Category Archives: Bumpboobs

What I shouldn’t think

Posted in Bumpboobs, Treatment by

Here is a secret – and I’m going to write it down, right now. This is something that I’ve said before, and feel guilty about every time. The guilt just swarms me because it’s not only about fear, it’s also about pride.

So here is my secret. I am afraid that the cancer is going to reoccur. I am afraid it might spring up in another part of my body and go unnoticed, or even in my breast – maybe I could lose the other; I’m afraid that my efforts will be ineffective, afraid about the uncertainties, afraid that despite punching and visualizing and saying ‘I’m a fighter’ I’m ultimately a fool because this sick part of my body might come back and take over.

That’s my secret. It’s a thought I don’t want in my head. Preferably I would never, ever think it again – and I wish that having admitted to my worry it would dissipate from my mind; the thought would float away and never again would I doubt myself.

Positive thinking is very appealing, but also difficult. I might say I’m a fighter – but I’m also a worrier, and a thinker, and a feeler who has been swamped with emotions during the past two months. It’s embarrassing to imagine my determination could be for nothing. And it’s embarrassing to be embarrassed.

But it is good to be honest, which is why I’m writing this post. Hopefully it brings a little freedom, regardless of whether it banishes the thought. My secret is my doubt; it’s something I’m only starting to realize, and only starting to work around.

I guess we all worry that we’ll fail. There must be some natural instinct or programming that is ingrained in our psyches. Who knows .  .  . my psychology knowledge is up to a BA level, but that was  years ago and I don’t claim to be an expert in anything expect Zsolt, my front yard with the maple, that feeling when you write, and how to make a fabulous Eggs Benedict.

My name is Catherine, and I stress about reoccurance.Whew.

And now having admitted that, it’s time to move on.

Sharing a shoebox

Posted in Bumpboobs, Life by

Living in a small apartment with three people is an exercise in patience and respect. It’s funny because each of us have our own projects to get on with, but we  also have our own patterns and habits.

Let’s just say it’s a full house. A full flat. A small and full one-bedroom flat.

In a dream world we’d live a few streets over where the homes are large, with studies and sitting rooms and gardens full of roses. In a dream world we’d have separate bathrooms, and Cath Kidson sheets, and super king beds with mints on our pillows.

And maybe one day that will happen. But today we are getting along in this cramped apartment – not pulling our hair out, not having arguments, and not driving each other crazy. At least not all the time.

Because in my world, the one I walk through and laugh in and am thankful for every day – I have more love than anyone could ask. And while this place is chalk full of people, it’s also brimming with care and concern and good company.

A little space is a good thing. But having your husband and mother nearby is quite fantastic too.

* That being said, Zsolt and I are escaping for a one-night get away this weekend to the New Forest. Ohhhh yeah! Cream tea, three course dinner, and English breakfast – here we come! This is an abnormal splurge for sure, but who doesn’t benefit from the occasional indulgence? It’s a little bit of dream come true.

Better than 50%

Posted in Bumpboobs, Treatment by

On special request from my grandmother, Lulu, I will attempt to write more often.

alternative cancer treatmentShe put it to me quite nicely yesterday: “I don’t want to bother you, but I worry!”

Well don’t worry Lulu, because I am fine – Je suis tres bien aujourd’hui. J’ai travaille avec ma mere pour etre “okay” avec ma chimio, j’ai aussi commence a faire un menu pour que Zsolt puisse me faire de la nourriture quand je suis fatigue* – and I am writing.

I was just saying to my mother the other day, ‘Who are these people coping well with chemo?’ because I hear of them, but haven’t actually met any of them – nor have I see their blogs online.  So, that started the google search mission. Both she and Zsolt have managed to find stories where people cope with the treatment and do not suffer any treacherous side effects. Mind you, each chemo approach is different depending on the cancer. For instance, one lady had chemo every three to four weeks. I’ll be having chemo every two weeks, later followed by every week. However, I’m trying to ignore that side of their good news and focus on the positive stuff – people cope well, and are able to carry on with their lives.

And on that note, Mom found an interesting website. There was a little boy – three years old – who was diagnosed with a cancer that has a survival rate of about 3%. Now that’s scary. But his parents took it upon themselves to give him every fighting chance possible. Years later he is cancer free. His dad ensured that every possible option was explored – and while there was probably an element of miracle in his great recovery – watching this father speak was a source of inspiration for alternative ways I can better prepare and protect my body**.

But you see, it’s not that I want to turn away from the medical advice provided. The doctors I have worked with are very experienced, specialize in breast care, and know what they know. So that isn’t it. I’m still having the chemo. I’m still having the radiation. I’m still doing the hormones. But . . . I still want to do more. I want better than 50%.

A long time ago I worked for PWC, and while working there – during a purge of office clutter and clean up – I acquired several pads of PWC note paper. On every page of this notepad it reads: ‘Have I explored every angle?’

Apart from loving to have that sweet copywriting opportunity, I admire the statement.

Have I explored every angle? Not yet, but I’m trying. Today I went to the acupuncturist. In a few weeks I’ll start treatments. A while back my breast was removed. In the meanwhile I’m taking supplements. On top of that I’m lessening estrogen-encouraging food in my diet. Tomorrow I’m going to the shop and buying glass containers to replace my plastic Tupperware (though I do love my Tupperware). Tonight I’ll try to meditate. And all the while my air filter is running, getting rid of mould and mite crap from the air.

Why not fight from every angle, what’s so wrong about that? Nothing.  Not a thing.  Nada.

So, that’s encouraging.  🙂

* Thanks for translating, Mom.

** Watch Bobby’s father describe their efforts to beat cancer and reduce the side effects of chemo treatments. It’s broken into parts. Click here for Part one, Part two, Part three, Part four. You can also visit their website, where proceeds go toward supporting other children in a similar situation: http://www.bobbyshealthyshop.com/