Random midnight rant

It’s late and I have a wheeze in my left lung. I never know what to think about these things. Is it the humidity in the air? Maybe I’m just feeling anxious from a weekend of booking travel and staying up too late? Perhaps it’s because my team is out of the playoffs. . . I’ve had wheezes on and off for the past two years, often anxiety related, but who knows. Each time I hear/feel the wheeze, it plain scares me. Everything stops and I take a few deep breaths, asking myself: is it really there? Did that really happen?

Yeah, it did. It happened. It happens too often.

Sleepless Night

Is it the nerves, or it is – you know – that cancer thing the previous scans showed was growing?

Here’s a little dose of honesty. I’m really truly disappointed to not have made that study. There is this drug out there that’s not within my reach. Not for the time being, at least. It’s now on sale in the US while they finish up trials. I had some very high hopes for that drug, because this hormone therapy stuff just doesn’t seem to be cutting the mustard anymore. And frankly, I don’t want to have the chemo conversation like, ever. As in never.

My mom has been doing a lot of research. Thank goodness for that. I just can’t do it, not like she’s able to. So we will be working on my body and its ability to heal. Because of her, I don’t have to be passive as I wait for the next set of scans. I’m grateful for this. Also, there’s this yoga place with a first-time special of 35$/month for unlimited classes. We are going to go together. Another thing that inspired gratitude.

Topic jump:

Last week. I left my oncologist appointment with a new prescription, by the by. After some bizzaro conversation with the resident doctor who is learning to be an oncolgosts about an abnormal pituitary gland inside of my brain, followed by many reassurances by her and Dr Canada that is very likely not cancer – or at least, not breast cancer – anyhow, following that, I receive a prescription for another estrogen blocking drug given that the previous wasn’t working. Honestly, while I am going to take it this summer just to see what can happen, this new drug doesn’t give me high hopes. We are buying time. Not time as in ‘stopping the cancer from growing’ but more like ‘delaying any hard conversations about treatment options in hopes that something better pops up’.

So, I’m going to take this summer for what it is: an escape. Maybe I can write. Maybe we can rest. Maybe we can enjoy a beautiful few months together away from the word ‘cancer’.

Topic jump:

Here’s one other thing I just want to say. It’s really late at night, and I’m writing this in the dark. I’m certain Zsolt would love it if I stopped writing, but he’s a good sport too. Anyhow, here is what I wanted to say: treatment blows for young women with bc. Like, it sucks. I’m blocked from all the good studies because I’m not 1) over 65 and 2) without a uterus.

Where are the drug studies for young women with this damn disease? Why can I be eligible for the drug with great potential? Why do I need to wrestle with my oncologist and pharmacist to be covered for a certain prescription, and have to argue how I’m most certainly post-menopausal – not having had my period for over a year, enjoying the never-ending flux of hot flashes and anxiety, watching certain body parts shrink from lack of estrogen, definitely not ovulating with a diminished sex drive, and also not-so-much enjoying the constant pain when doing adult activities due to a crazy weird tightening of the lady parts. Seriously, it’s like being revirginized after every go!

So, don’t tell me I’m not postmenopausal! BAH! The nerve of some people. I could go on, but had better not.

Topic Jump:

Soon it’ll be the 10 year anniversary of when Zsolt and I got together. We met in Nice, France, and plan to go back there for a couple days during our trip. Pretty damn romantic, eh? I expect it to be too-quick, very emotional, and deeply important to us both to return. The number of times we’ve recounted the story of ‘how we met’ to one other – well, it’s a lot – so to actually be returning to the scene of that miracle feels good. It’s important to us both.

Topic Jump:

It’s almost midnight. I’m getting tired. No wheeze for the time being. I guess it went away.

Topic Jump:


Good night.

Random rant over.


Maybe now I can sleep.

P.S. (Apparently my right leg is ahead of me. I’ve been sitting a weird way while writing this, and now it’s totally numb!)

6 thoughts on “Random midnight rant

  1. Your rants are always good–well written and straight from the heart.

    Healing work and yoga with your mom, a trip on the Queen Mary wearing your beautiful purple dress, romance in Nice with Zsolt, and beautiful Hungary–whoo hoo, wonderful adventures to look forward to now that the packing and moving is done!

    I wheeze when allergens are in the air, or when I’m nervous, or when I laugh. Your rant got your words off your chest and your mind. Result? No wheezing, a night of zzzz’s, and your thoughts for us to read.

  2. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this crap Catherine. It’s not fair. I look forward to reading about your return to Nice and the fun adventures you’re going to have this summer! xx

  3. As to your lady parts, Astroglide has helped me. My physical therapist also suggested coconut oil. I don’t know if your oncologist would let you use an infinitesimal amount of topical estrogen. Probably not, but you could ask. Physical intimacy is such an important connection. My love is with you, dear girl.

  4. Oh, Sweetie…love, love, love the writing. But the reality of the content? Not so much. Glad you have your mom & Zsolt & travel to look forward to. Big, squishy, post-menopausal, lopsided hugs. xoxo, Kathi

  5. You sound like my brain running all over th place when I can’t sleep. I hope you have a very lovely time in Europe away from the big “C.”

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