Category Archives: Bumpboobs

Am I not paying enough attention to cancer?

Posted in advanced cancer, Bumpboobs, Canada, Finding Home, letting go, Life, Love, Novels and Stories, Writing by

Okay, so yesterday I spent my entire Friday in front of the computer webcam making a video. It was a heck of a lot of work for something that is totally basic – but there was the editing, the lack of a script (my dad taught me in elementary school to never public speak using a written script . . . so instead we’d write points and I’d talk around those ideas . . . and then in high school during my debating club days, it was the same situation. So yesterday, I figured I’d ‘go natural’ and just talk. Four hours later . . .), and then of course the editing of my rambles. But it was SO worth it. The final result is open and honest, even if not fancy. I reckon open and honest come first when asking people to fund your project.

Okay, so the reality is that in preparing for this kickstarter campaign, even though I’m a wee bit overwhelmed with its growing requirement of commitments and work, it’s freaking FUN.

I’m having fun.

And it was realizing that last week that scared the crap outta me.

During an interview with a fabulous local blog, Apt613, on the kickstarter book project, I was asked about how I could jump into such a big project with the news I’d just received? You know, where do I find the energy? And my only answer for that was that this is my energy because it’s my joy. I’m also kinda worried about what happens next once this goal is realized (with your help!). Where does that energy go?

And then the other day a neighbour said to my mom that she’d “heard your daughter isn’t doing well.” Which is fine, and so understandable. Except that I am doing well. For someone in my situation, I’m able to walk, there’s been no chemo as of yet, I have my hair, my energy is good, I can breathe . . . I am doing very well.

Screenshot!

Screenshot!

But having had these questions, they must have lingered in the back of my mind or something, because the other day I had a big pause moment where a feeling of panic suddenly overcame me:

  • Am I in denial?
  • Am I not thinking about the cancer often enough?
  • Is it going to blindside me again, because I’m not paying enough attention?
  • How often should this be on my mind, should I be scared? Like, right now and today, should I have fear?

Because when I work on my book publishing goal, those feelings . . . that fear . . . it kinda just turns off. Is it a good thing? Or am I being naive?

Last week I had a coaching session with this lovely lady named Camille Boivin. She’s from Ottawa and I work with her for her company Sister Leadership. Anyhow, Cam is full of generosity and a desire to help people connect with their emotions and ambitions. And when the cancer came back, we started working together not as client and writer, but as coach and person-who-needs-some-emotional-work-done. (That’s me.)

So last week in our session I was talking about this anger I’d been feeling. And somehow that discussion of anger turned toward a discussion of sadness. Because along with that anger, I was feeling deeply sad (and still do sometimes, like when I realized last week I wasn’t feeling shitty enough). So we honed in on that sadness. Cam asked me to look back over my life when I’ve felt similar feelings of sadness.

*In this case of metastatic cancer, I’d say the sadness isn’t just about the disease, but more so about potentially leaving my husband behind and hurting my family and friends. The idea is completely crushing.

So I began thinking back in time when I’d felt feelings of loss and sadness. School graduations. Ends of summers working abroad. Moving to a new country. Saying goodbye at airport. Leaving a beloved workplace. Losing my golden retriever . . .

And then Cam asked me this: “If you could go back with what you know now, what would you tell yourself in those moments of sadness?”

And I said to her, “that even though it hurt, good things were coming . . . and love doesn’t stop just because you are separated. The love keeps on going.”

Because from school graduations came new schools, clubs and friends (and I just attended the wedding of my first friend ever – we may not be together always, but the love stays); end of the summer working abroad brought me back home where I found a bookstore job and made more friends there (though I’ll always love the Jasper Kids from 2002);  In moving to a new country I left my family and best friend, but learned oh so much about being independent and made such incredible friendships with people who I still carry in my heart even after returning to Canada; saying goodbye at the airport always means I get to say hello to someone on the other end; leaving my work gave time and space for me to become a writer; and losing my dog – well, that still hurts but the love doesn’t fade. Not one bit.

So I guess if I could go back to those moments when I felt that sadness, I would just tell myself that I’m not leaving the love and by moving forward more good things are going to happen.

Since that conversation I’ve felt a lot less angry, a lot less sad. I’ve been to doctor appointments, blood draws, chemo wards, searching for clinical studies, urine samples, meds from the pharmacy, acupuncture . . . but I’m not grieving the Catherine of four months ago who was almost certain she was cancer-free.

Today I am here, and I’d rather run forward toward whatever good can be created. This kickstarter is part of that. Being proactive in my health is part of that. Not being sad has been a result of those reflections.

Is it normal? Will it stay forever? Is it denial? Is it really because I haven’t met with Dr. Canada? I just don’t know.

How often should I think of the cancer, and will it do me any good? Again, I just don’t know.

It’s so strange to wonder if I’m not fearful enough. I also realize I’m new to metastatic cancer, and therefore incredibly naive to its realities. Is there a right way to cope? I would actually really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences with this fear vs. life thing – is there any use in holding fear close? I’ve been happier this past week than I’ve been for a while, and that is quite precious in these times.

Anyhow. That’s all I have to say about that.  Now, back to work!

~Catherine

P.S.

To not overwhelm you with blog posts, I’m going to slip in the second excerpt from The Adventures of Claire Never-Ending. Meet Elizabeth (Amelia’s mother) and read her story here! If you want to sign up for an email notification when the project launches, you can do so here.

liz

Happy Bunny vs. Angry Bunny

Posted in Bumpboobs, Life, Novels and Stories, Writing by

Today is Sunday, and it’s a really beautiful day outside. We have lovely Sunday plans: farmer’s market in the morning, brunch with the family and then a friend is getting married – I’m entirely honoured to be invited to attend her incredible event. (While also thinking of another friend out west who was recently married, and wishing I could have been there.)

bunny

The past week has been hectic, with appointments flying out of the unicorn’s butt in magical rainbow bursts. Sorry, that’s weird, I saw a picture the other day and it made me laugh. But really, that’s just weird.

It’s been busy. I’m trying to implement some kind of push-back routine into my life, that involves things like mistletoe injections, coffee colonics, juicing, fresh garlic, Vitamin C IV treatments (more on that later), visiting naturopaths, going to acupuncture clinics, trying to connect with a social worker, and maybe even moving from my most loved apartment since the neighbour downstairs is a chain-smoker who won’t be stopping anytime soon.

So, we’re pushing.

One thing is different in me, so I’m going to talk about it now. I have been getting very angry. First I was(still kinda am) a little angry with Dr. Canada for his bleak perspective of this situation. Then I became very angry with my downstairs neighbour who won’t take his smoking outside. And then, I became angry with my upstairs neighbour who kept us up all night with moving and other loud activities. And then, I became angry on a friend’s behalf over something someone said, which I think no one else even noticed or would have cared about.

It’s not like I’m taking my anger out on these people. But Zsolt gets an earful.

And it’s not like I’m walking around angry every second, because there are awesome things happening too . It’s just that I get ANGRY quickly. My fuse has been cut very short. I suppose my ability to recover still remains, but it’s hard to shake off this deep bubbling anger – it’s like a lava that wants to explode and keeps looking for avenues of eruption. I’m not really sure where to direct the energy. Can I tell-off an innocent stranger, neighbour or doctor just because I’m a walking time-bomb of emotion? No.

So where does it go? I literally have no idea. Ideas are welcome.

But in the meanwhile some good things are happening too. The other day I wore an awesome outfit that included a green shirt, black skirt and a bright orange belt. I felt so very pretty, and that was a good help because it was also the day I went for the diagnosis. But even amongst that crap, I am pleased with that lovely outfit. (So you can see now how often I dress up:. not enough!)

Last night was a lantern festival here. It’s amazing to walk through the darkness and let your eyes settle onto these randomly glowing lanterns and light sculptures. I felt outside of myself and lost in that night-feeling. It’s a wonderful thing.

Blogging will be taking another step forward in this beloved neighbourhood, Vanier, where I live, and I’m so excited to be involved! More on that later.

And then just this morning my friend Ian Kirkpatrick said he’ll work on my book cover! I’m absolutely thrilled. We met Ian and his gorgeous/brilliant wife back when we first moved to England. Since then his art has seemed to explode in all kinds of cool directions. It’s wonderful to see your friends succeed.

Oh, and tomorrow I’ll be meeting with a very well established erotic romance author and friend to talk ebooks. Exciting!!!

I’ve started an email list for anyone who wants to be notified when my crowd funding goes live in September. Seeing the names pile up on that list makes me realize that this is real, and that is awesome. I want this to be REAL. If you want to read about the book, you can do so here (I’ll soon be posting excerpts). If you want to sign up for an email once we get rolling with the campaign, you can do that here too!

And now: Time for a farmer’s market!!

Not awesome news

Posted in Bumpboobs, Life by

I don’t have too much to say today. The news is as expected – the breast cancer has come back, and it is in my lungs. Dr. Canada was very kind and caring as always, but his message was a difficult one to hear. Essentially, he told me to get on it if I have any ‘big wishes’.

The cells appear to be weakly estrogen positive, which isn’t great news (it would be much better if they were strongly estrogen positive like the first time, but I guess it changed). But nevertheless, we will try turning off my ovaries for a couple months and see what effect that has. If the cancer is held at bay – then great! If not, then chemotherapy will happen.

But man, he paints a bleak picture. Basically saying how (which I already know) cancer can keep coming back approach after approach. He also said we’re going to have to depend upon future treatments that are being developed. So FUCK in a FUCK BUCKET because while that’s nice and all, “future” isn’t today, and today is when I could really use a cure to this disease. And then he was saying that when people have a ‘limited amount of time’ they don’t want to spend it being sick with chemotherapy. I hate to say this, but he doesn’t really sound hopeful, does he?

Don’t worry, I’ll get my positivity back. I have a disposition toward optimism.

I guess the good news is that today I’m not dying. Today I just have cancer. Right now I can breathe, and walk, and function – which means I can try every damn thing available (and affordable) to beat the fucker back. I’m going to see what happens with alternative approaches alongside the medical ones. Dr. Canada gave me two months before checking in on the cancer again, so I’m going to be doing my very, very best in that time. It’s literally the least I can do.

And today I guess we’ll lay in bed and cry a little bit. Then tomorrow we’ll get up, get going and keep pushing back. That’s about all I can promise for now.

I wish this could have been a post for miracles, but maybe they’re still working their way over? Who knows? Each day is a freaking miracle, that much I know for sure.