Category Archives: Bumpboobs

Welcome to the new blog!

Posted in Bumpboobs, Life by

Maybe you feel this sometimes, that the internet is real and yet not totally real? The people are real, our issues and experiences are real  . . . but we set up hashtag tribes, have our circle of friends, build our website homes and play in environments like Facebook, Instagram, the news pages, twitter, and it all kinda reminds me of a RPG game. There is a sense of constructed control here online, even when life keeps throwing curve balls, and yet, there is a sense of helplessness as I read the highs and lows of others sharing on the internet. Like the real world, life changes here too.

All of this to say, it’s time for another redesign on the blog, as you might have noticed.

Untitled

For one thing, most of the links are related to my writing rather than cancer. That doesn’t mean Bumpyboobs is all about the business. If it was, it sure wouldn’t feel real, and wouldn’t still be called Bumpyboobs. This blog has been a dear friend of mine during rather hard times, and those of you who read the posts have become part of that friendship. The truth is, I still need Bumpyboobs. She is there for me to talk about the highs and lows, and all the bizarre in-betweens. I prayed never to be a blogger who writes about stage four cancer from experience, but here I am.

Here I am – and yet, Bumpyboobs is so much more than that. This blog has chronicled my longing for that allusive sense of home. It’s traveled with Zsolt and I country to country. It was there for my wedding anniversaries. Together this blog and I have grown to reflect all the changes – good, bad, hard, fun . . . It was here for Zsolt’s PhD, the arrival of his residence visa, for my random story writing, the loss of my grandmother, the moving into our own place, and for the launch of my novel along with the Kickstarter campaign.

This blog is an ever-changing reflection of life, and I can dress it up however I please, which feels really good when life is a constant limbo game.

If you read this blog, than you know I love to write. The truth is, writing saved me when I was diagnosed, and taking that writing even further has saved me again when I learned about stage four. Instead of retracting away from obligations – I was compelled to run head first into them. It is totally exhausting, sometimes overwhelming, highly emotional, and occasionally plain stupid. However, ,there is a strong part of me that wants to live hard by writing more stories, raising funds, publishing books, loving design, getting creative, thinking of promotion, cheering on others, honouring amazing women, meeting more people, and continually reaching for the golden ring on the never-ending merry-go-round of life.

I’ve grabbed it before; I want to grab it again, and again, and again.

Cancer is on my mind every day. But it doesn’t own my passions or ambitions. It throws me toward the edge of depression. And in response I retreat into this creative space – telling more stories, writing silly nothings, thinking up plans that are bigger than I can tackle all at once. Sometimes I panic that I’ve done nothing with my life. Other times I remember that the ability to create and to care are valuable things.

I want Bumpyboobs to be part of “Catherine the Writer/Novelist” because these are real and present identities. It has been healing for me to be ambitious, even if it’s also terrifying along with exhausting. But this is a magical place (as I’m sure you know if you have your own blog, diary, journal, etc.) When I want something, I bring it to the blog (like The Adventures of Claire Never-Ending) to help it become real.

So what if this space is virtual – a home I’ve programmed that cannot be shown-off in the real world? So what? (I ask to myself, challenging my own insecurities). This is a fertile ground for ideas to grow. It’s a special thing, at least to me.

(By the by, what do you think about our lives here online? Do you see any difference between this and the more tangible world? Is this more or less powerful, or just different?)

Therefore, all that emotional preamble to say this: Welcome to the redesign of Bumpyboobs! It’s an accompaniment page to my website www.CatherineBrunelle.com, which is currently in redevelopment as well, to pull together the different hats I wear in my work and online. I’ll let you know when that is done.

Also to come, a change in my twitter name. Eep!! That’s a really hard one, but it needs to be done. I love Bumpyboobs, but this lady is much more than Bumpyboobs. Mind you, it’s damn hard to find a handle involving @Catherine___ that hasn’t already been taken!

Anyhow, it’s Saturday night! Enjoy yourselves! See you online 🙂

Finally some good news

Posted in advanced cancer, Bumpboobs, Life despite cancer, Treatment by

Every few months I get an x-ray of my lungs. This is done to check on the spots. You see, last summer when the spots were discovered by the CT, I’d also had an x-ray which didn’t show any cancer. The spots were too small to appear on that less precise form of x-ray imagining.

Therefore, I’ve had an x-ray since then with the idea being, if no spots show up than the cancer is stable. Truth be told, I am having a hard time handling these little hurdles in the metastatic way of life, and so I didn’t blog about their coming or their going. There was nothing to say, I was stable – i.e. nothing showed up.

Last week I went for a CT scan. My oncologist, Dr. Canada , has had hopes of adding me to the latest promising phase three study, where I may have (it is randomized) been given that drug in testing Palbociclib, which seems very promising for ‘extending life’ – which is very good and yet not good enough, if you ask me. If there was any change in the scan, I would be eligible.

I didn’t write about this scan last week. I couldn’t. It felt like my world was about to crash. Mixed between normality were cracks of panic. And what is very hard in all of this, is that these scans and checks are now a way of life. One scan or x-ray will always be followed be another in a few/several months. Metastatic breast cancer, unlike stage three and below, has no end of treatment. It’s living scan to scan, and I wonder if anyone can become hardened against this.

But I don’t really want to talk about that today. So I will stop there. Today I’d rather look at the encouraging things.

I had my results yesterday. They were good. We went out in the evening to celebrate with my parents, because even if I do need to go through this every few months – good news is GOOD. It means something is being done right. The cancer tumors were not just stable, but had somewhat shrunk across the board. Shrinking is a good thing.

Lord, I’m doing so much right now. There’s the vitamin C, the Zoladex, the supplements, the emotional work. So it is hard to say what is working. Maybe it’s my body’s immune system? Maybe it was publishing my novel? Maybe it is just everything all combined? All I know is this is good news, and I need to keep on with the routine. News like yesterday’s is my motivation.

So there is the update. I’ve had so much support from everyone visiting Bumpyboobs and beyond with the diagnosis, the book, living well . . . so when there is good news like this, we need to celebrate. Never mind what comes next.

🙂

Happy faces for everyone. Even if mine is still a bit tentative!

By the by, one of my friends is a doctor at the hospital where I had my results. While waiting for Dr Canada to arrive (after the nurse ushered us into a small treatment room), my friend knocked on the door and came in to chat. This was a very good thing. Everyone should have surprise visits from their friends while waiting for potentially life-altering news. It takes the edge off. So a very big THANK YOU for doing that. And I loved your outfit too, by the way. Polka dots are awesome.

P.S. I might be going to something called Sex-a-palooza via some free tickets. So, there could be a post in that!

P.P.S. This song is sooo good! You are invited to dance in your chair while listening to it.

Lean In? Sometimes I’d rather Lean Away.

Posted in After treatment, Bumpboobs, Life, Life despite cancer, Writing by

So, I have an on-again, off-again book club, and one of the books we recently discussed was Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg. She is the woman in that popular TED talk, which exploded into a book/movement to ‘lean in’.

lean in

The book is for women in the workplace. Or rather, it’s for women who want to excel/climb the ranks in the workplace. She is essentially looking at why we don’t have more women leaders, and a LOT of that reason, according to Sandberg’s discussion, is about children/family.

That is to say, women anticipate having children, and so they back away from work. There are other aspects, but this point is one that interests me the most. Essentially, she suggests that even before meeting the loves of their lives, women are already planning their exit strategy for motherhood. And therefore, they are less ambitious in their jobs.

Okay, I can get that. In fact, I’ve seen that actually happen.

Now why am I talking about this today? Because I’m curious about leaning in from the perspective of cancer.

Sandberg argues women should lean in so that if they do have kids, when they return from their mat leave they will be in a good position. Focusing on advancing your career is worth it for the places it will take you, and because when you come back  to work you’ll be at a higher level.So, say instead of babies you have a possibly shorter life span on your mind. Are there similarities here? Should we ‘lean in’ and create a legacy of some kind? Does that kind of stuff even matter? Why bother leaning in if the clock is officially ticking? Is the assumption of illness, change, or even death reason enough to not go for a promotion or try to rise up in a company? Better yet, those diagnosed with stage four cancer – are we more likely to lean away?

Maybe it’s a matter of time. But that’s the one massive question that cannot be answered. It could be a year, it could be twenty years, it could be . . .  well, who the heck knows?

I’ve met one woman who choose to lean away. She was counting down the days till retirement and was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. Instead of retiring, she went on disability as she slid into depression. Somehow, to her, being on disability rather than being retired seems to equate to missing the golden ring. But then, I reckon the depression contributes to that perspective.  She is emotionally disconnected from joy, and that is really crap.

There are other women – younger ladies in the thick of motherhood, diagnosed with stage four and choosing to stay home. They’d rather spend time with their kids, and who is going to argue against that? That makes all kinds of sense to me. They are leaning into what matters most to them.

And then there is me. To lean in or lean away? This past autumn had me leaning in to get the book done and out. It was a very good decision, and what an experience. Also, I worked during that time too, even right after diagnosis when life was nothing but brick walls. Though to be honest, while we build Zsolt’s business I don’t have a choice whether or not to work. I must work. We need to eat and pay rent 🙂 Retirement isn’t an option. Heck, I’m only 31! There is nothing to retire.

But even if I’m working, should I be leaning in? Should I try to grow my career or be content as it is? Is it fair to my employers if I apply & get accepted for a higher position? What if I get sick again, and their investment comes to nothing? Is it selfish to lean in? Do I even want to lean in?

With my book it is different. I like to lean in because it’s just me. Either I sell or I don’t sell. Either I create or I don’t create. No one else is impacted. But even with writing . . . well, there are these scans every few months . . . there is that constant limbo. Life itself is an emotional stop and go.

There’s a point in here somewhere . Actually, no, there isn’t a point. There is a question: Do you lean in, and what does that even mean to you after being diagnosed (or someone you love being diagnosed) with cancer? And if someone told you time was limited, would your career even remain a focus?

What do you think? Leaning in post-cancer, leaning in at stage four . . .

I lean into what I love, that’s for sure. But as for the other stuff, I don’t know. I found myself not committing and using “I had cancer, so I don’t’ want to waste my time on crap that doesn’t matter” as an explanation for that – whether or not it is a good explanation. Honestly, I’d rather write short stories that make people smile. I’d rather capture someone’s story and help them feel special. I’d rather tweet and talk and doodle and create. I’d rather feel my heart get filled up with a job very well done. And most of all, I’d rather weave stories, even if it’s not catapulting me to the top of an organization, or even a bestseller list, it’s what I prefer to do. Now with the stage four, I feel that way even more.

Though as I said, I still need to pay my bills 🙂 And really, my dreams are much bigger than just paying bills. I want to buy property and travel and live well and realize some huge ideas that must involve success. So, despite stage four, and not knowing what the next scan will bring, I actually do want to lean in. I want to lean in on my terms and with what I love.

So that’s a little from me. Now it’s your turn:

Lean in . . . what does that mean after fighting for your life? I’d love to know.