Category Archives: Uncategorized

Merry Christmas!!! (But not a Christmas post)

Posted in Life despite cancer, Treatment, Uncategorized by

2 AM post

Today was a very good day. Really it was lovely. Dr Canada prescribed me some pills, and after two days of being unable to eat – finally I have both appetite and some strength.

Plus my family visited today. Zsolt and I are staying at my parents house for Christmas, and stayed all of last week for not eating, etc, and my brother, his lady and my brother came over.

In addition, I had just enough energy to go to my friends’ annual Christmas Eve Eve party, which is in a bar and relaxed.

So compared to yesterday this was a Christmas miracle.

Another interesting thing about having mets to the brain, is (apart from being unable  to eat or feel my face) truly bizarre side effect of lucid visions. Not when I’m ‘awake’ but the minute I close my eyes and try to sleep I see things. Weird and beautiful and distracting things. Mostly I see what looks like cross stitch patterns you might see in a tapestry. Except it is a very clean tapestry and if the vision allows me, I can go in incredibly close to examine the details.

I tried to envision an apple – simple right? What I got instead was this pattern of colour-apple green-stitched in small bundles ultimately forming small squared  stitched upon a basic bed of cold grey wove together. And as I watched, more apple green stitches appeared, and I realized they were right up to my face, essentially touching everything I saw.

 

So, pretty fudge buckets weird or what. Because this wasn’t a dream. I was trying to entire an apple to form from the ether and never expect. By the by, when I open my eyes – I STILL see these objects.

Another vision was of Marie Antoinette with her courtesans in some French garden yard. Except I could see the incredibly fine details of her dress. And I stared more intently at this, the texture began to pour down the back of the dress like black sand emeralds, till all the courtesan and Antoinne morphed into sand and stepped into a wall.

Then I blinked and was back with my husband, the wall lost in the whiteness of his t-shirt.

In time I hope to either get ride of this or get used to it.

In the meanwhile….weird-oh-rama.

It’s reasons like this I’m not keen to try weed again. Life is already enough of a trip.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE!!! There are many ways to be kind to one another. And in the wake of yesterday, many of you have founds way to express that to me and Zsolt. Thank you.

PS as I wrote this at 2 AM, I am amazed any one ‘reading this’ was about to understand the incoherent blurb of text that it is! Well done you folks. I’ve tried to fix it a bit today.

It’s hard

Posted in Uncategorized by

I really don’t want to repeat the words Dr Canada said to Zsolt today. I don’t want to repeat them because I truly don’t know how to deal with all this. Life shouldn’t be measured in years- it should be measured in experiences, and contributions and love. Each day is a gift. And quite frankly, I’ve been one of the luckiest people I know. So many things worked out when most needed. Life has been filled with friendship and love, with beauty and exploration, with laughter and family. Most fortune, I found the love of my life and knew right away. Zsolt and I have wasted no time in this life. I hold no regrets.

 

Except, of course, for the reality of leaving him. This is something I truly struggle to face. Dr Verma said some rather blunt words to us today. Words that are much less about hope and far more about facing the current situation. And we are going to face the current situation. And it is scary. I worry about the process of dying. It’s terrifying. And I worry about leaving my husband behind. There would never have been enough time between us – but time isn’t what matters – just living as best as can be lived and loving as hard as possible.

It’s hard. It’s Christmas, and it is hard. But you know, we’re still so blessed. So very, very blessed.

If I must choose, I choose OIL

Posted in Bumpboobs, Canada, Fun, Life, Life despite cancer, Reading, Uncategorized by

Zsolt said to me the other day, I’m haven’t checked your blog in a while – which made me go, eep… I haven’t written in a while. The last post wasn’t exactly uplifting, so what I am going to write here is a very brief summary of things. Stories may come from these, but at the moment they are all just things.

September is the month of scans. As the chemo continues every three weeks, it is now time to see if it is actually working. Fingers crossed. After a summer of blissful ignorance, it will soon be back into the consultation to receive results. Oh do I hate these moments.

The Ottawa International Writers Festival is kicking back up. This is great news because of the great conversations that take place. This year I’m hoping to catch Margaret Atwoood on The Tempest, Madeline Thein and other panel members on The Ever Present Past, and perhaps I’ll go to Charlotte Gray’s The Promise of Canada. And of course, I’ll be bringing along my microphone to see what others think of the show. These event fit somewhat well around my chemo schedule – those Atwood and Thein are only shortly after treatment, and I’m quietly slightly a bit worried that I’ll have to skip them.

OH I started an art class. We have a choice in the class: paint with acrylics or paint with oils. There is no switching mid-course. My brother and I visited the art store together, and noticed that oil paint is WAY more expensive than acrylic paint. Therefore, at the class I decided to paint with acrylics. UNTIL I went down into the gallery at the school. All my favourite pieces were painted in Oil. AND I have always wanted to paint with oils. The medium intimidates the HECK out of me, for some reason. But you know what? It’s time to stop being afraid of failure. And it’s time to see past the price difference and decide what will bring joy. My gut says oil.

By the by, our art teacher is charming. However, she has this need for things to be captured properly proportion-wise.  In terms of details, I am not meticulous. Details are so boring. If I draw a terrible milk jug, it is highly like that I don’t care two bits about that milk jug and would rather focus on the tea cup. Like writing, when drawing, I edit out all the boring bits and prefer to just focus on my focus. It’s the portraits of Manet that struck me long ago with this approach – focus on the focus, and give little detail elsewhere. Art school rebel = ME! Let’s see how that turns out, eh? (Though I do agree that contrast and tone are essential)

One more thing about that. The class is in the middle of the day, middle of the week and it’s all younger women. What the what? Seriously, I anticipated being the youngest in the room. Rather, I’m one of the oldest. This makes me feel wise with my years.

Um.

Work – I am working part-time. YES. It is going very well. And speaking of work – disability. What the heck is it? How does it work? Am I eligible? My oncologist wrote me a letter explaining to Service Canada why I am not able to work full time anymore, and how I will likely never be able to do so again. It was one GRIM letter. No sugar coating the impact of stage four cancer in that letter. I should never have read it, but he did the right thing in writing so openly about everything. But seriously, I never, ever, ever should have read it.

Heck yes, I’m using oil paints. Life is to be lived.

Books! Well, apart from the Amnesty International Book Club (facebook link!) which sparks some pretty fascinating conversations, I am just about to finish All the Light We Cannot See, which I picked up upon recommendation from a friend. It is fantastic. Gripping, beautiful, immersive, and so excellent story telling. It takes you through some hard things, but keeps you flying as you pass. This novel is worth reading. Go to your bookstores or libraries, read, savor . . .

And speaking of books to read, my friend Don Kerr who I met through facingcancer.ca, is in the process of kickstarting his account what it’s like to support someone diagnosed with cancer. About five years ago, his wife Kate was diagnosed with breast cancer. Don began to blog at facing cancer about his feelings, and how he found his way in supporting his wife. He is open and honest – and maybe, probably, other care-sharers/givers would benefit from such a book. Or for those trying to understand their partners as they support them, to read someone’s perspective.

Here is the link. Visit and consider buying a copy to support Don’s great initiative.

And seriously that is all. Life is thankfully busy at the moment, and alternates between good days and harder days. I do not feel like being specific, because I am so tired at the moment, and therefore, this blog post is done.

Like a pancake.

Hmm, I miss eating pancakes.

🙂