Reality Bites

I feel so lost. Reality is that my PET scan didn’t bring back favourable results. What shows up there aligns with the CT findings, and there are definite signs of metastasis in my lungs. My oncologist is now on the move to see whether I can somehow get Zolodex covered (which costs just under my monthly take of income) so that I don’t  have to have my ovaries removed. Having the ovaries removed when you’ve been dreaming of having a family – that is one big step.

Having metastatic breast cancer is one big leap.

I feel lost in the jump.

And pretty fucking pissed off too.

I’m lost, and angry, and ANGRY, and sad, and so extremely concerned about leaving my wonderful husband behind, and nervous for what comes next – whatever it may be. I know the golden phrase now becomes No Evidence of Disease, a.k.a., remission. And so that is what I need to work toward, and maintain for as long as life allows me.

There’s this sliver of hope with the biopsy and something about ‘young people having differnt things’. But my doctor was not enthusiastic, and perhaps a bit of realism is starting to set in. One way or another, I really do enjoy being here and would quite like to stay at this party (with my husband and friends and writing and dreams, and maybe even hair, and a baby? Well…a family one way or another) for a whole load of time longer.

But today, today, today . . . I am lost. Biopsy is August 2nd, so we’ll see what they find.

60 thoughts on “Reality Bites

  1. YOU:
    -Keep you energy up.
    -Keep those positive thoughts reverberating throughout your body.
    -Know how much we are all thinking of you. And Zsolt, even though some of us haven’t met him.

    -Will do the crying for you.
    -Are pulling for you in every way, around every corner.
    -Will hold you tight in our cosmic hugs.


  2. We will pray and have faith that your biopsy will bring good news. You are strong, have a wonderful husband, and amazing parents and you will have your hair and your family. Sending positive thoughts your way.

  3. Oh Catherine, I am so sorry to hear this. Please hold on to that sliver of hope, even as you allow yourself all the natural anger and sadness. I will be thinking of you so much and sending good vibes your away as you approach Aug 2nd. I wish I could do something more, but I’m here if you want to talk/rant.

  4. Oh, Catherine, I’m so sorry. So very sorry to hear this. It’s just not fair. I hope it helps you to know your blog friends are holding you close and sending all good thoughts and best wishes to you, dear. xo

  5. Oh Catherine, I still don’t know the right words to say. I’m holding out hope for the biopsy for you but the feelings/thoughts you have right now must be so so tough and I hate hate hate that you are going through this. All my love and prayers. xx

  6. Catherine, I am so sorry to read about this distressing news. I don’t have any gems of wisdom to offer… Frankly, I’m pretty pissed off too now. All your blogging friends, me included, are out here for you, and if words could magically make things better, we’d all be set, right? Unfortunately our words can’t fix things, but I hope they help make you feel just a little less lost my friend. xoxo


    I am so pissed off right now… Just what you need, right? Someone to get angry….

    Really, that’s to hide the tears that are spilling at this very moment. I send you tons of love, sweet one… and I see us in a teeny cafe in Brooklyn. I hope you can still feel the hug because if I close my eyes and let my mind float, I feel it. Wrapping you in love….


  8. Oh Catherine I am so sorry about the pet scan and all of the disappointment that comes with a bad scan. I want you here for a very long time, and I am part of all of these loving friends that are wishing you great days ahead and hoping for a good result on August 2nd. This disease has so much complexities and puts so many unknowns in to your mind. I hate all of the not knowing and I wish I could wave a magic wand. You are so special. Love and hugs – Susan

  9. dear Catherine,

    I am not giving up one one single shred of hope. but I am royally, fuckedly pissed for all you are going through. I am putting that little piece of paper with the desired outcome front and center on my laptop, reading and saying aloud what I BELIEVE for you and for zsolt.
    again, my dear one, let’s all just hug onto one another tight, and hang on for dear life! we can do that, we can be big love and big hope, and we WILL be fucking cancer’s force to be reckoned with.

    so much love, so much hope coming across cyberspace and into your heart, your mind, your body and soul. HANG ON!

    Karen, xoxo

  10. Oh Catherine, that sucks, sucks, sucks. Reality sucks. For now. Be positive, sweet pea. Be strong. Fight that motherfucker cancer. Sorry, it just makes me so angry too. I’m so cross about it. Life’s just so stupidly unfair sometimes. No bloody rhyme or reason. Let your anger out, and the tears, throw yourself the biggest pity party ever and get all the bad vibes out. Then fight. Think positive thoughts, winning thoughts, peaceful-I’m-fine thoughts, calm-I’m-well thoughts. I’ll be thinking all of them for you too. xxxxx

  11. Dear Catherine, I’m so sorrry to see this crappy news. I will hold positive thoughts until I read otherwise and even then I’ll send positive hugs and wishes your way. Feel free to rant, cry, scream, whatever it takes. Just remember your blogging sisters are with you. xoxoo

  12. I’m heartbroken for you, Catherine. So saddened. Such fuckin’ shitty news! You’re young and have so much going for you, so much to live for, and I’m just going to hope and pray you’re one of the lucky ones who manages to keep it going for a long time. Sending you much love.

  13. Fuck. I’m sorry, but that’s the word for it, Catherine. I’ll keep praying that the biopsy will be clear. In the meantime, can I take you for a cup of tea one day or maybe a stroll along the Canal? We can talk cancer, or strictly avoid it. Your call. Your blogging friends want to rally around you and I’m glad to be here in town when you need us.

  14. I am with Grace on this one – I’ve just yelled out a big FUCK too. I am so angry and saddened and helpless darling Catherine – my heart is aching for you. Having said that, I am also with Julia in visualzing the best possible outcome for you. Holding you in love and light dearest friend – Marie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  15. Get angry, be sad, let your emotions run the gamut. Get it out. None of us will blame you, that’s for sure. Know that we are all thinking of you and hoping for the best.

  16. Hi Catherine, I’m sorry to hear about your bad news. It’s still pretty fresh so I understand how your thoughts will drift to “leaving the party”, but once you absorb the situation and get centered, I believe you’ll reject those thoughts and focus on remission, and go from there. Give it all you got and fight the good fight for remission. Decide to stay.

  17. Keep hoping. All the PET shows is cellular activity. Cancer is more active than normal cells, but so are other things. It is not 100% certain until biospy, and until it is, keep the faith.

    I’ve had mets for two years now; cancer for four. It’s been a long road but there is lots they can do and lots they WILL do, especially for younger women. I personally know people with mets in one site who are around 11 years past diagnosis with no signs of disease, so it is not impossible. I am still hoping to become one of them myself, as I just started cyberknife. Good luck to you and I wish you all the best.

  18. Oh Catherine… I am so angry for you that you are going through this. I too am holding on to that bit of hope that this is not the bad stuff. I am so thinking of you and sending you so much strength and love to get through this next period of waiting for answers.

    Major big hugs from Western Canada xo

  19. Catherine, Filled with sadness and anger reading your post. I’m so sorry for this deeply upsetting news. F*** cancer!
    It’s not right and it’s not fair!!!!!!
    I know you will find the strength and courage to move forward, no matter what the biopsy shows. But for now, my thoughts are with you during this very challenging time.

  20. Oh crap, not the news you wanted to hear, obviously! So sorry you have to deal with this – seriously, I think once people have to deal with an experience with cancer, they should get a free pass on anything else going forward. It only seems fair! Keeping my fingers, toes, arms, legs, eyes & everything else crossed for you – and sending tons of positive energy your way! xo

  21. 1st I am so sorry. This is the most sucky disease that just keeps on giving. I have had met bc for going on 5 years now. Stay pissed off. I know it is not a good way to be but it keeps you strong and fighting. My pain never lets me forget. Keep living your dreams only don’t let this disease take that away. CJ with Metavivors is living a great life for 13+ years now with lung mets. I will add you to my pray list.

  22. Catherine, I’m in tears over this. Cancer is a bitch, and I’m pissed off right with you. You have an online community supporting you. You have every right to be angry.

  23. Catherine,

    I have no words to say that will make anything better. I hate cancer. I hate that you have to face this. I am standing beside you in solidarity. Sending huge hugs from the West Coast and praying for best case scenarios with the biopsy. Wish I could meet you for tea. Terri xo

  24. Catherine, this news is total bat excrement. I’m just sick to hear this. Just know you have lots of cyber-sisters who care about you. I’m one of them. xoxo

  25. So sorry to read this. Obviously I am hoping for the best for your biopsy where you can get some conclusive answers. I will keep hoping for you. But I know what you must be feeling right now and what a crappy blow this is…and I want to punch lots of things for you. Thinking of you. xoxo

  26. Catherine, I don’t know you but I feel like I do. I’m sitting here in my highrise office in Chicago, trying to wrap up the days work when I took a facebook break and came upon this posting via “A Fresh Chapter”. Just know that there are so many people, strangers in fact, that are praying for you and hoping that you get everything you want, and more. It’s bad enough to go through this once, but none of us wants a re-do. Try to find some peace this weekend, and hopefully a smile finds its way to your face when you look around and know that even total strangers are surrounding you with love and hope.

  27. Catherine, we really, Really, REALLY need a “hate” button! I hate BC. I hate that this is happening to you. I hate that you had to hear the Big C word again. This really blows. I agree with everyone above me. Sending so many {{{hugs}}}…

  28. And love can heal, along with positive karma. As hard as it is, please fight this with every ounce of your being. I send love and good thoughts your way, through the universe. Anger is o.k. It is the first sign of your fighting this. I will have you in my thoughts and prayers. Yes, it sucks!

  29. Catherine, I just don’t know what to say. Fuck, Fucking Cancer, Fuck! You are in my thoughts and I am so sorry you are going through this. If I can do anything, you know where I am. sending you big loves x

  30. Pingback: Weekly Round Up | Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer

  31. Go ahead and be angry; no need to spend any energy trying to hold back what is natural and necessary. I have found that just allowing myself to BE is very helpful. How am I right NOW? Right now, pissed off; or comfortable, or hungry, or tired or perhaps content – just in this moment. Live in this moment – I have found it to be very helpful while going through this tough journey myself. Sending you love and peace, one moment at a time.

  32. Sending you many, many, many hugs. If love could cure cancer, you would be cured, so many people hold affection for you, me included. I’m so sorry, so pissed (I HATE CANCER!), and so….overwhelmed for you. I wish I could make it better. If there’s anything I can do….just ask, I’ll do it. In the meantime, I’ll be
    keeping healing thoughts for you in my thoughts and heart. XO

  33. Catherine, I’m so sorry for the news and will pray, pray, pray that they can quickly put it into remission and kick the FBC butt and you can get on with your life. Hugs today and everyday.

  34. Catherine, my heart breaks for you to have to be feeling these things. Sending lots of love and positive energy.

  35. Oh Catherine – words fail to describe how upset and angry I feel that you are faced with this. I had dropped out of the blogosphere for quite a while (disorganisation rather than intention), but no longer – I will be checking here frequently and sending every possible shred of hope and support through the cyberwaves from Darwin. For now, I’m hoping like mad that your biopsy brings good news. Please don’t hold back with the venting. Here’s to many more years at the party. Waving and blowing a big kiss from Darwin…

  36. Catherine for the last couple of months you have been leaving me sweet sweet messages on my blog posts. Your encouraging words mean a lot to me. This is the first time I’m commenting on yours. Although I do not know what to say. I am so sorry about your test results. You seem like a wonderful person with a great spirit and I hope you can keep that up! Much love and hugs!

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