What I shouldn’t think

Here is a secret – and I’m going to write it down, right now. This is something that I’ve said before, and feel guilty about every time. The guilt just swarms me because it’s not only about fear, it’s also about pride.

So here is my secret. I am afraid that the cancer is going to reoccur. I am afraid it might spring up in another part of my body and go unnoticed, or even in my breast – maybe I could lose the other; I’m afraid that my efforts will be ineffective, afraid about the uncertainties, afraid that despite punching and visualizing and saying ‘I’m a fighter’ I’m ultimately a fool because this sick part of my body might come back and take over.

That’s my secret. It’s a thought I don’t want in my head. Preferably I would never, ever think it again – and I wish that having admitted to my worry it would dissipate from my mind; the thought would float away and never again would I doubt myself.

Positive thinking is very appealing, but also difficult. I might say I’m a fighter – but I’m also a worrier, and a thinker, and a feeler who has been swamped with emotions during the past two months. It’s embarrassing to imagine my determination could be for nothing. And it’s embarrassing to be embarrassed.

But it is good to be honest, which is why I’m writing this post. Hopefully it brings a little freedom, regardless of whether it banishes the thought. My secret is my doubt; it’s something I’m only starting to realize, and only starting to work around.

I guess we all worry that we’ll fail. There must be some natural instinct or programming that is ingrained in our psyches. Who knows .  .  . my psychology knowledge is up to a BA level, but that was  years ago and I don’t claim to be an expert in anything expect Zsolt, my front yard with the maple, that feeling when you write, and how to make a fabulous Eggs Benedict.

My name is Catherine, and I stress about reoccurance.Whew.

And now having admitted that, it’s time to move on.