Category Archives: Bumpboobs

I have breast cancer

Posted in Bumpboobs, Life, Treatment by

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Fuck.

That’s how I feel right now. The doctor came into the room, felt my armpit, looked at my breast, asked if my family lives in the area . . . no, they’re all back in Canada . . . then told me I have cancer.

I have cancer

Never have I been so physically moved by so few words. I gasped, cried, and listened. I’m still gasping, crying and listening (as my husband reads through the Breast Cancer Care booklet and describes the possible treatments and surgeries I’ll have – sweet, but more for his sake than mine at this point; I can’t listen at all).

And all the while I just can’t believe I have cancer. Me? ME? Are they sure it’s me?

I cannot fully believe it. I wonder if people who win lotteries share a similar disbelief.

Before, in the waiting room, I watched families and pregnant women filter through the system and get called into hospital rooms. They all looked so calm, like things were going to plan. Zsolt and I were planning on having kids soon, but that will have to wait. The nurse said there is a possibility of freezing my eggs, in case I don’t become fertile again after treatment.

More good news – did you know I could lose my entire breast? It’s not even unlikely. It’s a possibility. My tumour is near the nipple, and I have small breasts. Oh my god.

They’re sending me on scans to check whether the cancer has spread anywhere else. I’m praying it hasn’t. Praying very hard.

So I guess this will become a blog about cancer. My name is Catherine, and apparently – unless I can switch places with the latest lottery winner – I have cancer. Frig.

There will be more to write later. But for now, this is enough.

Oh yes, and I’m scared. That too. I’m really quite scared.

Waiting for results

Posted in Bumpboobs by

Well it’s Monday and I’m awake, un-showered and flipping through an online photo gallery of the MTV movie awards.  When nerve racking events are set in my life, my general response is to consume meaningless brain-candy entertainment and fill my time.

waiting for biopsy results

So today I’m filling time.

Yesterday my parents were finally told about the lump. That was fine. My mom was concerned, saying she wished I told her earlier. Fair enough, but this isn’t an simple reveal. It’s not easy to change a conversation about snagging gar on the Ottawa River with ‘hey Mom and Dad, there’s a lump in my boob’.

There’s a lump in my boob and it’s been biopsied, and I’ve got a touch of discharge too that worries me. So was there lovely weather on the river?

Anyhow, they’re now in the know, and soon I’ll be too. It’s 9.34 am, my appointment is at 2.10pm. Once I shower, dress, make lunch, wrap a present, go to the hardware store and pop into the post office, time will have flown. Then it’s back to the hospital and a new waiting room this time. The consultation waiting room.

It’s funny because at this same clinic they also do screening for early pregnancy. Ultrasound for tiny babies. Tiny babies instead of tiny bumps. I’d prefer waiting for those kind of results.

Okay – well, odds are on my side. That doesn’t mean a damn thing of course, because either I don’t have cancer, or I do. No one in my family history has ever had it. No woman. My family is more prone to Alzheimer’s, at least for the men. The ladies seems to go strong for quite a while.

And so will I. One way or another.

Just waiting.

Posted in Bumpboobs, Uncategorized by

 Dum dum dee dum. Feeling fine and not worrying; no point worrying. Maybe I’ve gotten it all out of my system. I suppose this is the ‘acceptance’ stage, except there’s nothing to accept except uncertainty.

 Oh, I do enjoy that last sentence and my overuse of the ex/ac sounds. Anyhow, just waiting and not minding. Just waiting.