try to keep living until you feel alive again

Which is what I will try to do.

It’s official, I’m being moved to pallative care. Zsolt and I visited with Dr Canada who, and he officially bowed out. There is nothing more that he can offer in the form of treatment. Now I move into a different circle of suppourt that involves home visits, wheel chairs, IV for hydration and more. It is very hard to accept. But I will do as the saying goes – try to keep living until I feel alive again.

In the meanwhile, I’ve just today discovered that I enjoy filtered apple juice.

This is all I can manage to type. It’s a sad day for us.

This and That

Chances are that if i spend much time editing or worrying over this post it will never get written. We went to see the doc last week. Turns out the hard mass is the result of the cancer, but is fluid, not a mass. At least now I imagine the stuff being drained, drained away.

The more challenging news is he doesn’t want to put me back on treatment until I am stronger. Right now I am desperately weak. So, it could mean I will try again, and it could mean there is no more trying. I feel conflict between these realities. I want to be strong, treatment could do that, but also treatment makes me weak. I really want to feel good and healed, but i am really tired of swallowing pills on which I choke

However, very good things happened this weekend. It was my wedding anniversary! 8 years married. 12 years together. I like those numbers. šŸ™‚

To celebrate, we stayed at a resort called The Opinicon. It was wonderful! The cabins are all so beautifully redone. It has a classic vibe mixed into modern taste and highly clean rooms. There is a fresh feeling in staying there – fresh air, fresh paint, fresh sheets, fresh mind. Our cabin, Juniper, faced the lake. And even though it was close to the golf cart maintenance road the cabin was perfect in all ways. Because it is close, the cabinĀ  is accessible via wheelchair. The grounds held an ice cream parlour, there was a beautiful main lodge, a kitchen garden and in time there will be a pool, hot tub, and very long dock.It is located somewhere between Kingston and Ottawa, next to Chavey’s Locke.

Unfortunately, I find myself knocked out and unable to write more.

nap NAP nap nap nap.

That is all.

PS. I’m test driving a wheelchair – weird



Ball of nerves

Today I feel quite wound up. A ball of nerves. Emotional.

Today I go visit the oncologist, and I’m already feeling nervous. It will be little surprise, whatever the latest tests say. The ball in my abdomen is hard and growing. Clearly it’s more cancer, or inflammation from more cancer. I can feel it growing all over my body in little balls.

Last night I had a dream. In thisĀ  dream, I was laying downstairs in my bed, as ever, thinking about getting up. And Zsolt was calling me from away to rise and shine. So I did – rose and put on my clothes, including the bathrobe I find myself in too often. And I drag myself up theĀ  stairs, and as I finally reach the kitchen, there is my whole family with a birthday cake just for me. Dad, as per his goofy self, starts trying to sing his own unique version of Happy Birthday, but I put both hands on the counter and insist upon the classic version. The cake is strawberry short cake. Now, all of a sudden, my golden retriever shows up in the kitchen too! She’s so happy to see me. I bend down to give her a good petting behind her lovely ears, and she’s still just giddy with excitement that I’m there – as if I had been away for a long time. Then I wake up and remember she died many years ago, and it is way too early for my birthday.

To see her and stroke her was wonderful. I wish I could see her again. Maybe I will one day? Depends on what happens after it happens. Could be anything.

Anyhow, now I’m here in bed writing this post. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a good cry. Feels like I’m due for one soon. Then again, as Zsolt says, today isn’t the end of the world. But still, crying is allowed.