When the Dr Canada walks into the room and begins to summarize things, I know it’s bad news. My question becomes, how bad is it? And I struggle to let him have his own process of summarizing before blurting out “What are the results?”
So no summarizing for you guys.
The spots in my lungs are growing again. There has been a 2mm-7mm change in size since the last scan. I suppose in the bigger picture, this can be characterized as a slower growth. But also, in the big picture it’s incredibly shitty news.
Not surprising news, though. If you look at my past four scans, you see first, a slowing down in the shrinkage, then a ‘stable state’ with suggestion of possible growth, and now clear evidence that the treatment is finally starting to wear off. That damn cancer is tricky. It changes, it pushes, it won’t fucking stop. It makes a fair argument that striving to live forever is really not a good idea for the environment in which we inhabit. (Obviously I’ve thought about this a little). Their lifespans should be up, and yet… they just keep on going.
Marcelle, my mom, says we need to push back harder. We need to be more stubborn than the cancer.
What happens next?
I am not really sure. Firstly, we wait to see if I can get onto an extended trial via the hospital for a new approach to inhibiting the cancer. That would be good. It throws a definite wrench in the Visit Hungary and Love Summer plan. But I think we can nevertheless be stubborn about that idea. Even if we don’t go the whole summer, there’s a nice plane travelling between Montreal and Budapest now, and I have hopes of using this as my personal shuttle to the continent.
And then the boxes are piling up in my kitchen, because we’re moving. Oy! Not sure what is going to happen now, but as we agreed upon earlier, there is no sticking around in that flat anymore. I can’t keep breathing that shitty smoky air.
Apart from this – I don’t know. We’re sad, and frustrated, and a little stunned to be honest.
We’ll get through all of this. But what is going to happen next? I have not got a clue. In my novel I have a line at the end of a few different chapters about what is going to happen next, and everything is going to be okay. It’s a nice deep inner faith that things will be okay, even when what that means is impossible to understand. What is okay?
Anyhow, for now that is all I have the energy to say.
FUCK.
Okay, I had energy for that extra bit. BOZMEG KORVA BAD SPELLING HUNGARIAN CURSE WORDS.
Okay, now I am done.
P.S. There is good news here too, actually. There’s no evidence of spread. It’s very good to hear.
Bumpyboobs ~CatherineBrunelleWrites 
♥…
Ah shit. Haven’t much more Catherine. We love you.
Thanks, Don. Love right back to you all.
I’m sorry to hear this. I’ve been praying for you for a long time. All I can say is that life here on the earth is relatively short for all of us. Ninety years, fifty, thirty…..it’s relative in the light of eternity. Turn your eyes to the eternal life, the one that follows this one. And the way there is through the One who is the way, the truth, and the life. And faith in that One is the path that will lead you to Him and your eternal destiny. It’s true for all of us, not just those whose journeys are shorter here, but for all of us! I’m sure you know who I am talking about.
Fuck fuck fuck. I’m so sorry. I want your blog, your story, to be about something other than cancer progression. Keep writing it, keep being stubborn, and please let us know what the next steps are. I hate this fucking fuck disease.
Bah! Me too, Jen! I’ll keep being stubborn, and keep pushing. For the moment it’s wait and see if I can get onto the study. But as for writing, it makes me way more happy to report on the ridiculous things my husband says, and our travel plans. May there certainly be more of those to come.
You are one hell of a chick. Your posts are direct to the point, not like the Dr banter banter. I’m gonna focus on what’s working in what I’ve read and see that no spread, good move to healthier home, travel and the energy for Hungarian swearing!
Thanks! We are trying to make things better. His banter is good, actually, just not when the news is bad! 🙂
Crossing my fingers for the trial.
Sending laser green flashes to cancer to back off completely.
And thinking of the strong ‘Claires’ in real life and from your novel.
Holding you in my thoughts Catherine. This is shitty news, but I love that you’re continuing to be stubborn and also planning for summer and your personal shuttle service to our corner of the globe. Sending love.
I’m so sorry, Catherine.
BOZMEG KORVA – liked the sound of it and I think the meaning. I’m so disappointed for you. I want you on that plane and I want everything to be okay. In the meantime, I’m sending hugs.
So sorry to hear the news, Catherine. Hope there’s good news soon. xo
Thanks, Lynn. I realized one silver lining this evening while looking over the writers festival schedule, I might be able to make it to Blog Out Loud. 🙂
Well..crappy sneaky cancer! I’ll say like you’re mom…time for a war. Xoxox
Hi Catherine, I’m sorry about the incredibly shitty news. I certainly hope you get into that trial. And I definitely want to read more about the ridiculous things your husband says, your travel plans and whatever else you decide to share with us. More cursing is always fine and dandy, too, when and if you feel the need. Sending hugs.
Fucking shit! Sending love.
Hi Catherine, your post was the first in my feed tonight and I wish it wasn’t this shitty news. Sending you everything I’ve got right now and hope you get into that trial. I’m feeling optimistic though that it hasn’t spread. Love to you!
Bozmeg, for sure (one of the few Hungarian words my grandma taught me and the only one I remember). I’m sorry you got difficult news. I hope you get onto this trial and that you get to go to Hungary, for at least a little while.
Sorry to read this Catherine, I’m sure getting news like this must be so difficult to process. Hopefully it will get a bit easier in the coming days once you figure out the plan of attack. I have a lot of hope and faith that your next update will be a good one! Crossing my fingers for you. xoxo ❤
No evidence of spread is a good starting point! Sorry to hear they are growing. 😦
Well fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. I want to wave my magic wand and make it all better. Ugh. Sending you lots and lots of positive thoughts and big, huge hugs. XO
Thank you, and hey – keep waving that wand my way, ’cause you never know. 🙂 I hope you are doing well, Jules.
Pingback: Weekly Round Up | Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer
So sooty Catherine. Sending love and a big to you. Btw do stop off in Edinburgh on one of your trips to the continent. Would love to deliver the hug in person. Xxx
Sooty, I like that as a word to describe the situation. Maybe I’ll borrow it from you. And Edinburgh, so tempting Audrey. It was such a ridiculous thing that I never visited while in England.
Sorry, Catherine. Truly shit news. Do the shuttle and Love Summer and keep posting. Means a lot to a lot x
OH Damn it!!! Hugs to you and your family.
Fuck indeed. I’m so sorry to read this. I hate this damn disease. I hate how indiscriminate and unfair it is. I think of you often Catherine – you remind me that living well and creatively is the point. I hope to be just 1/10th as good at it as you are. xo
i think of you so much and I miss our chats over coffee. Catherine, this disease is a fucker and I hate what it’s doing to you. Get yourselves over to Hungry on that perfect plane from Montreal. Keep fighting my love. love to you all and a huge big hug from me to you xx
I think of you too, Lou! I miss our chats as well, but it is nice to see (via facebook) that you are in such a lovely place. I need to get to my lovey place soon too. Magic plane to Hungary! Let me know if you pop by Ottawa in the meanwhile. 😉