartbreaking occasions.

So this year, I’d like to wait on whatever news – good, bad, or unchanged – may be coming. I just want to wait. That means I need to call the oncologist. Dr Canada seems to get that I want to live well. But still, asking for anything other than protocol is scary business for me. Maybe I’ll grow my leg hair for courage, and hit up some hummus & olives for a temporary hormone high.”

And that is the post I was thinking of writing. Not actually word-for-word, but something along those lines. Surprisingly this isn’t the stuff that keeps me awake at night. What keeps me awake is the building bunch of projects I have going on – including my book launch!

Now, here we are at the end of this rambling post.

Good morning!

Finally some good news

Posted in advanced cancer, Bumpboobs, Life despite cancer, Treatment by

Every few months I get an x-ray of my lungs. This is done to check on the spots. You see, last summer when the spots were discovered by the CT, I’d also had an x-ray which didn’t show any cancer. The spots were too small to appear on that less precise form of x-ray imagining.

Therefore, I’ve had an x-ray since then with the idea being, if no spots show up than the cancer is stable. Truth be told, I am having a hard time handling these little hurdles in the metastatic way of life, and so I didn’t blog about their coming or their going. There was nothing to say, I was stable – i.e. nothing showed up.

Last week I went for a CT scan. My oncologist, Dr. Canada , has had hopes of adding me to the latest promising phase three study, where I may have (it is randomized) been given that drug in testing Palbociclib, which seems very promising for ‘extending life’ – which is very good and yet not good enough, if you ask me. If there was any change in the scan, I would be eligible.

I didn’t write about this scan last week. I couldn’t. It felt like my world was about to crash. Mixed between normality were cracks of panic. And what is very hard in all of this, is that these scans and checks are now a way of life. One scan or x-ray will always be followed be another in a few/several months. Metastatic breast cancer, unlike stage three and below, has no end of treatment. It’s living scan to scan, and I wonder if anyone can become hardened against this.

But I don’t really want to talk about that today. So I will stop there. Today I’d rather look at the encouraging things.

I had my results yesterday. They were good. We went out in the evening to celebrate with my parents, because even if I do need to go through this every few months – good news is GOOD. It means something is being done right. The cancer tumors were not just stable, but had somewhat shrunk across the board. Shrinking is a good thing.

Lord, I’m doing so much right now. There’s the vitamin C, the Zoladex, the supplements, the emotional work. So it is hard to say what is working. Maybe it’s my body’s immune system? Maybe it was publishing my novel? Maybe it is just everything all combined? All I know is this is good news, and I need to keep on with the routine. News like yesterday’s is my motivation.

So there is the update. I’ve had so much support from everyone visiting Bumpyboobs and beyond with the diagnosis, the book, living well . . . so when there is good news like this, we need to celebrate. Never mind what comes next.

🙂

Happy faces for everyone. Even if mine is still a bit tentative!

By the by, one of my friends is a doctor at the hospital where I had my results. While waiting for Dr Canada to arrive (after the nurse ushered us into a small treatment room), my friend knocked on the door and came in to chat. This was a very good thing. Everyone should have surprise visits from their friends while waiting for potentially life-altering news. It takes the edge off. So a very big THANK YOU for doing that. And I loved your outfit too, by the way. Polka dots are awesome.

P.S. I might be going to something called Sex-a-palooza via some free tickets. So, there could be a post in that!

P.P.S. This song is sooo good! You are invited to dance in your chair while listening to it.

Lean In? Sometimes I’d rather Lean Away.

Posted in After treatment, Bumpboobs, Life, Life despite cancer, Writing by

So, I have an on-again, off-again book club, and one of the books we recently discussed was Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg. She is the woman in that popular TED talk, which exploded into a book/movement to ‘lean in’.

lean in

The book is for women in the workplace. Or rather, it’s for women who want to excel/climb the ranks in the workplace. She is essentially looking at why we don’t have more women leaders, and a LOT of that reason, according to Sandberg’s discussion, is about children/family.

That is to say, women anticipate having children, and so they back away from work. There are other aspects, but this point is one that interests me the most. Essentially, she suggests that even before meeting the loves of their lives, women are already planning their exit strategy for motherhood. And therefore, they are less ambitious in their jobs.

Okay, I can get that. In fact, I’ve seen that actually happen.

Now why am I talking about this today? Because I’m curious about leaning in from the perspective of cancer.

Sandberg argues women should lean in so that if they do have kids, when they return from their mat leave they will be in a good position. Focusing on advancing your career is worth it for the places it will take you, and because when you come back  to work you’ll be at a higher level.So, say instead of babies you have a possibly shorter life span on your mind. Are there similarities here? Should we ‘lean in’ and create a legacy of some kind? Does that kind of stuff even matter? Why bother leaning in if the clock is officially ticking? Is the assumption of illness, change, or even death reason enough to not go for a promotion or try to rise up in a company? Better yet, those diagnosed with stage four cancer – are we more likely to lean away?

Maybe it’s a matter of time. But that’s the one massive question that cannot be answered. It could be a year, it could be twenty years, it could be . . .  well, who the heck knows?

I’ve met one woman who choose to lean away. She was counting down the days till retirement and was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. Instead of retiring, she went on disability as she slid into depression. Somehow, to her, being on disability rather than being retired seems to equate to missing the golden ring. But then, I reckon the depression contributes to that perspective.  She is emotionally disconnected from joy, and that is really crap.

There are other women – younger ladies in the thick of motherhood, diagnosed with stage four and choosing to stay home. They’d rather spend time with their kids, and who is going to argue against that? That makes all kinds of sense to me. They are leaning into what matters most to them.

And then there is me. To lean in or lean away? This past autumn had me leaning in to get the book done and out. It was a very good decision, and what an experience. Also, I worked during that time too, even right after diagnosis when life was nothing but brick walls. Though to be honest, while we build Zsolt’s business I don’t have a choice whether or not to work. I must work. We need to eat and pay rent 🙂 Retirement isn’t an option. Heck, I’m only 31! There is nothing to retire.

But even if I’m working, should I be leaning in? Should I try to grow my career or be content as it is? Is it fair to my employers if I apply & get accepted for a higher position? What if I get sick again, and their investment comes to nothing? Is it selfish to lean in? Do I even want to lean in?

With my book it is different. I like to lean in because it’s just me. Either I sell or I don’t sell. Either I create or I don’t create. No one else is impacted. But even with writing . . . well, there are these scans every few months . . . there is that constant limbo. Life itself is an emotional stop and go.

There’s a point in here somewhere . Actually, no, there isn’t a point. There is a question: Do you lean in, and what does that even mean to you after being diagnosed (or someone you love being diagnosed) with cancer? And if someone told you time was limited, would your career even remain a focus?

What do you think? Leaning in post-cancer, leaning in at stage four . . .

I lean into what I love, that’s for sure. But as for the other stuff, I don’t know. I found myself not committing and using “I had cancer, so I don’t’ want to waste my time on crap that doesn’t matter” as an explanation for that – whether or not it is a good explanation. Honestly, I’d rather write short stories that make people smile. I’d rather capture someone’s story and help them feel special. I’d rather tweet and talk and doodle and create. I’d rather feel my heart get filled up with a job very well done. And most of all, I’d rather weave stories, even if it’s not catapulting me to the top of an organization, or even a bestseller list, it’s what I prefer to do. Now with the stage four, I feel that way even more.

Though as I said, I still need to pay my bills 🙂 And really, my dreams are much bigger than just paying bills. I want to buy property and travel and live well and realize some huge ideas that must involve success. So, despite stage four, and not knowing what the next scan will bring, I actually do want to lean in. I want to lean in on my terms and with what I love.

So that’s a little from me. Now it’s your turn:

Lean in . . . what does that mean after fighting for your life? I’d love to know.