Category Archives: Life

Sexism Surprise!

Posted in Food, Fun, Life by

Today I went with my best friend to the Ottawa Cookie Jam. This is a local event, and I think this was its very first year. Overall I’d say there were pros and cons, but the idea and the vibe have so much potential. I look forward to seeing this cookie party growing bigger and richer as each year passes.

sexism surprise

Anyhow, so we went to look at cookies. Of course, the only problem was that most cookies were already gone by the time we arrived – which was 25 minutes after the doors opened. So no pretty cookie pictures for you, because I was too busy running around trying to get the cookies before they all disappeared!

(Maybe next year they should stage the servings, or have more cookies. There’s so much cookie potential!)

Mind you, I’m not meant to be eating cookies in the first place. Since the diagnosis of stage IV, I’m really trying to cut all the sugar. My latest vacation wasn’t too helpful in this area, but I guess God was looking down upon my friend and I today, and said: No MORE SUGAR! So that I restricted my cookie temptation.

However, we did get our 8 cookies worth, and we brought them back to her brand new home in Vanier for a tasting. I mostly just ate one cookie – maple walnut, which was gluten free, lovely, and not too sweet at all . . . but overall it was lovely. We met some more friends and had dark tea with cookies.

Lovely!

But to backtrack slightly, as we left the cookie event we decided to walk home from downtown. This meant we had to walk pass one of the best schwarma places in Ottawa. [Schwarmas are like gyros, pitas, kabobs, donairs etc.] So I thought, “Hey, I’m gonna get dinner and lunch for me and Zsolt.” Their chicken platter is so big, it can stretch two meals for two people eating ‘not too big’ portions.

Right, so my friend and I go into the take-out place on the way back home. And we go in, there’s no line-up. We go up to the counter where two men are standing.  . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

And eventually one of them says, “Hi.”

So I said, “Hi,” and then—

THEN he turns back to the other guy, both of their backs to us, and keeps talking to his buddy.

So my awesome friend says very loudly, “Can we get a chicken platter?”

And this dude behind the counter turns back and says something like, “Okay.”

He makes the food. I go and pay.

. . .

. . .

. . .

After I pay, I am waiting for my food to be passed over. But he’s helping the next people, a couple. Finally, he gets the chicken ready for my order . . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

Then eventually passes it to me.

And as this is all happening, at some point during this exchange since it’s taking SO much time, the less naive side of myself wakes up from her nap and thinks: he is doing this because we are women.

It’s true. I mean, he didn’t say anything like “You Are Women, Therefore You Wait”. . . but he was quick enough in serving the couple behind me and both my friend and I came to the exact same conclusion.

So where does that leave me? In one of the best schwarma places in town, I encountered something I’d never expected to encounter here in Ottawa .  . . sexism from a guy who isn’t even yet my age. And it wasn’t even your expected body-objectification type sexism . . . it was, ‘you aren’t good enough for me to notice you’ type sexism.

WTF?

Of course, since he didn’t hold up a sign saying “I’m one heck of a sexist jackass” I can’t prove the situation was 100% sexism, but it did feel 100% like sexism.

So it makes me wonder, are we being naive to think sexism isn’t happening all the time around us? Well of course it is! And maybe we’re sexist to men, maybe men are being sexist to us, maybe it’s a cultural thing, or an age thing, or a class thing, or a media thing, or a one-individual-who-can’t-get-his-head-out-of-his-ass thing . . .  maybe it’s a lot of things. But it really leaves me extra unimpressed when it’s an intentional thing.

Anyhow, that schwarma shop isn’t quite so attractive to me anymore. That’s okay though, we’ve got many of these shops in Ottawa from which I’ve received excellent customer service when with girl friends. I love schwarma shops for the relationships you can make with the people behind the counter. Today was just ridiculous – so ridiculous it surprised the heck out of me.

And so there’s a little story about my sexism surprise. Plus, of course, the cookie jam. It was a wonderful Saturday, absolutely perfect in every way despite the dude whose head was too far up his ass. I loved today because it had nothing to do with the drama that has otherwise cast a shadow over my life. I loved the freedom of being with friends, going to events, walking through town and now writing it all down here.

So that’s all there is to that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go dance with my husband.

~Catherine

And . . . Go! The Big Project is live!

Posted in Fun, Life, Novels and Stories, Reading, Writing by

I can’t express how exciting this is. My big dream: To become a novelist. How is it happening? With your help and this kickstarter campaign. I’ll tell you what, I’m so freaking excited and giddy. So, I’ve drawn a cartoon to illustrate how much all of your support has been knocking me off my feet, and blowing my mind.

blow my mind

Today is day one of reaching that goal for publishing my novel, The Adventures of Claire Never-Ending. I won’t say again how much this means to me, because it’s said in the video on the kickstarter page, and I’ve written about it before in this blog.

What I will say is that there are two huge goals in this campaign:

1) Raise enough money to create this book.

2) Get this book into people’s hands. To imagine people sitting down with their cups of tea and reading my novel . . . to picture people meeting the Claires, having their favourites, resonating with the stories . . . it’s magical. And I can’t help but wonder in what ways will people connect with the ladies and gentlemen of this novel? There’s a ripple image used in one of the stories, and I’d like to apply it here. If one person reads the book, and passes it onto their friend, who passes it onto their friend – I just wonder how far the story of the Claires could go? It’s a dream and in this next month we’ll see what happens.

So yes – the campaign is live, please do pledge, pick up a copy and share.

Also, not to distract you but I’ve got to share this too: Apt613 has written a piece on my writing/project, and I’m so totally thrilled with it. If you’d like to read it, click here and check it out.

Am I not paying enough attention to cancer?

Posted in advanced cancer, Bumpboobs, Canada, Finding Home, letting go, Life, Love, Novels and Stories, Writing by

Okay, so yesterday I spent my entire Friday in front of the computer webcam making a video. It was a heck of a lot of work for something that is totally basic – but there was the editing, the lack of a script (my dad taught me in elementary school to never public speak using a written script . . . so instead we’d write points and I’d talk around those ideas . . . and then in high school during my debating club days, it was the same situation. So yesterday, I figured I’d ‘go natural’ and just talk. Four hours later . . .), and then of course the editing of my rambles. But it was SO worth it. The final result is open and honest, even if not fancy. I reckon open and honest come first when asking people to fund your project.

Okay, so the reality is that in preparing for this kickstarter campaign, even though I’m a wee bit overwhelmed with its growing requirement of commitments and work, it’s freaking FUN.

I’m having fun.

And it was realizing that last week that scared the crap outta me.

During an interview with a fabulous local blog, Apt613, on the kickstarter book project, I was asked about how I could jump into such a big project with the news I’d just received? You know, where do I find the energy? And my only answer for that was that this is my energy because it’s my joy. I’m also kinda worried about what happens next once this goal is realized (with your help!). Where does that energy go?

And then the other day a neighbour said to my mom that she’d “heard your daughter isn’t doing well.” Which is fine, and so understandable. Except that I am doing well. For someone in my situation, I’m able to walk, there’s been no chemo as of yet, I have my hair, my energy is good, I can breathe . . . I am doing very well.

Screenshot!

Screenshot!

But having had these questions, they must have lingered in the back of my mind or something, because the other day I had a big pause moment where a feeling of panic suddenly overcame me:

  • Am I in denial?
  • Am I not thinking about the cancer often enough?
  • Is it going to blindside me again, because I’m not paying enough attention?
  • How often should this be on my mind, should I be scared? Like, right now and today, should I have fear?

Because when I work on my book publishing goal, those feelings . . . that fear . . . it kinda just turns off. Is it a good thing? Or am I being naive?

Last week I had a coaching session with this lovely lady named Camille Boivin. She’s from Ottawa and I work with her for her company Sister Leadership. Anyhow, Cam is full of generosity and a desire to help people connect with their emotions and ambitions. And when the cancer came back, we started working together not as client and writer, but as coach and person-who-needs-some-emotional-work-done. (That’s me.)

So last week in our session I was talking about this anger I’d been feeling. And somehow that discussion of anger turned toward a discussion of sadness. Because along with that anger, I was feeling deeply sad (and still do sometimes, like when I realized last week I wasn’t feeling shitty enough). So we honed in on that sadness. Cam asked me to look back over my life when I’ve felt similar feelings of sadness.

*In this case of metastatic cancer, I’d say the sadness isn’t just about the disease, but more so about potentially leaving my husband behind and hurting my family and friends. The idea is completely crushing.

So I began thinking back in time when I’d felt feelings of loss and sadness. School graduations. Ends of summers working abroad. Moving to a new country. Saying goodbye at airport. Leaving a beloved workplace. Losing my golden retriever . . .

And then Cam asked me this: “If you could go back with what you know now, what would you tell yourself in those moments of sadness?”

And I said to her, “that even though it hurt, good things were coming . . . and love doesn’t stop just because you are separated. The love keeps on going.”

Because from school graduations came new schools, clubs and friends (and I just attended the wedding of my first friend ever – we may not be together always, but the love stays); end of the summer working abroad brought me back home where I found a bookstore job and made more friends there (though I’ll always love the Jasper Kids from 2002);  In moving to a new country I left my family and best friend, but learned oh so much about being independent and made such incredible friendships with people who I still carry in my heart even after returning to Canada; saying goodbye at the airport always means I get to say hello to someone on the other end; leaving my work gave time and space for me to become a writer; and losing my dog – well, that still hurts but the love doesn’t fade. Not one bit.

So I guess if I could go back to those moments when I felt that sadness, I would just tell myself that I’m not leaving the love and by moving forward more good things are going to happen.

Since that conversation I’ve felt a lot less angry, a lot less sad. I’ve been to doctor appointments, blood draws, chemo wards, searching for clinical studies, urine samples, meds from the pharmacy, acupuncture . . . but I’m not grieving the Catherine of four months ago who was almost certain she was cancer-free.

Today I am here, and I’d rather run forward toward whatever good can be created. This kickstarter is part of that. Being proactive in my health is part of that. Not being sad has been a result of those reflections.

Is it normal? Will it stay forever? Is it denial? Is it really because I haven’t met with Dr. Canada? I just don’t know.

How often should I think of the cancer, and will it do me any good? Again, I just don’t know.

It’s so strange to wonder if I’m not fearful enough. I also realize I’m new to metastatic cancer, and therefore incredibly naive to its realities. Is there a right way to cope? I would actually really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences with this fear vs. life thing – is there any use in holding fear close? I’ve been happier this past week than I’ve been for a while, and that is quite precious in these times.

Anyhow. That’s all I have to say about that.  Now, back to work!

~Catherine

P.S.

To not overwhelm you with blog posts, I’m going to slip in the second excerpt from The Adventures of Claire Never-Ending. Meet Elizabeth (Amelia’s mother) and read her story here! If you want to sign up for an email notification when the project launches, you can do so here.

liz