It’s hard

I really don’t want to repeat the words Dr Canada said to Zsolt today. I don’t want to repeat them because I truly don’t know how to deal with all this. Life shouldn’t be measured in years- it should be measured in experiences, and contributions and love. Each day is a gift. And quite frankly, I’ve been one of the luckiest people I know. So many things worked out when most needed. Life has been filled with friendship and love, with beauty and exploration, with laughter and family. Most fortune, I found the love of my life and knew right away. Zsolt and I have wasted no time in this life. I hold no regrets.


Except, of course, for the reality of leaving him. This is something I truly struggle to face. Dr Verma said some rather blunt words to us today. Words that are much less about hope and far more about facing the current situation. And we are going to face the current situation. And it is scary. I worry about the process of dying. It’s terrifying. And I worry about leaving my husband behind. There would never have been enough time between us – but time isn’t what matters – just living as best as can be lived and loving as hard as possible.

It’s hard. It’s Christmas, and it is hard. But you know, we’re still so blessed. So very, very blessed.

21 thoughts on “It’s hard

  1. Hi Catherine. I have been following your blog since my own cancer diagnosis. You spirit and energy continue to amaze and inspire me. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I wish you peace and love this holiday season. My wish is that your doctor is totally wrong and you and zsolt have lots more quality time together

  2. Dear Catherine,
    My heart is breaking a little now. I quietly follow you, I respect you as a writer and I love your writing, I feel as though I know you. I know I will miss your posts, they are like a breath of fresh air. You will be everlasting because of Claire, Neverending, she is by my bedside always. You will be in my memories, always. So for now, as you say, you have love all around you. Physically and virtually. Your love of life is beautiful. Merry Christmas. Soak it in. The New Year will be here soon, and all that comes with it. Peace and love.
    Jane Peterson.
    Colorado, USA

  3. I am so sorry that you have had to go through this, Catherine. This is no way for someone to be spending their thirties.I can’t even put into words how I feel about this, and how I wish there was some better news on the horizon. I haven’t known you that long, but i know that Zsolt is a lucky man, and you two are a wonderful couple who are so blessed to have each other.

    Whatever you do, keep fighting, Catherine.

  4. So sorry to hear the news, Catherine. You are such an inspiration to me – to be creative, to live presently, to embrace adventure with your whole heart. Hope you and Zsolt have a lovely, peaceful holiday.

  5. I think of you so often. This is beautiful, even through fear and grief. I so wish things were different – that you could keep the love and joy, without the hard. xo

  6. Each day is a gift, and no one can truly know how many days, weeks, years there are left for anyone. Just a guess, they call it medical practice because they are always learning.

  7. Love and Peace to you and your family. You have changed my life forever and I am so grateful that I stumbled upon your blog a few months ago. So brave and strong and beautiful in body, mind and soul. Such a lifelong inspiration for all of us. You have left a treasure trove of love and positive thoughts for those of us who follow in your steps and none of us are far behind you in this journey. Melanie

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