Category Archives: Bumpboobs

A much needed sniff of rose.

Posted in Bumpboobs, Life, Uncategorized by

I have literally stopped and smelt the roses. It feels good, really good. This evening the sun was shining, the air was warm and I was walking home after a nice day of work.

It’s hard to say the core ingredient of my mood flip from yesterday to today, but this recent dose of sunshine is truly hitting the spot. I also think writing a lengthy email about my worries to a very good friend in Canada has helped lighten my load.

Not many people know about my concerns. Alright, fine – there’s this blog. But I’m pretty sure its readership equals zero, excluding myself, so in terms of telling people it is a small number. In fact, I’ve only told three: my husband, and my two friends.

Before arriving at the consultation, they ask you to fill in some sheets of information about ailments, background and family history. Except I haven’t told my family anything. They’re busy people; I realise they should be told, but they’re busy people and having more stress would only make things worse. Though it’s hard to have a conversation and not say anything. Each time we talk I feel like a water balloon being squeezed tight, ready to burst.

Today is my parents’ 34th wedding anniversary. Wow. So much can happen in thirty-four years. Lives happen in thirty-four years. I’m proud of them, they’ve been through a lot and are strong together. But today is their day. So I’ll keep my water balloon pressure and not mention anything till Sunday, then they’ll only have to wait one day for the results; me too, actually.

Feeling guilty.

Posted in Bumpboobs by

Today I realized that I feel guilty about being worried. I’m here blogging about the possibility of being sick, while so many people are struggling with greater things (e.g. the reality of being sick). I feel embarrassed, which must be why I haven’t put my name on this site. It’s not my ambition to complain, only to write things out. Chances are everyone waiting for results feels a similar mini crisis; before now the idea of cancer was never actually tangible. Even the possibility feels so strange. That’s just how I feel. Guilt shouldn’t be a factor, and while I cannot push away the feeling, at least writing lets me step back and realize it’s there.

Phantom bumps and cancer freak outs.

Posted in Bumpboobs by

Well, yesterday a combination of premenstrual hormones and the stress of waiting combined into a quiet freak out session when I realized there may (may, because I can’t quite decide) be another bump in my other breast.

This one feels different. It’s allusive, and can only be felt occasionally with deeply probing fingers. Actually, it feels more like a hard ball of jelly that squishes this way and that whenever I try to get a grasp.

My first reaction was ‘oh shit, again?’ F*&%k.

My second reaction was embarrassment. Because compared to my right breast, this bump is nothing. So nothing, I can already assume it would be a waste of the GP’s time. Besides, I’ve already been with one complaint, so to rush back in feels silly. . . Like I’m a scared woman who’s spent too much time thinking about breast lumps. (this may actually be true)

My third reaction was to calm the heck down, realize it’s right before my period (a time when my breasts usually swell and get sore) and I’m going to my consultation on Monday anyhow, so I can bring the issue up then. And yes, I will bring it up – because previous bump or not, I’ve got to take it all seriously. Right? Right. I can only imagine how many women are not getting their bumps checked because of doubt, or insecurity or embarrassment.

But we need to be practical, and practical advice says get it all checked.

Anyhow, it was a stressful hour. I work in a library and can’t loudly express how I feel, so instead I stared at the screen and started thinking about this blog: writing in it, drawing for it, releasing these feelings that don’t have many places to go.

I also emailed my husband. He replied with a lovely article on a some research showing that women with allergies are less likely to have cancer.  However to say I don’t have breast cancer because I have allergies (bad, bad allergies) feels like bargaining, and I don’t want to do that. Plain and simple, I just want to be healthy.

So that was my evening with the phantom bump. It might be there, it might not. It might be nothing, it might be something. Despite my assumptions and doubts, there’s no way to know till I have my consultation.

Yet another reason I look forward to Monday.