Tag Archives: breast cancer

Telling people

Posted in Bumpboobs by

I’ve started to tell people I have breast cancer.

With every person I tell it feels more real, and further than that, I start wanting to fight back.

It’s funny when telling people, they all say “you’re such a strong person, you’ll be able to fight it.” But am I strong? I certainly didn’t feel strong two days ago, or even yesterday. I felt vulnerable and dazed and lost. But the more I share the more real it becomes, and the more I realize I must become strong because this is happening and there’s no going back in time.

So people are finding out slowly. Person by person I drop the C bomb, and they’re all shocked and all incredibly supportive. It’s amazing.

Telling people is a good thing. I was a crazy to wait so long.

I have breast cancer

Posted in Bumpboobs, Life, Treatment by

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Fuck.

That’s how I feel right now. The doctor came into the room, felt my armpit, looked at my breast, asked if my family lives in the area . . . no, they’re all back in Canada . . . then told me I have cancer.

I have cancer

Never have I been so physically moved by so few words. I gasped, cried, and listened. I’m still gasping, crying and listening (as my husband reads through the Breast Cancer Care booklet and describes the possible treatments and surgeries I’ll have – sweet, but more for his sake than mine at this point; I can’t listen at all).

And all the while I just can’t believe I have cancer. Me? ME? Are they sure it’s me?

I cannot fully believe it. I wonder if people who win lotteries share a similar disbelief.

Before, in the waiting room, I watched families and pregnant women filter through the system and get called into hospital rooms. They all looked so calm, like things were going to plan. Zsolt and I were planning on having kids soon, but that will have to wait. The nurse said there is a possibility of freezing my eggs, in case I don’t become fertile again after treatment.

More good news – did you know I could lose my entire breast? It’s not even unlikely. It’s a possibility. My tumour is near the nipple, and I have small breasts. Oh my god.

They’re sending me on scans to check whether the cancer has spread anywhere else. I’m praying it hasn’t. Praying very hard.

So I guess this will become a blog about cancer. My name is Catherine, and apparently – unless I can switch places with the latest lottery winner – I have cancer. Frig.

There will be more to write later. But for now, this is enough.

Oh yes, and I’m scared. That too. I’m really quite scared.

Feeling guilty.

Posted in Bumpboobs by

Today I realized that I feel guilty about being worried. I’m here blogging about the possibility of being sick, while so many people are struggling with greater things (e.g. the reality of being sick). I feel embarrassed, which must be why I haven’t put my name on this site. It’s not my ambition to complain, only to write things out. Chances are everyone waiting for results feels a similar mini crisis; before now the idea of cancer was never actually tangible. Even the possibility feels so strange. That’s just how I feel. Guilt shouldn’t be a factor, and while I cannot push away the feeling, at least writing lets me step back and realize it’s there.