What I shouldn’t think

Here is a secret – and I’m going to write it down, right now. This is something that I’ve said before, and feel guilty about every time. The guilt just swarms me because it’s not only about fear, it’s also about pride.

So here is my secret. I am afraid that the cancer is going to reoccur. I am afraid it might spring up in another part of my body and go unnoticed, or even in my breast – maybe I could lose the other; I’m afraid that my efforts will be ineffective, afraid about the uncertainties, afraid that despite punching and visualizing and saying ‘I’m a fighter’ I’m ultimately a fool because this sick part of my body might come back and take over.

That’s my secret. It’s a thought I don’t want in my head. Preferably I would never, ever think it again – and I wish that having admitted to my worry it would dissipate from my mind; the thought would float away and never again would I doubt myself.

Positive thinking is very appealing, but also difficult. I might say I’m a fighter – but I’m also a worrier, and a thinker, and a feeler who has been swamped with emotions during the past two months. It’s embarrassing to imagine my determination could be for nothing. And it’s embarrassing to be embarrassed.

But it is good to be honest, which is why I’m writing this post. Hopefully it brings a little freedom, regardless of whether it banishes the thought. My secret is my doubt; it’s something I’m only starting to realize, and only starting to work around.

I guess we all worry that we’ll fail. There must be some natural instinct or programming that is ingrained in our psyches. Who knows .  .  . my psychology knowledge is up to a BA level, but that was  years ago and I don’t claim to be an expert in anything expect Zsolt, my front yard with the maple, that feeling when you write, and how to make a fabulous Eggs Benedict.

My name is Catherine, and I stress about reoccurance.Whew.

And now having admitted that, it’s time to move on.

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8 thoughts on “What I shouldn’t think

  1. I am so glad that you let that out. And positive thinking alone only goes so far. So don’t hold back when we work together, lets release all the emotional blocks that we all have deep inside of us. The fear will still be there, but we can control it and take away it’s power.

    Love Ya Crazy

  2. Wow, you go fast!! you’re full of spirit thinking… clever and so lady, young gal!
    Disease isn’t a fail, it’s only a way of life, a moment of life. And often during this kind of journey, life becomes the most precious. That’s why, you’ll understand, it’s possible to be sick and totaly alive ! and sometimes only sick 😦 cause it’d be sometimes full job
    I felt the positive thinking too much heavy, i prefer the freedom of the true disease.
    I love your blog ! Bise!

  3. Thanks for your honesty , now it time to pass from the worrier state to the warrier behaviour against cancer.

    All together we are in there with you both.

    With love

    Andrée et Roland

  4. You know what-good for you for admitting that. It’s okay to be scared, just like it’s okay to be mad and it’s okay to be sad (rhyme unintended). You said you were going to write about the highs and the lows and you can’t be all light and sunshine every day. While getting that thought out may not mean it’s extinguished for good, it will definitely help alleviate some of your guilt and stress. You’re human-there’s no way you can’t be scared and those who say they aren’t are lying. So good for you for being honest-it only makes you that much stronger for admitting it.
    But remember this: your determination will NEVER be for nothing. Never, ever.

  5. Hi Catherine,

    Your dad’s comments are bang on. Don’t hold back on your emotions when working with him. He goes deeper with every session and there’s healing with every session. He helps to provide the spirit with clarity and strength to act. Action diminishes the fear.

    His work is awesome! I’ve gone through many boxes of Kleenex with him and will probably go through many more. Every tear I shed has been a healing moment. At times, the healing won’t be felt immediately; it may take a day or so to feel lighter, stronger, energized. You are in good hands!

    Take care.

  6. I’m with Sarah! Once you face the “truth” (fears for example), it’s a lot easier to get rid of them. You need to acknowledge something 1st before you can take care of it.

    You go girl! You are sooo inspiring to me 🙂

  7. Catherine: I took a long time in responding as I did not want to send you a happy perky “hallmark” type response. So here goes..some observations based on what life has shown me:
    Your journey is YOURS- I can’t ever say I know how you feel.
    Friends I have walked with in their journies with cancer have taught me this profoundly.

    None of us like the unknown, not being in control, or at least thinking we are in control..it helps us feel safe. I think this is why those phone systems that identify the caller have become so popular…takes the unexpected moment of wondering if it is a friend or a giftedly annoying salesperson for an odd product on the other end of the line. As kids lots of us had to check under the bed at night for the lurking dragon, monster, alligator which might be down there..some of us had to name them, greet them nightly and ask if they needed an extra pillow before being able to rest.

    Getting what we are afraid of out into the light help us deal with it and take the power of that fear away. Gives us an opportunity to look our enemy in the eye before as your Dad said “Kicking it in the Head”!!!!!!!

    In the times when a lurking dragon starts to close in you have a large support team covering you.

    We cover you in prayers of protection and pray that you feel God’s love carry you through this battle to fully renewed health.

    -Sandie

  8. Dear Catherine

    I have just finished reading all your writings so far.
    Thank you for all your sharing…..Thinking, praying etc every day about you and your family… You are an inspiration for all of us …..Like you said keep your eyes on the prize….go for the best .. you are doing it …every minute , every day….

    Much love to you and all your cells

    isabelle

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