I feel so lost. Reality is that my PET scan didn’t bring back favourable results. What shows up there aligns with the CT findings, and there are definite signs of metastasis in my lungs. My oncologist is now on the move to see whether I can somehow get Zolodex covered (which costs just under my monthly take of income) so that I don’t have to have my ovaries removed. Having the ovaries removed when you’ve been dreaming of having a family – that is one big step.
Having metastatic breast cancer is one big leap.
I feel lost in the jump.
And pretty fucking pissed off too.
I’m lost, and angry, and ANGRY, and sad, and so extremely concerned about leaving my wonderful husband behind, and nervous for what comes next – whatever it may be. I know the golden phrase now becomes No Evidence of Disease, a.k.a., remission. And so that is what I need to work toward, and maintain for as long as life allows me.
There’s this sliver of hope with the biopsy and something about ‘young people having differnt things’. But my doctor was not enthusiastic, and perhaps a bit of realism is starting to set in. One way or another, I really do enjoy being here and would quite like to stay at this party (with my husband and friends and writing and dreams, and maybe even hair, and a baby? Well…a family one way or another) for a whole load of time longer.
But today, today, today . . . I am lost. Biopsy is August 2nd, so we’ll see what they find.