Waiting for results

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Well it’s Monday and I’m awake, un-showered and flipping through an online photo gallery of the MTV movie awards.  When nerve racking events are set in my life, my general response is to consume meaningless brain-candy entertainment and fill my time.

waiting for biopsy results

So today I’m filling time.

Yesterday my parents were finally told about the lump. That was fine. My mom was concerned, saying she wished I told her earlier. Fair enough, but this isn’t an simple reveal. It’s not easy to change a conversation about snagging gar on the Ottawa River with ‘hey Mom and Dad, there’s a lump in my boob’.

There’s a lump in my boob and it’s been biopsied, and I’ve got a touch of discharge too that worries me. So was there lovely weather on the river?

Anyhow, they’re now in the know, and soon I’ll be too. It’s 9.34 am, my appointment is at 2.10pm. Once I shower, dress, make lunch, wrap a present, go to the hardware store and pop into the post office, time will have flown. Then it’s back to the hospital and a new waiting room this time. The consultation waiting room.

It’s funny because at this same clinic they also do screening for early pregnancy. Ultrasound for tiny babies. Tiny babies instead of tiny bumps. I’d prefer waiting for those kind of results.

Okay – well, odds are on my side. That doesn’t mean a damn thing of course, because either I don’t have cancer, or I do. No one in my family history has ever had it. No woman. My family is more prone to Alzheimer’s, at least for the men. The ladies seems to go strong for quite a while.

And so will I. One way or another.

Just waiting.

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 Dum dum dee dum. Feeling fine and not worrying; no point worrying. Maybe I’ve gotten it all out of my system. I suppose this is the ‘acceptance’ stage, except there’s nothing to accept except uncertainty.

 Oh, I do enjoy that last sentence and my overuse of the ex/ac sounds. Anyhow, just waiting and not minding. Just waiting.

A much needed sniff of rose.

Posted in Bumpboobs, Life, Uncategorized by

I have literally stopped and smelt the roses. It feels good, really good. This evening the sun was shining, the air was warm and I was walking home after a nice day of work.

It’s hard to say the core ingredient of my mood flip from yesterday to today, but this recent dose of sunshine is truly hitting the spot. I also think writing a lengthy email about my worries to a very good friend in Canada has helped lighten my load.

Not many people know about my concerns. Alright, fine – there’s this blog. But I’m pretty sure its readership equals zero, excluding myself, so in terms of telling people it is a small number. In fact, I’ve only told three: my husband, and my two friends.

Before arriving at the consultation, they ask you to fill in some sheets of information about ailments, background and family history. Except I haven’t told my family anything. They’re busy people; I realise they should be told, but they’re busy people and having more stress would only make things worse. Though it’s hard to have a conversation and not say anything. Each time we talk I feel like a water balloon being squeezed tight, ready to burst.

Today is my parents’ 34th wedding anniversary. Wow. So much can happen in thirty-four years. Lives happen in thirty-four years. I’m proud of them, they’ve been through a lot and are strong together. But today is their day. So I’ll keep my water balloon pressure and not mention anything till Sunday, then they’ll only have to wait one day for the results; me too, actually.